Gummo

The Bachelor Non-Event Two Day Event!!

Son of a bitch.

So today marks the first day in a two-day Bachelor event. Spielberg was able to show the story of Oskar Schindler in little over two hours, but The Bachelor needs two whole days to show a piece of cardboard grind against helium-filled Dora the Explorer balloons.

There are 47 or 6,003 women left. The cast inexplicably is moved to Montana. Possible explanation is all the herpes medication in LA has been used up. The western meadowlark is Montana’s state bird. That is the most exciting sentence you will read in this recrap.

Host Chris Harrison shows up. His shirtail is untucked cuz he’s laidback, yo. He talks of the upcoming dates. One is a two-on-one date. Only one will return, Chris Harrison warns. Sounds a bit murdery.

Bland misses “the women” and can’t want to “spend more time with them,” he dead eyes.

His chooses Linnnddssyyeyasay for the one-on-one date. She cries because life is meaningless. She has trouble identifying a helicopter. They helicopter to a picnic, and another polar bear slides off a melting ice floe due to the carbon emissions.

More words lose all meaning. Words like “connection,” “dream come true,” “wife.”

Linnndddssyyeyasay and Bland dance while some recording sensation sings in the town square. And now “magical” has been ruined forever.

Group date. Goat-milking. Connections are made. It is magical. Bland offers one of the goats a rose. It eats it and poops a happy ending.

Some fake controversy because the team who lost the goat milking contest gets to also be bored forever by Bland instead of drink themselves into oblivion and watch 30 Rock reruns in the palatial lodge. Jesus, that sounds really good right now.

Some drunk woman drunk-cries because she stumbled over to talk to Bland, and he and another woman “were sitting on each other’s laps.” This just proves this show is wayyyyyyyy better when one is drunk.

The dreaded two-on-one date. One of the datees is “The Villain.”  The threesome awkwardly drink wine. Bland suggests a hand-job contest spending time alone with each. The producers take Bland aside and tell him to give the rose to “The Villain” because reality television thrives on stupidity. “The Villain” evily hugs him and cackles like a caricature of a villain on a crappy reality dating show.

Rose ceremony. Boring and more boring. Mouths move, saying banalities. “The Villain” says she’s all punchy feeling toward the other “ladies.” One of the ladies has an argument with “The Villain” that makes me feel like I’m as drunk as everyone else on the show. It makes that scene in Gummo where a guy fights with a chair seem completely composed and rational.

Bland hates all the drama, which is why he agreed to appear on a dating reality show where 25,000 narcissists compete for his tongue juice. Is “The Villain” nice or is she like, not nice, Bland thinks in his concrete-ladened head until it causes a synapse to fire out his butt.

This is the hardest thing he’s ever had to do™ or at least I’m expecting Bland will say this at some point. He gets real with Chris Harrison and says “The ladies aren’t paying enough attention to my penis” or “I don’t know if I see my wife in that group of ladies.” Let me just stress again that there is another fucking episode tomorrow.

Chris Harrison greets the contestants and says “It’s been an interesting night.” I just looked in the dictionary to see if “interesting” means what I think it means.

The drunken argument lady does not get a rose.

How interesting.