Only 91 Shopping Days until Halloween

It’s easy to lose track of time in the hustle and bustle of daily life. I spend so much time taking care of my family and obsessing about Jennifer Aniston’s alleged baby bump that I nearly missed Halloween.

Luckily the local grocery store put up its Halloween candy display on July 31.

I want to applaud the store for getting a jump on the holiday because seriously it would have looked like a giant wang-hole if it had waited until Aug. 1. By then, I’m completely out of the Hallow’s Eve mood, and ready for winter.

Although I appreciate the steady drumbeat of consumerism, I’m having difficulty deciding on my Halloween costume. Normally this is locked down on June 15 so I have enough time to plan my Saxophone Day activities (Nov. 6, only 97 shopping days away!!!!!!).

I wanted to portray my favorite superhero:

But I fear that it may have the shelf life of a pumpkin carved on Aug. 2 (Pumpkins should be carved on July 5, silly). And there’s a good chance that another politician will be embroiled in some other scandal that will eclipse Weiner’s wiener.

I’m feeling the pressure, a pressure that can only be relieved by ingesting 40 pounds of candy corn.

Unfortunately now that it’s Aug. 2, the local supermarket has moved on.

A Trip Down Horror Lane

It’s that time of year.

The time when one has engorged oneself on countless bags of mini-snickers that one was able to procure regularly from the massive Halloween candy pile on display since early August.

The time when an avid TV viewer can turn on the channel, and see Michael Myers dough-boy face looking impassively back at her.

The time to watch horror movies.

This time of year takes me back to the days when a young Speaker7 put a steak knife under her mattress for “just-in-case” purposes.

I have no business watching scary movies. It is something I cannot handle yet I cannot help myself.

By day, I am a rational pragmatic person who makes decisions based on logic and reason. But at night, that person is gone, replaced by someone who is convinced that lump of dirty clothes in the corner is, in fact, the evil spawn of Jason and Chucky.

I’ve gotten better. I know there is no way in demonic-possession I’m going to watch any of the Paranormal Activity movies. I will never see The Exorcist and I sure as shit ain’t sitting through any movie about a haunted dibbuk box some jerk bought on eBay.

I’ve learned my lesson from a childhood spent sleeping on the floor of my parent’s bedroom. It would follow the usual pattern. I would stay up late by myself watching some horrible movie on HBO. I would go to my bedroom and start panicking the moment I turned out the lights. Five minutes later, I would run down the hall to my parent’s bedroom, and pull out the mattress they kindly stowed under their bed for this very purpose.

So what were the movies that caused me to lose my shit?

1. Salem’s Lot

I don’t even remember the plot of this movie. I just know at one point this blue-looking vampire fuck was flying outside someone’s window. I thought I could protect myself by placing all my stuffed animals on the window seat by the top of the stairs. Yeah, like they could do anything. And you thought Edward Cullen’s sparklyness was frightening.

Length of time on parent’s bedroom floor: one week.

2. Amityville Horror II: The Possession

Yes, okay, the house is filled with some demon spirit that possesses the older brother who then shoots his entire family to death. My house was not filled with evil spirits, but did have an older brother who once chased me around the house with a weed-whacker so–wait, why am I watching this?!?

Length of time on parent’s floor: a month (“More like a year.” — Speaker7’s mom).

3. Friday the 13th

I don’t remember the name of my kindergarten teacher, but I sure as shit remember a bald-headed Jason popping out of the water and grabbing the last remaining camp counselor by the neck and pulling her underwater.

Length of time on parent’s floor: a week

4. Rosemary’s Baby

I would still watch this movie. I think I might have even watched it while pregnant because I am a big genius. To this day I think tarragon is tannis root, and I’m always suspicious of it.

Length of time on parent’s floor: a week.

5. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

I know technically this is not a horror movie, but I just have two words for you: Oompa Loompa.

Length of time on parent’s floor: 0, but I wanted to, I really wanted to.

6. The Shining

The little boy with the talking finger, the elevator of blood, the deranged father–yes this is the stuff of nightmares, but they got nothing on those twins, man. Those creepy-as-shit twins. I would make out with a decaying old woman any day of the week over having a conversation with those twins.

Length of time on parent’s floor: six weeks

7. Nightmare on Elm Street

I thought I could handle this one by watching it with the volume turned completely off, a boom-box playing Duran Duran and multiple bags of salt-and-vinegar Wise potato chips, my number one comfort food. Didn’t work.

Length of time on parent’s floor: two months.

8. Scream

Okay, so technically I was not a child when Scream was released in theaters. I was more like in the 20-year-old range. I saw this when I was home for the Christmas holiday and it’s very likely that I snuck into my parent’s room and slept on their floor and snuck out in shame very early the next morning before they woke up.

Length of time on parent’s floor: one embarrassing night.

So what movies have caused you sleepless nights?

The World Ends Today

I don’t really know the point of working on this post since the world is ending today. There’s a 67 percent chance the world will end before I even finish this sentence.

Should I even bother with a drawing? It takes actually drawing something and then scanning it and then putting it in photoshop then uploading it. The world could end during any of these steps.

