Shark Week is Every Week

Prognosticators have been prognosticating how future wars will not be fought over oil, but water. What these proctologisnosticators have failed to predict is that the enemy will not be man..

…..wait for it……

But SHARK! Dum Dum Dummmmmmmmmmmmmbbbbbbbbbbb!!!!!!

Sharks are infiltrating our fresh water in their quest for world domination, according to the Today show. I’m paraphrasing, of course. No one actually said that. The Today show instead talked about a kid catching a shark interjected with clips from the movie Jaws while ominous music played in the background. They are a serious news organization so they would never directly say something as crazy as the first sentence of this paragraph.

The on-air correspondent is in waders standing in a nondescript creek somewhere in Georgia that first sounded like Bologna, but is some place else. Because he is a serious journalist, he says “I’ve got to admit, I’m a little nervous standing in this water mainly because of what happened here.” A shark then leaps out of the water and bites off his head. Another shark gives the head-biting shark a high-five. Okay, that didn’t happen. The serious waders-wearing journalist says this spot is where two bull sharks paid a visit. And it wasn’t to sell Girl Scout cookies. He didn’t say that last part, but he could have and it would have been the greatest thing he said this entire segment.

In the movie Jaws, the serious reporter begins…do you remember that movie? You don’t? Well let’s show a clip of the robot shark eating half of a boat….the hunt for a killer shark began in the ocean, but here the shark showdown (he seriously used these words because he is serious) was basically in his backyard. The “his” is Noel, a 16-year-old boy from a family of shrimpers, who saw the sharks and caught one. That would take about 10 seconds to explain, but then it wouldn’t effectively scare the shit out of you.

This is what really is in store for all of you:

In the Shark War, nowhere is safe.

Yup, I saw two sharks, says Noel.

They were the man-eating bull sharks responsible for more deadly shark attacks than any other breed, fishes the journalist. The Today show should know. It reports on one attack several times so you think you will be killed by a bull shark merely uttering the word “ocean.” See here.

It was doozy, Noel says. Over 300 pounds, 8 feet, 5 inches long.

And that’s about 4.5 feet of water, the journalist terrorizes. So if the shark stood up, it would suffocate. But it would likely kill everything in sight before that happened.

Three minutes into a 3:35 minute segment, the reporter says no fresh water attacks have even been reported, but IT COULD HAPPEN!!!! Just like a piano could fall on top of you if you jackhammer a street at 4:30 a.m.

Noel points out he caught the shark where kids learn to swim. He’s a high school junior, narrates the host.  The segment cuts to his mom “Yeah, that’s my boy.” I think the serious journalist is running out of things to report. This part seems a bit unfocused.

Noel caught one of the sharks, the journalist intones. “We don’t know if the other shark is still around.” And he’s successfully back to full-panic mode.

Yes, that other shark is still out there. Still at large. Still waiting. Still plotting. Still wishing to take over the world.

The Shark War has just begun.

I Hate Charlie Brady King

This post will be a little disappointing. Readers I know you tune into this blog (since it is a radio show) and expect to be blown away by scholarly insight like Dr. Phil is a turd and the decline of America began when someone asked “Where’s the beef?” and someone else answered “I don’t know”…but here’s the thing, some person with the face of an ass (aka assface) decided to jackhammer my street at 4:30 a.m.

This is not a pleasant sound to be gently lulled into a conscious state. It can lead to outbursts of “What the f—-!!” and the ripping aside of drapes in order to burn the offender alive with death laser beams shooting from the eyeballs. It can lead to this:

I am a morning person, but 4:30 is still the middle of the night. I occasionally pulled all-nighters in college or at middle school slumber parties to avoid having my hand placed in a warm cup of water (my college roommates were aholes). I found that around 4 a.m., reality became a little fuzzy, a little dreamlike and things that happened during that time could not be recalled. Of course, it’s possible I fell asleep, but my point is 4:30 is not a proper time for a jackoff jerkwad to jackhammer into asphalt.

So I’m not bringing my A game to this post. It’s more like my Q game. I feel like I’m a contestant on Top Chef: Just Desserts and I’ve been asked to make a dessert out of raviolis and bottle of Brass Monkey, which is what the contestants were just asked to do on the rerun I’m watching. See I can’t even come up with my own analogies. Oh, the humanity.

Sarah Palin is not running for president. I learned this from the TV. They showed footage of her speaking at a Tea Party rally. Someone held a sign that said “I Like the Smell of the Tea Party in the Morning.” I would like to put that on a T-shirt and then take that T-shirt and jakehammer it on top of a sewer line. And then I would make another T-shirt that says “I Like the Smell of a Sewage-Soaked Jackhammered T-Shirt Over the Smell of the Tea Party in the Morning.”

She is putting her family first and working to elect those who will stop the “fundamental transformation” of our nation. That “fundamental transformation” is in “quotes” because it is a “beautiful” turn-of-phrase uttered by Clown Baby…I mean, “Glenn Beck,” who is a giant baby with the comic timing of a tramp.

Palin’s statement continues, and it’s one of the few times I would gladly accept a jackhammer to the head over listening to any more, but the gist is she’s going to work to bring this country back, and I never know what this means. Back to what? The time of Jim Crow? The time when women pretty much had three career paths open to them: teacher, nurse, housewife? The time of child labor and poor houses? The time before Kim Kardashian’s Fairytale Wedding? The time before Charles Brady King invented the jackhammer?

…I think she may be onto something.