glenn beck

My New Exclusive Best Friend

This is a momentous time.

I’m not talking about the return of “Where in the World is Matt Lauer,” a segment where Matt Lauer travels to five secret destinations and everyone or no one should care, take your pick. I pick no one.

I’m also not talking about the release of Clown Beck’s new book I Cry Therefore I Am: A Study of Adult Baby Syndrome. It sounded really good when he cried about it to Kathie Lee Gifford. “I’m much more than a cartoon character,” he cried cryingly.

Heinz is releasing a new ketchup, an exclusive ketchup only available to the billions of people who use Facebook. This is a big story. I heard about this on NPR this morning. I first had to check that NPR was still a news agency (it is) and then I realized that this was a momentous time hence the opening line of this post.

The new flavor is balsamic vinegar ketchup. You can obtain it by becoming its friend on Facebook.

I am very excited. I’ve never made friends with a ketchup before, let alone a famous ketchup. At first I thought I mustard misheard, but now I relish the opportunity.

I wonder what its status updates will be?

Maybe “I’m a ketchup! Just sayin.” or “I may be a ketchup, but even I don’t give a flying f*** about ‘Where in the World is Matt Lauer.'”

I cannot wait to find out.

I wonder if it will like the same bands as me or watch the same TV shows. I hope so because I don’t know what else we can talk about.

Will it laugh, if I put “Heinzee, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship” on its wall?

Will it get angry if I question why that watery crap always seems to come out first and ruin my hamburger?

Will it be a godketchup to the second child I’m pressured into having by work acquaintances?

Endless possibilities…people are already posting how excited they are on the original Heinz ketchup Facebook page. These people have incredibly fulfilling lives covered in generous amounts of tomato concentrate.

This is what the original Heinz ketchup has as its status update: “Pumpkins aren’t just for carving! This weekend enjoy our Pumpkin Spice Bars as a delicious treat while you put the finishing touches on your Halloween costumes.”

Pumpkin spice bars made out of ketchup sound wonderful…almost as wonderful as becoming friends with a bottle of ketchup.

Momentous times.

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I Hate Charlie Brady King

This post will be a little disappointing. Readers I know you tune into this blog (since it is a radio show) and expect to be blown away by scholarly insight like Dr. Phil is a turd and the decline of America began when someone asked “Where’s the beef?” and someone else answered “I don’t know”…but here’s the thing, some person with the face of an ass (aka assface) decided to jackhammer my street at 4:30 a.m.

This is not a pleasant sound to be gently lulled into a conscious state. It can lead to outbursts of “What the f—-!!” and the ripping aside of drapes in order to burn the offender alive with death laser beams shooting from the eyeballs. It can lead to this:

I am a morning person, but 4:30 is still the middle of the night. I occasionally pulled all-nighters in college or at middle school slumber parties to avoid having my hand placed in a warm cup of water (my college roommates were aholes). I found that around 4 a.m., reality became a little fuzzy, a little dreamlike and things that happened during that time could not be recalled. Of course, it’s possible I fell asleep, but my point is 4:30 is not a proper time for a jackoff jerkwad to jackhammer into asphalt.

So I’m not bringing my A game to this post. It’s more like my Q game. I feel like I’m a contestant on Top Chef: Just Desserts and I’ve been asked to make a dessert out of raviolis and bottle of Brass Monkey, which is what the contestants were just asked to do on the rerun I’m watching. See I can’t even come up with my own analogies. Oh, the humanity.

Sarah Palin is not running for president. I learned this from the TV. They showed footage of her speaking at a Tea Party rally. Someone held a sign that said “I Like the Smell of the Tea Party in the Morning.” I would like to put that on a T-shirt and then take that T-shirt and jakehammer it on top of a sewer line. And then I would make another T-shirt that says “I Like the Smell of a Sewage-Soaked Jackhammered T-Shirt Over the Smell of the Tea Party in the Morning.”

She is putting her family first and working to elect those who will stop the “fundamental transformation” of our nation. That “fundamental transformation” is in “quotes” because it is a “beautiful” turn-of-phrase uttered by Clown Baby…I mean, “Glenn Beck,” who is a giant baby with the comic timing of a tramp.

Palin’s statement continues, and it’s one of the few times I would gladly accept a jackhammer to the head over listening to any more, but the gist is she’s going to work to bring this country back, and I never know what this means. Back to what? The time of Jim Crow? The time when women pretty much had three career paths open to them: teacher, nurse, housewife? The time of child labor and poor houses? The time before Kim Kardashian’s Fairytale Wedding? The time before Charles Brady King invented the jackhammer?

…I think she may be onto something.

 

The World Will End *insert date*

Okay so this hurricane is here, wreaking havoc and being a total bitch – this guy’s words not mine–and you may be wondering what you should do.

I would worry less about listening to the “meteorologists” and “public officials” and focus more on the people who are here to tell us what this storm really means. . . like radio personality Glenn Beck. Beck hasn’t always been accurate in his soothsaying in the past like when he predicted Aug. 22, 2006 was, “the day Israel’s going to be wiped off the map, leading to all out Armageddon.” Okay, so that didn’t happen. And usually when you say something like such-and-such date “is the day Israel’s going to wiped off the map, leading to all out Armageddon” and then that day passes with little fanfare, you’re likely going to look like an a-hole, and people may begin to second-guess the stuff you say. But Beck is really onto something this time.

I would get out your chalkboard to write this down. You don’t have a chalkboard!?! Go buy one. Right now! I’ll wait.

You’re back? Okay. So Beck basically said this hurricane was a “blessing from God” (I’d hate to see what it looks like when God is smiting someone). Just like with the earthquake, God is reminding us that we are not in control, which I imagine Beck needs little reminding.

Proof:

The Mona Lisa
Glenn Beck is crying. It is Saturday. 

Beck has been saying “for years” to be prepared for something like this to happen. And you’re a “dummy” if you haven’t been stocking up on guns, ammo, food and water.

Beck also has said this: “I just–I’m white. I’m human. There are a lot of environmentalists that don’t like humans, but within the humans that accept humans, I’m white. The majority of humans don’t like whites.”

Good to know. So how should you handle this impending blessing from God?

Do not, I repeat, do not go to the store to pick up food and water because you will seriously look like a “dummy” for not listening to Beck sooner. It’s better to save face. Here’s what you can do instead:

1. Trade your money in for gold coins.  Some possible places to get them? I’m just spitballing here, but try Goldline.

2. Buy a chalkboard. I’m really serious about this. I still can’t believe you haven’t gotten one yet. Oh. . .Staples won’t take gold coins? Shoot. Okay, well trade some of your gold coins in for cash to buy that chalkboard. What? You got less back then what you paid for? Not my problem.

3. Develop your own conspiracy theory about why this storm is happening. “God is reminding you you’re not in control” has already been taken. You can jump on that bandwagon, but if you want to get interviewed on TV or blogged about, try to outdo Beck. Some possible suggestions:

  • God hates the northeast because it’s filled with liberals
  • God hates the northeast because it’s filled with gays
  • God hates the northeast because it’s filled with Muslims
  • God hates the northeast because it’s filled with abortionists aborting all babies excepts ones that are liberal, gay or Muslim
  • God hates the northeast because it’s filled with illegal immigrants
  • God hates the northeast because it’s filled with liberal, gay, Muslim, abortion-loving illegal immigrants

That should do it. These tips will also work well in a variety of natural disasters, e.g. zombie apocalypse, Armageddon, Obama reelection, etc.