jeff rossen

Humbert Humbert approves

I try to stick up for the French because they helped us in the American Revolution, Pepe le Pew is the greatest cartoon character of all time and freedom fries taste terrible, but then they go and do this. And I’m like Sacre bleu, man! The ad campaign for sexy lingerie for little girls….it’s just….it’s just….eh. Who is your target audience? Creepy Uncle Carl who is not allowed to be left alone with the children?

I initially thought the ad campaign was dreamt up by 51-year-old Doug Hutchinson to make his marriage to 16-year-old Courtney Stodden seem less barfesque (that’s French for icky). But no, it’s legit. It’s legit because it was on the Today show, which I watch to learn the most important stories of the day.

I tuned in to see Smarm-Monster aka Jeff Rossen  “reporting” a hard-hitting story about a store not seeking publicity by asking a reality-based carbon life form to not do something. Since both covet their privacy, I’m declining to name them out of respect.

Then the story about the kid lingerie came up. Or maybe it came after the shark attack story, I not sure. Either way I’m glad that starving thing in Somalia cleared up because that was getting kind of depressing.

So, merde. French, we still have Paris, but you got to cut this shit out.

This is so cute

So I was watching the Today show, and after I viewed the requisite segments on the white-women-missing-in-Aruba epidemic and the Jeff-Rossen-sliming-all-over-the-microphone-in-his-best-smarminess perversion, I saw a piece about this 4-year-old who is the world’s youngest preacher, according to They Say. This was so cute. The woman who looks like all the other women anchors on Today except for Ann Curry–I call her “Composite”–she introduced the segment as “this is so cute” so that’s how I knew how to react properly since my initial reaction was to recoil in horror.

They showed footage of the “pint-sized preacher” “preaching” at his “church” somewhere in the country where people speak with Southern accents. He wore a suit and growled about the one Lord and holy God–most of it was incomprehensible–and then he danced a little bit. And…it….was…..so……cute. . . like how it would be so cute to watch a 4-year-old preside over an infomercial on Ab Rockets or be the fifth housewife on the Real Housewives of the Pentecostal Church or be interviewed by Jeff Rossen about being the world’s youngest most off-putting minister.

Thankfully his parents say they’re not pushing the boy to be a preacher and they have no agenda. They said this on the number-one-rated national morning news show where they also promoted the National Geographic special that features their son after the boy gained national attention by his parents uploading his sermonizing on YouTube. That was maybe the cutest thing of all.