Gardening 101

We are in the process of putting our house on the market.

It’s been awesome.

Wait, is awesome the right word?

No…I was thinking of something else, like arrggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!?!

Yes that sums it up nicely.

So apparently when you want to sell your house, you have to really get it in good shape. You have to return to those home projects you long abandoned in favor of watching Bachelor Pad: The Night of the Living Herpes. For instance, you have to finish building the stairs so they connect directly to the second floor. You can no longer use your couch as a napkin. And you should dismantle the 50 Shades of Grey torture shack in the living room.

We have lived in our house for eight years. We began our home ownership with gusto. We painted the exterior ourselves and made a solemn blood vow to never do that again. We painted most of the interior, leaving the hallway and ceiling above the stairs unfinished because of the whole not-being-14-feet tall and the not-wanting-to-use-a-ladder-on-the-stairs-are-you-out-of-your-mind thought pattern.

Then our cable got connected and I tuned out the house projects and tuned into reality television. And the hallway remained beautifully unpainted. The landscape left to fester. And the dust bunnies met more dust bunnies, and you know how bunnies are.

But now we’re back in gusto mode.

Our realtor tells us we need to view our house through the eyes of the perspective buyer.

This is what worries me. Especially when I look at our non landscaping.

I don’t know how to garden. I have never had a green thumb, which I’m thankful for because that would likely be a sign of gangrene.

I don’t know. Be honest, does this scream “Buy me!”

See we have a carport, and a part or a port of the carport blew off, and we kind of threw that port or part right behind the house and piled some lawn chairs we never use on top of it. That’s a design of sorts, right? I believe it’s known as “clusterfuck”.

On the side of the house, we have trees that have commingled with our house à la Swiss Family Robinson style. But back-to-nature, no-birth-control-for-anyone-but-viagra-for-everyone, the Poltergeist-tree-is-real is all the rage now, yes?

Let’s hope so because this is my home:

It’s pretty in a my-house-is-being-made-love-to-by-trees kind of way. If I were the realtor, I would advertise it as a house with lots of oxygen potential. And most people are in favor of oxygen.

We also have a giant pile of leaves our neighbor lovingly raked into our shared bushes that is now home to a stray cat that enjoys spaying and mewing loudly. I would have taken a picture, but I was afraid my neighbor would see me. That should not deter you from buying the house. It’s not my neighbor, it’s me. I have gelotophobia, the fear of being laughed at.

There is much to do. And here I sit writing this blog.

But I’m hopeful it will get done because I learned today that this is not a flower so I can get to pulling.

House Hunting :)

So Mr. Speaker7 and I are looking at buying a new house. I say “new,” but it is a house other people previously and currently live in. I remember Teresa Guidice from the Real Housewives of Chemical Taint saying in an episode that buying a used house was gross, and that’s why she was building a new house that became really ungross when it was foreclosed upon by the bank.

This is really an exciting time to be taking on a huge financial investment. Interest rates are historically low, sellers, like Guidice, are desperate to unload houses at a loss–it’s a buyer’s market.

But still it’s always good to make a pro/con list before agreeing to give up three internal organs in your mortgage agreement.

PRO – Public employees, ah yeah!

Mr. Speaker7 and I are public employees, a group of workers that is saluted daily by politicians, tea aficionados, and lighthearted news personalities. Hello, job security!! I remember that teacher parade thrown by Gov. Scott Walker of Wisconsin where Walker shredded the contract giving bargaining rights and used it as confetti. While we are responsible for the 2008 recession by somehow taking over the bodies of Wall Street traders and bankers and making unsustainable loans and causing giant banks to collapse, we are being rewarded by getting the chance to do more work and make less money or do no work at all.

PRO – Corporate profits are up

If you didn’t know, it’s really good when corporations get out of paying taxes or pay less in taxes because it somehow trickles down to the rest of us. Corporations are the job-creators so when they make huge profits, they create jobs in the form of huge bonuses to their CEOs. And corporate profits are really, really big, like, a CEO could lose a wallet filled with $3 million and not even care that it fell out of his solid-gold coat when he purchased Greece as a vacation home. So that trickle of olive oil is coming any day now…any day now… any day now…wait for it….

PRO – the next POTUS is going to be so awesome

So Barack Obama could win reelection or one of those people who remind me of Garbage Pail Kids could win–either way it’s going to be pretty sweet. Barack Obama says nice stuff about the regular folks, which makes it more palatable when the retirement age is moved to 95 in the next debt ceiling debate. Those other people seem really, really good and they eat corn dogs at the Iowa State Fair all the while making sure regular Americans have the same steady work as that carny operating the Crazy Plane ride.

PRO – the recession is over

I saw that somewhere, maybe on Fox and Friends or Spongebob Squarepants, some person was saying that the recession of 2008 ended sometime, like maybe this past Friday. I don’t know for sure because I was real busy that Friday deciding if I should kick it in the front seat or sit in the back seat–seriously which seat should I take? So the recession is over, put away your cans of Fancy Feast, put another wad of newspaper in the barrel fire and dance around your hobo tent.

CON – moving sucks

That really is just basically it. I would totally buy that house especially with all those pros, but moving just sucks a giant snowball.