jennifer aniston

The Year in Review of the Century

Fantastic news, everybody!

People magazine has unveiled its top stories of 2011. I can barely contain my excitement or urine–in fact I just peed all over the floor. That has been happening a lot lately. I probably should get that checked out. But there’s no time!! 2011 is rapidly coming to a close and I must know what I was suppose to care about over the last year.

What could the top stories be??????????????????????????? Let’s think…what happened this year that was important? I know braids were big, I learned that from the Today show. Also sharks and Matt Lauer’s whereabouts. Were they bigger than the tsunami in Japan? (yes)

Who’s to say? (Answer: People magazine)

I became intrigued about People magazine’s Year in Review when one of the Today show female anchors who looks like all of the other female anchors interviewed People Managing Editor Kate Coin.

“Charlie Sheen has to top any list,” the anchor says as I grind a Fisher Price toy into my temple.

“Charlie Sheen was, to use a word I think he would approve of, epic,” Kate says.

Who won the Noble Peace Prize this year?

No one knows. Winning.

People split up, got married, split up, dated, participated in competing trials of the century, played with magnetic balls, and cemented my desire to find some way to live on that new planet that’s like Earth, but hopefully has a better Year in Review wrap up.

1. Top story, obvs., was the utter destruction of civilization. Wait, I misread that. It was the royal wedding. This was the wedding of the century. Anyone out there planning a wedding between now and 2099, get ready for some major disappointment because it will not be the wedding of the century. It’s going to be a long, cruel winter of a century. But buck up, I bought you this:

Ideal for any teabagging event.

Now people are speculating when the royal shaft will penetrate the royal flower to create a royal baby, and these are people I never want to meet.  All I know is that baby will be the baby of the century. Anyone planning on having kids between now and 2099, get ready for some disappointment because your future kid will just be pure crap.

2. Royal sister with completely non canine-like name of Pippa. She was the hottest bridesmaid ever and is currently the world’s most eligible bachelorette, according to People. She is also the greatest person alive or dead, and farts diamonds.

3. 2011 most intriguing non-royal couple actress Jennifer Aniston & Justin Theroux. They are most intriguing because they intriguingly have sex on each other.  A pal is quoted as saying: “I am a figment of the writer’s imagination to add some credibility to this non article. Oh, and Justin and Jen are very much on the same page.”

4. Anderson Cooper’s toddler palate. The news anchor revealed to the huddled masses yearning to breathe free that he never tasted coffee or spinach. I am more intrigued by the Pristiq® ad on the following page:

Here are my questions: Why is she the only Pristiq® doll with a wind-up key in her back? Who teachers a yoga class for Pristiq® dolls? And why the fuck would anyone give a flying fig newton about Anderson Cooper’s dietary nonadventures?

5 – 262. Loudmouths; meatsuits; sham weddings; pharmaceutical ads; child molestors; hysteria; warlocks; iPhone ads passed off as “funny” celebrity articles; Oppprrraaahhhhh; pepper spray; the scourge; cupcakes on a stick; new words like “Tiger Mom” that make me hate words; loser feuds; dead people; pictures of actual news stories using less words than the story about Anderson Cooper’s pooh-pooh of spinach; pooh-pooh; Katy Perry’s peppermint tattoo; and the end of civilization.

Quite a year, my friends! I’m glad I remember none of it.

News You Can Lose

It will be hard to sleep tonight. I had been watching back-to-back episodes of Top Chef–Just Desserts while my 18-month-old son stuck metal objects into electrical sockets, but turned the channel when The Rachel Blows pfftttt came on, and so I serendipitously caught the beginning of Access Hollywood Extra In Touch Newspalooza.

Access Hollywood Extra In Touch Newspalooza had a sneak peek into an exclusive interview between Matt Lauer and Brad Pitt. What a scoop! How did an NBC-based entertainment evening news show ever land a video clip from an NBC-based entertainment morning news show? I don’t think we’ll ever know, but my hat is off to you, sir Billy Bush, the future 47th president of the United States.

Brad Pitt is at the center of controversy because he told Parade magazine that his former wife Jennifer Aniston was dullsville. I was most surprised that Parade still existed. Matt Lauer was going to get to the bottom of this controversy while wearing dark sunglasses.

Brad, if we can get to more serious questions...how seriously cool do I look right now? Scale of 1 to 10.

“Wow, man, doesn’t it just suck that you can’t say kind of a dickhead thing without being interviewed by a ton of media just before your new movie is released?” Matt asked.

“I’m handsome,” Brad Pitt replied.

And we will have to wait until tomorrow’s Today show to hear the rest, and as I said in the beginning of this post it will be hard to go to sleep.

Here is what else I learned from Access Hollywood Extra In Touch Newspalooza:

  • Billy Bush wondered who Jennifer Aniston voted for on Dancing with the “Stars” since she attended high school with Chaz Bono, but is best friends with the former Mrs. David Arquette. Or did she do something boring, like not watch the show.
  • X Factor premieres and it is so unlike Simon Cowell’s previous show American Idol according to a magazine writer. There are many, many differences such as zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. “It’s going to be fun,” lies the writer.
  • Madonna’s 14-year-old daughter has her own clothing line. What a surprising accomplishment. She must be very talented.
  • Billy Bush is surprised by the number of Spice babies.
  • Alex Trebek clarifies his naked robbery. It’s still unsettling.
  • Some tarted-up toddler says “I’m a little Southern girl, but no not snooty” and we will spend a day in her life….aw shit, it’s on tomorrow’s Access Hollywood Extra In Touch Newspalooza
  • Mel B., mother of a new Spice baby, will lose the baby weight by “sexercise and exercise.” I will cut her some slack since she just had a baby and that could be why she’s talking like a crazy person.

Good night, and good luck.