holidays

Give Thanks…for Sauna Pants

Thanksgiving is that annoying little holiday that gets in the way of me pitching a tent outside Target in hopes of buying this:

Yes, there are only four shopping days left until the consumer frenzy that is Black Friday. What better way to cap off a day expressing your thanks for family, friends and health then by elbowing someone’s else grandma in the face to get this great deal at Walmart:

I don’t know about you, but I am extra excited this year. This year the stores are opening at 8 p.m. on Thanksgiving Day!!!

That means I can have this in my mouth four hours earlier than I thought:

Thankful.

That means I can spend the remainder of Black Friday on actual Friday wearing these:

And using this:

You know with Black Friday intruding earlier and earlier into the Thanksgiving holiday, it’s only a matter of time before we forget Thanksgiving existed all together, and instead transform it into Black Friday Eve.

FYI – this is what I want for next Black Friday Eve…pssttt! It’s at K-Mart!

And then we don’t have to even worry about cooking a turkey for future Black Friday Eves.

Give thanks.

Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). She would feel more inspired if she was wearing sauna pants while she did this…hint…hint…

“It’s Been Fun”

This is a weekend for traveling.

More than 5 billion Americans will jump into their cars and drive to some destination so they can watch a parade, wave a flag, buy an inflatable Angry Bird™ balloon manufactured in China, and drink too much. I am doing all four things right now so my estimation of the number of American drivers might be a little off.

The recession is beyond us, according to Triple A, aka AAA not to be confused with AA or ABC. Gas prices are down, the three As declared, and promptly forgot to tell all the gas stations in my hometown since yesterday I spent $55 to fill up my Toyota Camry when it still had one-quarter of gas in the tank. But apparently, I will use all that “extra” money to buy me some entertainment in the form of restaurants, furniture rental stores and dollar stores.

I am using my savings to buy these at the Dollar Tree:

Snap-on feather hair extensions are extremely useful when the chemicals contained inside them cause one to lose 75% of one’s hair.

Mine will be red, white and blue.

The people-travel-on-holidays is a news story in the NY Post, and I am all too familiar with these non news stories that a reporter is forced to write to fill news holes on a long holiday weekend.

In Memorial Days of yore, I would be a lucky American non-traveler holed up in a cubicle on a Saturday covering four events that would eventually lead me down the path of obtaining an MLS so I would never have to interview people at the annual soap box derby ever again.

So. . . why are you at the soap box derby?

My daughter is racing.

Awesome. Grrl power. . . I’m sorry I said that. Um. So, what do you like about the soap box derby?

The fact my daughter is in it.

Yes, great stuff. Let me make sure I’ve quoted you accurately.

By the way the winner of the race “likes to race” and “enjoys the competition part.”

You’re welcome.

Then I would rush over to the annual wheat festival 20 minutes away to report on festive wheat. The ole’ timey wheat thresher would ole-timely thresh, and people would consume switzle–a concoction of vinegar, sugar, water and ginger–and vomit profusely.

Here is a direct quote from an news article I wrote about it:

“It’s been fun,” said one of the organizers. “We chose this weekend because of the weather and because it would be a patriotic weekend.”

Where the fuck is my Pulitzer?

Then I would write a story about oxygen being required for people to breathe, and inevitably someone would stick the inflatable parade balloon somewhere it should never be, and I would write about that when I did my police calls, and I would call it a day.

But this year, I’m free, people.

I’m free to join the 399,000 or 4 billion other drivers on the road to more happiness or more nowhere.

If only I can kick my switzle habit, I’ll be home free.

Gift Ideas for Every Mom

It used to be so easy with Mother’s Day. You took a frozen orange juice container, glued a piece of shag carpet around it–and presto instant carpet-covered frozen orange juice container.

But moms want us to “step up our game” apparently, according to Cosmopolitan magazine, and Cosmopolitan magazine is rarely wrong. Its expose on the “50 Things to Do With Your Boobs” was revelatory (#47 – Shuck corn), as was its expose on the “50 Sexy Ways to Sexily Shuck Sexy Corn” (#26 – Go heavy on the anal bleaching).

Not all moms are the same. Some like overpriced gunk made by the tiny fingers of orphans working in non-ventilated sweatshops while others like products that need to be included in the magazine per the advertisers marketing agreement.

