jaws

Shark Week is Every Week

Prognosticators have been prognosticating how future wars will not be fought over oil, but water. What these proctologisnosticators have failed to predict is that the enemy will not be man..

…..wait for it……

But SHARK! Dum Dum Dummmmmmmmmmmmmbbbbbbbbbbb!!!!!!

Sharks are infiltrating our fresh water in their quest for world domination, according to the Today show. I’m paraphrasing, of course. No one actually said that. The Today show instead talked about a kid catching a shark interjected with clips from the movie Jaws while ominous music played in the background. They are a serious news organization so they would never directly say something as crazy as the first sentence of this paragraph.

The on-air correspondent is in waders standing in a nondescript creek somewhere in Georgia that first sounded like Bologna, but is some place else. Because he is a serious journalist, he says “I’ve got to admit, I’m a little nervous standing in this water mainly because of what happened here.” A shark then leaps out of the water and bites off his head. Another shark gives the head-biting shark a high-five. Okay, that didn’t happen. The serious waders-wearing journalist says this spot is where two bull sharks paid a visit. And it wasn’t to sell Girl Scout cookies. He didn’t say that last part, but he could have and it would have been the greatest thing he said this entire segment.

In the movie Jaws, the serious reporter begins…do you remember that movie? You don’t? Well let’s show a clip of the robot shark eating half of a boat….the hunt for a killer shark began in the ocean, but here the shark showdown (he seriously used these words because he is serious) was basically in his backyard. The “his” is Noel, a 16-year-old boy from a family of shrimpers, who saw the sharks and caught one. That would take about 10 seconds to explain, but then it wouldn’t effectively scare the shit out of you.

This is what really is in store for all of you:

In the Shark War, nowhere is safe.

Yup, I saw two sharks, says Noel.

They were the man-eating bull sharks responsible for more deadly shark attacks than any other breed, fishes the journalist. The Today show should know. It reports on one attack several times so you think you will be killed by a bull shark merely uttering the word “ocean.” See here.

It was doozy, Noel says. Over 300 pounds, 8 feet, 5 inches long.

And that’s about 4.5 feet of water, the journalist terrorizes. So if the shark stood up, it would suffocate. But it would likely kill everything in sight before that happened.

Three minutes into a 3:35 minute segment, the reporter says no fresh water attacks have even been reported, but IT COULD HAPPEN!!!! Just like a piano could fall on top of you if you jackhammer a street at 4:30 a.m.

Noel points out he caught the shark where kids learn to swim. He’s a high school junior, narrates the host.  The segment cuts to his mom “Yeah, that’s my boy.” I think the serious journalist is running out of things to report. This part seems a bit unfocused.

Noel caught one of the sharks, the journalist intones. “We don’t know if the other shark is still around.” And he’s successfully back to full-panic mode.

Yes, that other shark is still out there. Still at large. Still waiting. Still plotting. Still wishing to take over the world.

The Shark War has just begun.

Water is really scary

According to the Today Show, water is filled with rogue bull sharks bent on tearing off human limbs and parasitic amoebas that feast on human brains.

Leading off the week, was the story of a rogue (maverick?) bull shark that tore apart a man while he was on his honeymoon in Seychelles. Really awful awful stuff. Then the next day, there was another story on the Today Show about a man being mauled and killed by a shark, and Jesus Christ, he was on his honeymoon too….wait it’s the same story. Okay, that makes me feel a bit better, but it’s still awful to hear all the same details over again. Oh, and now, they have audio of the bride talking about hearing him scream…yeesh, terrible. And then the next day, I couldn’t believe it, but there again was another story about a shark killing a poor honeymooner, and I’m all about to go all Captain Ahab on some shark’s dorsal regions when I see that it’s the same story. It’s the same honeymooner, and it’s being reported on a third day because… well first we have to go through all the tragic details, the horrible injuries, the audio of his widow (shudder), and now officials are hunting a shark that is “terrorizing paradise.” I should mention briefly that on the first day of reporting, which now seems like seven years ago, the Today show did have on a shark expert explaining how incredibly rare it is for a shark to attack a human, but any attempt at measured, rationale explanation is now eclipsed by coverage of the massive shark hunt. Some fisherman scrapes his fingernails on a chalkboard. Some local official says the beaches need to be closed but the mayor’s like “what about tourism season?” Some marine biologist goes on to conduct his opus. And now we’re onto 4th day of Hell Shark Hell-Bent on Killing You. Yes, You Heard Me Right. You. And the Today show reporter talks about the man on his honeymoon…his horrible injuries…oh, the audio, the audio…shark hunt…no shark yet. Today is 5th day of I Swear to God I Just Saw Hell Shark in Your Neighbor’s Pool, and they haven’t caught it yet!

Okay, let’s relax. A shark, even a demonic one, cannot survive in a chlorinated pool. Just don’t swim in the ocean for awhile to avoid all those hellish sharks with their taste for human blood (they say it’s tastes like chicken). What? I’m sorry, what’s that Today show? Oh, parasitic amoebas took over and destroyed three people’s brains, and these three people were swimming in just regular run-o’-the mill lakes and ponds? In the United States? Thank you.

So yes, today after the 5th day of bull shark stories, the Today show runs a segment on these “brain-eating” amoebas and how the waters just teem with them, especially warm waters and we all know how freakin’ hot this summer has been. Where is there not warm water? They even have this instructive computer simulation of three boys swimming where one boy sucks an amoeba parasite in his nose while he playfully submerges himself underwater. The amoeba moves up whatever canal connects your nose to your brain and just starts eating. I am completely freaking out. Then this science guy comes on to say just how rare this is. In fact over 50 years, only 150 deaths have been reported…wait. So let me just do a little math…so on average three people die a year from this and three people died this year from this…oh do Centers for Disease Control people believe this is something different, some kind of outbreak? No. Oh, okay. Hmm.

So what should we do besides not swim anywhere ever? Lester Holt suggests buying nose plugs. That might work when watching Today as well.