horror

A Trip Down Horror Lane

It’s that time of year.

The time when one has engorged oneself on countless bags of mini-snickers that one was able to procure regularly from the massive Halloween candy pile on display since early August.

The time when an avid TV viewer can turn on the channel, and see Michael Myers dough-boy face looking impassively back at her.

The time to watch horror movies.

This time of year takes me back to the days when a young Speaker7 put a steak knife under her mattress for “just-in-case” purposes.

I have no business watching scary movies. It is something I cannot handle yet I cannot help myself.

By day, I am a rational pragmatic person who makes decisions based on logic and reason. But at night, that person is gone, replaced by someone who is convinced that lump of dirty clothes in the corner is, in fact, the evil spawn of Jason and Chucky.

I’ve gotten better. I know there is no way in demonic-possession I’m going to watch any of the Paranormal Activity movies. I will never see The Exorcist and I sure as shit ain’t sitting through any movie about a haunted dibbuk box some jerk bought on eBay.

I’ve learned my lesson from a childhood spent sleeping on the floor of my parent’s bedroom. It would follow the usual pattern. I would stay up late by myself watching some horrible movie on HBO. I would go to my bedroom and start panicking the moment I turned out the lights. Five minutes later, I would run down the hall to my parent’s bedroom, and pull out the mattress they kindly stowed under their bed for this very purpose.

So what were the movies that caused me to lose my shit?

1. Salem’s Lot

I don’t even remember the plot of this movie. I just know at one point this blue-looking vampire fuck was flying outside someone’s window. I thought I could protect myself by placing all my stuffed animals on the window seat by the top of the stairs. Yeah, like they could do anything. And you thought Edward Cullen’s sparklyness was frightening.

Length of time on parent’s bedroom floor: one week.

2. Amityville Horror II: The Possession

Yes, okay, the house is filled with some demon spirit that possesses the older brother who then shoots his entire family to death. My house was not filled with evil spirits, but did have an older brother who once chased me around the house with a weed-whacker so–wait, why am I watching this?!?

Length of time on parent’s floor: a month (“More like a year.” — Speaker7’s mom).

3. Friday the 13th

I don’t remember the name of my kindergarten teacher, but I sure as shit remember a bald-headed Jason popping out of the water and grabbing the last remaining camp counselor by the neck and pulling her underwater.

Length of time on parent’s floor: a week

4. Rosemary’s Baby

I would still watch this movie. I think I might have even watched it while pregnant because I am a big genius. To this day I think tarragon is tannis root, and I’m always suspicious of it.

Length of time on parent’s floor: a week.

5. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

I know technically this is not a horror movie, but I just have two words for you: Oompa Loompa.

Length of time on parent’s floor: 0, but I wanted to, I really wanted to.

6. The Shining

The little boy with the talking finger, the elevator of blood, the deranged father–yes this is the stuff of nightmares, but they got nothing on those twins, man. Those creepy-as-shit twins. I would make out with a decaying old woman any day of the week over having a conversation with those twins.

Length of time on parent’s floor: six weeks

7. Nightmare on Elm Street

I thought I could handle this one by watching it with the volume turned completely off, a boom-box playing Duran Duran and multiple bags of salt-and-vinegar Wise potato chips, my number one comfort food. Didn’t work.

Length of time on parent’s floor: two months.

8. Scream

Okay, so technically I was not a child when Scream was released in theaters. I was more like in the 20-year-old range. I saw this when I was home for the Christmas holiday and it’s very likely that I snuck into my parent’s room and slept on their floor and snuck out in shame very early the next morning before they woke up.

Length of time on parent’s floor: one embarrassing night.

So what movies have caused you sleepless nights?

What all Women Wish For

I’m going to talk about the Genie Bra™.

The Genie Bra™ is what all women wish for. If I talk about the Genie Bra™ then I won’t have to think about Paranormal Activity 3 and my intention to write about my inability to watch horror films.

Is this you? (Try to envision a woman vigorously yanking on bra straps) Do you feel like you’re in a constant battle with willful bra straps that won’t do what they’re told? I swear every time that g-ddamn Paranormal Activity 3 trailer comes on, I can never find the g-ddamn remote and I have to see those little girls say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror. You can write Bloody Mary without getting into trouble, correct? Typing Blood Mary into a screened device is not the same as saying it three times into a mirror. I guess you just have to be careful not to write it three times. . . aw sh*t.

Does your underwire cut into your skin? (try to envision a woman jabbing her bra fasteners into her back several times) I really don’t know what my problem is. I am an extremely rational person and don’t normally give into hysterics even when my bra’s underwire is slicing into my skin, but when I watch a horror movie, I am convinced I will bring that horror upon myself. I placed all my stuffed animals on a window seat by the stair landing to protect me from the vampires in Salem’s Lot. I spent most of my childhood sleeping on a single mattress on the floor of my parent’s bedroom after I thought watching Amityville 2 would be a good idea. This would happen again and again after watching countless horror movies I clearly could not handle. In fact the last time I slept on my parent’s floor, I was 26. They were so proud.

Does this look like you? (Envision a woman in a red turtleneck with what looks like two sea urchins under her shirt) I actually read the Wikipedia entry on Paranormal Activity 3 to prepare for this blog post, and I clicked the links for the plot summaries for the first two. So now I know what these movies are about without actually having seen them. This was insanity on my part. Everything’s fine now because it’s a nice, sunny Sunday afternoon. But it will soon be night. I will go to bed before my husband because he is a night owl, and I will be convinced the closet door will open on its own and some evil spirit will beckon to me. One night after inadvertently catching the entire trailer, I must have turned on my bedroom light 405 times to “investigate” the “noise” I just heard.

Isn’t it time you stopped your daily struggle with uncomfortable bras that prevent you from looking your best? (Envision a woman twisting and tugging at her bra as if she’s trying shake important information out of it) “There’s got to be another way,” says one uncomfortable-bra-ed woman. I can’t tell you how many times I have woken up in the middle of a piercing scream. It is very unsettling for the people who live in the same house. I think what bothers me most is many of these movies aren’t even very good, but yet they stick into my subconscious like a sea urchin to a turtleneck. I wish I could get my hands on some type of wish-granting device like a Genie Bra™ to wish my fear away because there’s got to be another way.

Oh, here’s what the Genie Bra™ looks like:

Now only 3 easy payments of $19.99!!