So what if you’re unsure of your mom’s type? Luckily Cosmo breaks it down into 12 essential categories of motherhood. I have lumped some together and narrowed it down to four, having learned much from Cosmo’s expose on “50 Sexy Ways to Reduce the Amount of Sexy Time Spent on Sexily Writing Sexy Blogs and How to Keep Him Coming Back For More” (#26 – Limit the number of crotch shots to 9)

Sentimental/Techy/Stressed Out Mom

Got a mama who tears up over cat food commercials? That goblet containing the ocean whitefish reminds me of my third wedding *sob* … Does it then remind her she has a fifth wedding to plan, and she needs to decide if she’s going to go with the candied almonds in a mesh bag or the engraved toothpicks for the wedding favors and she starts to get so stressed out? And you have to say Chill out, mama, and she screams back You were a mistake!! A beautiful mistake *sob*. . . and the cycle repeats for another 17 hours.

So if that’s her, then get her this:

Ionic Salt Bowl Lamp

Girly/Party/Trendy Mom

Does your mother speak in vocal fry? Wear her hair in pink pigtails and pink ponytails and pink whaletails? Does she rock ‘n roll all night and party everyday? Does she say the latest catchphrases like “I’m da bomb diggety dog doody wad dilly bum bum noodle noodle casserole stew”?

She sounds wonderful.

Then get her this:

Perfect for wet T-shirt contests.

Sporty/Artsy/Quirky Mom

Jesus–is this done yet? No.

Okay so does your moo-moo Zumba (Sporty Spice) while sculpting (Artsy Spice), but instead of using clay she uses Hamburger Helper (Quirky Spice)? Then this is the must-have:

Works with Hamburger Helper.

Adventurous/Traveler/Mommy Mom

Is your mom always out and about, wanting to visit the latest war-torn spaghetti factory or taste sea foam biscuit ice cream raisins? Is she also a Mommy Mom? And what is a Mommy Mom? Is she a mom who acts infantile and wants you to baby her? Or is she a mommy with a second or third family and that’s why she’s always leaving under the guise of being an adventurous traveler? Who knows?

Just get this and we’ll call it a day:

To Know the Actual Love For You

Wouldn’t that be something–especially today of all days, the 14th day in the month-long celebration of National Bird Feeding? To know the actual love the actual someone has for the actual person who is you? I wish there was a list of actual tips. Maybe written by someone for whom English is a second language. Then I would know if a guy has a love for their girls.

The Internet never ceases to amaze me, whether it be sating my never-ending desire to know all there is to know about adult baby syndrome or helping to master the intricacies of the Shake Weight®, it always comes through for me. Google even made me a video Valentine I never finished watching because I clicked on a link to learn how to get freakishly long eye lashes (cow urine moistened onto the eyelashes followed by dollop of bird urine, cover with gauze). It was difficult to read through the gauze, but I did find a website that answered the age-old question:

How is it possible to know the actual love of the guy for you?

Tip 1 – When he takes interest in your matters like your work schedule.

I asked Mr. Speaker7 if he knew what I did at 10:35 a.m. today. He responded: “No, what did you do?”  I have been giving him the silent treatment ever since, and broke it only to say what I would like to order for take out.

Tip 2 – When a guy keeps a track on your habits.

I break my silence. What is my number 1 habit? I ask my husband. “Sitting in front of a computer screen for hours,” he responds.

The correct response is ribbon sorting.

Tip 3 – When a guy wants to spend more time with you, dates out with you and shares your favorite pastimes, then he is madly in love with you.

Do you want to mix up these ribbons and then sort them by thread count? I ask. “It’s been a really long day,” sighs Mr. Speaker7

Tip 4 – If he tries to be friendly with you, it show signs of love for you.

I think the supermarket cashier is into me because he said “Here you go. Have a nice day” rather than spitting in my face, a clear sign of no love for you.

Tip 5 – Changing of topic when you discuss about your future with him is not a good sign of a healthy relationship with your love.

What is the future of your relationship with my love? I query breathlessly. “…” responds Mr. Speaker7 because he left the room 20 minutes ago to stop answering these questions.

Tip 6 -His every action will make you believe he loves you.

Really? His every action? All humans poop. There was even a book written about it. Should I see if he is or is not pooping on a photo of me? How far do I go here? I mean your tip is very specific and helpful, but where do we draw the line? Ball scratching? Yes, ball scratching.

I think that’s a good tip to end on especially since Tip 17 is “knowing when to end your blog post on a positive love note shows he feels in love with his love over you” and there are 3,259 other tips. And Mr. Speaker7’s action of folding laundry when I hate folding laundry is clearly making me believe he loves me in a sharing of not-favorite-pastimes-kind-of way.

