gravy

Obligatory Thanksgiving Post

This will be short because there is funnel of gravy with my name on it.

What I’m thankful for:

  • funnels of gravy
  • priceless sculptures

exhibit A

  • families who pose in unitards

  • celebrities’ obligatory Thanksgiving comments

  • Advice books

  • Fifty Shades-inspired homages

And…..what am I missing?

Oh yes, all of you. For reals, people. This has been one of the most creatively fulfilling things I have ever done, and that’s saying a lot because I once covered a lawnmower race. All kidding aside, thanks for reading me, giving me inspiration and making me laugh.

Now go eat your weight in gravy. Even if you aren’t American and celebrating Thanksgiving, it’s still a great idea.

Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). This is why she has intruded on your holiday. 

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This is My Last Post

about gravy. This is also my first. Gravy is so good for a minute, and then it congeals and you remember you’re sucking down the fat run-off from a once living animal. And then you heat it up in the microwave and it’s liquid deliciousness again, and you stick a funnel in your mouth and wash down that spoonful of mashed potatoes with three quarts of cowfat run-off.

You may be wondering about this post’s content. Possibly. Gravy is pretty good. People should write about it. Or you may be wondering about the headline. The headline may be a twinge misleading.

You may have unwittingly clicked on it, thinking Oh my god! Is this end of Speaker7??? Who will I turn to for updates on adult baby syndrome or anal bleaching? (Answer: PBS News Hour with Jim Lehrer)

Rest easy, gentle reader. I am not going anywhere. In fact, I can’t. A gas and electric truck is currently blocking my driveway. When you’re dealing with electricity, basic rules of operating in a civilized society go out the window. I guess it’s the same for doctors’ offices, which explains why the one across the street thinks it’s a-okay to let its medical waste seep out of the 1/4-ply garbage bag into my yard. Used syringes are so cute in a 2-year-old’s hands!

My anger is causing me to lose focus.

The point is I played with your emotions to get you to click. I am in the process of learning how to write successful headlines to draw readers. A successful headline draws the reader’s attention, according to some writer who wrote the attention-grabbing headline “How to Write Effective Headlines”.

Initially I was going to go with this headline for the post: How To Write Effective Headlines Insight from How to Write Effective Headlines Author

I then read past the Effective Headlines headline, which was really, really difficult especially because there was a “shoot-the-watermelon” game happening on the right-hand side.

The point of the headline is trying to get people to read the article.

?!?

This was revelatory. I had thought headlines were meant to cause the inner light inside each and every one of us to collapse like dying stars. I had thought headlines were suppose to make you think I’d rather stick myself with that used syringe a second time than read this story–but no, headlines are designed to capture your wandering eye. Do you know 8 out of 10 people will read the headline, but only 2 out of 10 floss? And even though they have carved out a wedge of time to read blog posts since they are allowing their congealed gravy to stay between their teeth, they are not reading past the headline.

So my second headline attempt was: This Headline Is Meant to Get You to Read This Because Most of You Will Read This, But I also Want You to Click on This. Is that okay with you? Check the Yes or No Box and Get Back to Me. I Love You.

Apparently headlines are not supposed to be longer than the actual post unless you are Fiona Apple. They should also be punchy, not to be confused with paunchy which is what one can be if one consumes a lot of gravy. They should lash out at the readers’ eyes with a quick one, two.

So that’s how I ended up with the headline I did. And you clicked. And if you have made it this far, I have a reward.

Apparently people like sexy pictures. Blogs that contain sexy pictures get lots of page views.

So here’s a sexy picture:

This came up in a search for gravy. You’re welcome.