I’m going to put this instead:

This is Donald Trump with Rick Perry’s hair. I didn’t know how to work it into my last post. Since the world is ending I figured I should use it now.

I would also like to show this:

This is Rick Perry with Donald Trump's hair. I also saw no way to use it in the last post. Now here it is for you to enjoy on your last day on earth.

Whew…I now feel like I wrapped up everything that I should have. . . although I probably should have tried to snag at least one Reese peanut butter cup from the king-size pack before my husband ate them all. It would have been nice to explode or whatever happens during end times with the taste of chocolatey peanut butter in my mouth.

You might be asking (if you have time to ask because the world could end now. Or now. Or right now. ….oorrrrrrr now) how do I know the world is ending? The Today show told me.

It seem appropriate that I would write my last post about the Today show since most of my posts are about the Today show. We had a good run, my friend. I loved all those times you sucked.

The female anchorbots who all look alike had a story about Harold Camping. He’s a 90-year-old preacher who likes to predict Armageddon. He has done it three times, the most recent being today. He said the end would come very quietly.

That’s nice.

I would be disappointed if the end turned out to be just like a terrible Michael Bay movie.

The female anchorbots laughed and laughed about this. They made “funny” “jokes” like:

“If I go out of focus, you’ll know my cameraman’s  just been raptured”

and

“I hope his track record continues”

Bwhahahahahahahahaha! Funny stuff, except aren’t you the very ones giving this giant goofball attention? He could say his crazy predictions on his little radio station, and his listeners could cash in their 401ks to buy big boxes of wine and that would be that. But you have given this story national significance. . . so now I think Harry Camping may have a point.

Especially since later in the show,  you spotlighted the most popular Halloween costumes. The most popular are the “Charlie Sheen” complete with a bottle of tiger’s blood and the “Anthony Weiner” complete with a giant prosthetic penis.

If that doesn’t foreshadow the end times, I don’t know what does….

________ Sexy Adult Costume

My excitement over purchasing items from the LTD Commodities Christmas Catalog almost led me to forgetting about Halloween.

Can you really blame me?

Look at this:

insert “you might be a redneck” joke

If it’s too small to read all the jokes have to deal with making a play on the word “crack” while showing a redneck’s ass crack. I do not understand this. If you can explain the joke to me, please do so in the comments area. Thank you so much.

And this:

Made 100 percent out of sparkly marble

**I believe you are purchasing towels, rugs or blankets with the actors’ likeness not the actual actors themselves.**

But thank Great Pumpkin for email. I mainly get emails from WordPress, but sometimes I get something special like offers to purchase white spray paint for my teeth (did you know that oxygen molecules work their way through dentinal tubules?? Science!!) or to buy Halloween costumes.

I am all about Halloween except when I forget about it due to excitement over Christmas catalogs, but that has only happened once.

I am all about sexy costumes…excuse me…seXXXyyyyyyyyejglk costumes. I really like to tart it up for Halloween, but have run out of ideas and really don’t want to go back to an old standby when I pretend to be a child for trick or treating. I’ve been a seXxy, sassy Oedipus Rex complete with Burger King crown and tears of blood from the gouging of my eyes. I’ve been a seXXtifed Vincent Van Gogh with a supersexxxxxxyyyy bloodied bandaged around my ear. I’ve been a too-hot-too-handle Lybian terrorist (this was for the 9th grade Halloween dance. Odd that I didn’t have a boyfriend until college) with a fake beard. So as you can see I’m all about sexiness sells sexshells by the seashore.

So how am I’m going to whore it up this year? I don’t want to do something blah like sexxy truck driver or sexXxy zombie Dick Cheney. I have a child now. I want to set a good example. Luckily I did not automatically trash an email from Buycostumes.com or else I would have lost out on some truly sexily fantastic ideas. Such as this:

KISS Catman Sexy Adult Costume

What is sexxxier than Peter Criss? Maybe Gene Simmons, which they also have as a KISS Demon Sexy Adult Costume. This feline is ready to rock all night long and party every day. I wish I could take credit for that sentence, but it’s from the Buycostume website.

And this:

The Silence of the Lambs Sexy Adult Costume

I remember when Hannibal Lector was eating that guy’s face, I was thinking “That is some sexy cannibalism right there.” Apparently this outfit is an officially licensed Silence of the Lambs (SOTL) product. I wonder what else is out there? Possibly a SOTL® lotion that it can rub on its skin and put inside a SOTL® basket?

If chainsaw-wielding psychopaths are more your thing, they do also offer Miss Leatherface Sexy Adult Costume.

Or this:

Sloth Sinner Sexy Adult Costume

When I think of attaching the sexy label to one of the seven sins, sloth is always first on the list…well maybe it ties with gluttony (unfortunately there is no Gluttony Sinner Sexy Adult Costume). Lazy is the new sexy.

And lastly this:

The Sushi’s On Me Sexy Adult Costume

I really have nothing better to offer so I will let Buycostumes speak for itself:

“Miso sexy! Presentation is everything, right? I guess if that’s how you roll! Costume includes a nude-colored bodysuit with attached leaves and faux sushi. Heads will turn (and mouths may water) when they see this impressive spread.”

Very, very tasteful. Classy, too.

I’m so..excuse me… Miso buying all of these.