Happy Bird Feeding Month to you all!

I Resolve to Read this Post

A new year is soon approaching unless you live in another part of the world where it actually already is Jan 1. I may be American, but I realize people live elsewhere, and that is one of my resolutions–to repress my jingoism.

USA! USA! USA! Sorry just had to get one last chant out before the close.

I also resolve to return to my art that once was a main staple of this blog.

Price: $5,321,245,999.99

I am not the only one with grand ambitions this year. Many people and entities (since corporations are technically people in the sense they can spend as much as the cost of my artwork on political campaigns and crush the soul of the world) are starting the new year off right with some brand-spanking new resolutions. Let’s resolve to slog through them for auld lang syne’s sake.

Charlie Sheen

“I resolve to refrain from speaking unless I have something of value to say. Regretfully, I will now not say anything for the rest of the year.”

Dr. Phil McGraw

“I resolve to donate my gigantic head to science immediately. This will be a win-win for those with elephantitis of the head and those who have accidentally caught my television show and heard the absolutely appalling turidsh advice I give to my guests.”

Presidential contender and professional crier Newt Gingrich

“Ditto what the big-headed turd just said.”

NBC’s new sitcom Are You There, Chelsea?

“We resolve to make Whitney look good by being the worst sitcom on NBC.”

ABC’s new sitcom Work It:

“We resolve to make Are You There, Chelsea look good by being the worst sitcom of the millennium.”

Formerly employed 50-something actor Doug Hutchinson and his child bride Courtney Stodden

“We resolve immediately to star in our own reality television show, and continue to live our lives with dignity, taste and decorum.”

Keeping Kup Kwith Kthe Kardashians

“We resolve to focus this upcoming season on restoring Bruce Jenner’s original face, and to staying irrelevant.”

Miraculously Miraculous

Christmas is a time of miraculous miracles that miraculously mystify through their miraculousness.

The Virgin Mary gave birth to Jesus who grew up and now lives forever at the North Pole under the moniker “Santa Claus.”

A hefty bag gave birth to many tiny hefty bags that were assembled together into a life size replica of Bo, the White House First Dog.

credit: Washington Post

And the Today show had a feature on how retailers are thrilled by the joy people spread through the firing of bullets, the stabbing of knives and the trampling of feet to obtain products that people can wear on their feet while they fire guns, stab and trample on others.

I guess some new sneakers came out, and they supposedly turn you into Michael Jordan when you wear them or maybe Lil Bow Wow, who starred in the movie Like Mike about a boy who finds a pair of old sneakers that make him play basketball like Michael Jordan. That–or they look cool so that’s why someone stabbed that guy seven times to get ahead of him in the line outside the mall.

Nike was none too happy (but kind of secretly happy) that people were literally trampling over toddlers to jam their feet into $180 shoes. They released this statement:

But there is a silver lining in all the attempted murdering–consumer confidence is up, people are spending and they are buying smart, says some smiling Today show guy in Florida. He smiles through his spiel about the tension people can feel when a gun suddenly goes off in a crowded sporting goods store before segueing into how people are using their trigger fingers to diddle their smart phones looking for the best deals and best ways to murder.

Christmas.

Around 25 percent of the population started buying their tangible displays of love this week, the Today show guy statisticizes, and 54 percent surveyed said that 80 percent of news stories that contain 63 percent of statistics make them sound 103 percent more scientific than stories that use less than 12 percent of surveys and 3 percent of reporting.

Shopping so close to the climax of the consumerism orgy fills Sheila Lopez with the Christmas spirit.

“I have to buy clothes,” she says in a spirited monotone befitting of one of the zombies in Dawn of the Dead.

Sheila then goes and bites the face of the nearest person carrying a Nike bag containing Air Jordans.

Miraculous.

It’s A-Okay!

I learn so much as a human being who has eyes and ears and occasional numbness in my pinky toe. But I had no idea how much I repressed what I said until I saw this on Facebook:

I wept silently into my Old Glory hotpants for about an hour. But after my crying jag, I felt liberated. Clearly Christmas is under attack. Why else would Christmas decorations go up Oct. 25 when they should be up after July 4th? The intention is to rip this holy commercial holiday right out of baby Jesus’ tiny baby hands and beat the crap out of it with baseball bats emblazoned with the slogan: “Happy Holidays from Al Qaeda!”

But guys.. did you know it’s okay to say “Merry Christmas” and “God Bless America” without being struck down by the iron fist of straw men?  I feel like a giant weight made out of air has been lifted off my shoulders.

However this got me thinking: what else is it “okay to say” that for some reason or other I wasn’t saying because it was not beautifully set against a backdrop of a waving flag?

Get ready for some freedomy freedom being freedomed your way:

And lastly my favorite:

Vultures are AMAZING.

While I roast some chestnuts on the fire and move the pieces of the Nativity scene around so that Mary is lying down because she just had a baby for cripes sake, I ponder what Christmas means to me.

I quickly become bored and open up my laptop and check Facebook where I discover what one of my “friends” thinks about Christmas.

There are many things that confuse me about this status update. First, why did I read the whole thing and then take a screen shot of it? And B, was Santa Claus, Rudolph and those Coke-swilling polar bears at Jesus’s birth? And second, does it really bother you when some underpaid, abused retail clerk mumbles “Happy Holidays” rather than making the sign of the cross and saying “HO HO HO Merry Christmas. . . is that what’s really ruining the holiday, not the people who pepper spray other people for a $2.95 Forever Lazy®? And lastly, why are you yelling? The yelling hurts my eyeballs.

Believe me, I would totally be on the same page with you if sh*t was going down like it did when Nero was Roman emperor, and Christians were torn apart by dogs and set on fire. That is some hardcore persecution right there. But this? Some person ringing up your FisherPrice Imaginext 2 Foot Dragon World Fortress™ at the local dollar store, mumbling “Happy Holidays” as s/he tries to avoid getting cancer from exposure to the products made out of asbestos and arsenic?  I don’t think your “persecution” is going to land you on the Christian martyr list.

Here’s the thing, “friend.” You can scream or write in caps lock “Merry Christmas” until your lungs burst or you have carpal tunnel and no one will really give a mistletoe sprig (well unless it’s at 4:30 a.m., but that’s why noise ordinances are enacted). That is because in America–for now–you are free to practice or not practice any religion you want. I don’t know if things will change now that the U.S. Senate has voted to allow the military to arrest Americans and detain them indefinitely.

Merry Christmas.

But as it stands if I want to practice the religion of Speaker7ism where I believe Speaker7 is omniscient and omnipresent then praise be to Speaker7.

Now I am by no means a history scholar, but I’ve been able to cobble together some knowledge from Snapple bottle caps, Chinese restaurant menus and the labels on Molson Canadian Light. I have learned that vultures can fly for six hours without flapping their wings and that the founding fathers did not want to repeat the problems in England by creating a state-sponsored religion. It never seems to go well for the people in the religious minority.

Really no one can take your belief away from you unless you let them. And your belief should be that Speaker7 is the light and the way.

Or else.

Santa Claus is Kind of a Dick

I’m not a big fan of St. Nick and his twinkling dimples and his obvious cocaine addiction (Visit all of the homes in the world in one night? Yeah, that’s the cocaine talking). But what really cemented my dislike for the jolly red-suited jerk was the way he behaved in Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. 

I loved that show as a kid and looked forward to seeing it air around Christmas time. I then saw it as an adult, and discovered the truth about Santa: He is kind of a dick.

He does not have the best reaction when catches sight of Rudolph without the prosthetic brown nose Donner makes him wear.

The subtext is clear: you better be a conformist brown-noser. This opens up the poor little reindeer to taunts and ridicule and his expulsion from all the reindeer games. Sure, Rudolph resembles the patient from the Operation board game, but it’s just a shiny red nose. It looks just like Santa’s after a trip to the bathroom.

Santa does nothing to discourage the bullying, and in fact seems to hold the worldview of “brown nose good, red nose bad.”

So what choice does Rudolph have, but to leave the home he’s only known and travel to New York City where differences are not just accepted, they’re completely ignored.

He meets Ratso Rizzo with the hope that Ratso can help him become a hustler. He meets up with Hermey who has also been ostracized for his unwillingness to work in Santa’s sweatshop.

Together the two travel to the Island of Misfit Toys where toys that did not meet Santa’s standards are sent to die. You know who Santa’s beginning to sound like right? Yeah, I’m going to say it…Martha Stewart. She is a dick.

Rudolph ekes out a living in the wilderness and a few months later decides to return home. He arrives in the middle of a blizzard. Santa is flipping out that he won’t be able to perform his one-day a year job, and talks about canceling Christmas Eve. Santa then has a brilliant idea.

So everything is now hunky dory because the freak reindeer can actually be useful. Great message, Santa. Well done.

Don’t even get me started on the whole naughty-or-nice nonsense especially since Santa’s character judgment is a bit sketchy. Oh, and a piece of coal for those who are naughty? Yeah, how did you get that coal Santa? Removed a few mountaintops in West Virginia? Next you will be doling out vials of hydrofracked wastewater.

It’s going to be generic hydrox cookies this year, buddy.

I’ve Come to the Conclusion that I Hate Myself

Maybe hate is too strong a word…I guess I loathe myself. Here is my proof: I’m in the kitchen, pouring my 11th cup of coffee when my husband calls to me “Donnie Deutsch is up next on the Today show” and my response is “I guess I should watch.”

I guess I should watch because I loathe myself. The first time I saw Donnie Deutsch, I was a Donnie Deutsch newbie (I was originally going to type virgin, but I could not stop dry heaving) so I really had no idea what to expect. I mean, it was the fourth hour of the Today show so it was destined to be awful, but I had no idea how incomprehensibly awful.

Lifeintheboomerlane actually googled Donnie Deutsch, found out his first name is spelled with a “y” and viewed a picture of him in a speedo. I am presently taking up a collection to pay for the many hours of therapy she now needs.

She discovered he is a “TV personality” whatever that is, but today he is a Today “professional.”(???)

Matt Lauer–not wearing glasses, but holding them in his hand, which still gives the appearance of intelligence–interviewed three Today professionals (???) about the “latest headlines and trends.”

Matt first asks: “What is with this latest trend of demeaning the word ‘professional’ by labeling total morons as professionals?”

No, I’m sorry that wasn’t the first question.

It was “Black Friday starts on Thursday? Whas up, dawgs?” (I’m paraphrasing)

Donnie answers: “You know, I’m so tired of people blaming the media for destroying things guess what if you don’t want to go to a store on Thanksgiving don’t go I mean by the way everything is supply and demand if consumers didn’t demand that we wouldn’t do it but I’m so tired of the media causes are destroying the holiday don’t go to the store.”

That was a very professional answer.

Matt’s all like “dude, what about the people who have to work at these retail establishments? They have to leave their families on Thanksgiving Day and deal with the PTSD that comes from watching people get trampled by other people desperate to purchase a Forever Lazy® for under $4.”

Donnie replies: “Guess what guess what guess what I think of the millions unemployed, I think a lot of people would be thankful to work on Thanksgiving unfortunately.”

I wonder how many of those millions wish they could make a lot of money being a TV personality with no discernible talent.

Hold the presses. Republican presidential front runner Newt Gingrich said something awful. To read about how totally awesome Newt Gingrich is, check out Best Bathroom Books.

Here’s what he said: “You say to somebody you shouldn’t work before you’re what, 14, 16 years of age, fine. You’re totally poor. You’re in a school that is failing with a teacher that (sic) is failing. I’ve tried for years to have a very simple model. Most of these school ought to get rid of the unionized janitors, have one master janitor and pay local students to take care of the school. The kids would actually do work, they would have cash, they would have pride in the schools, they’d begin the process of rising.”

Child labor laws are like soooo 1930s. Child labor is good for the soul.

Donnie says this: “Newt Gingrich. I think what he forgot is being a janitor is not a simple thing, it’s chemicals it’s HVAC.”

Dear Newt:

When Donnie Deutsch makes more sense than you, it’s time to hang it up.

With much love,

Speaker7

News alert: It’s the end of the ’50s male, according to Matt Lauer. I have no idea what that means, but apparently lots of men said it was okay if their wives or partners were the family breadwinners. “Is this enlightment,” Matt asks, gripping his glasses very tightly. “Or a sign of the economic times?”

“I’ll tell you why right now the latter point that Matt made these times are so dire that I think a lot of men of hey wherever it comes from having said that I want to be the main breadwinner in my family maybe that makes me insecure or what not as a man, but I think if we took the survey 5 years ago, we’d have a different answer,” screeches Donnie.

One of the other professionals, Starr Jones, said “God told Adam to go to work. . . it’s something innate in a man.” God also was pissed when Onan ejaculated into the ground rather than into his brother’s wife so make of that what you will.

Matt finally gets to the burning issue: Turkey or stuffing?

“Stuffing,” Donnie professionally replies, “Because there’s turkey all year round stuffing separates it.”

I was right the first time: I hate myself.