girl scouts

This Post Will Cost Me Followers

Holy Samoa!

The Girl Scouts are teaming up with Nestle to create Girl Scout candy bars. This is the beginning of a journey that will ultimately end with me being extracted from my house by a forklift.

The bars are inspired by my three favorite cookies: thin mints, tag alongs and samoas, also known as the devil cookie.

I have gained five pounds just from viewing this picture.

I don’t know about you, but when I rip open a box of thin mints, I don’t eat the suggested serving of 2 cookies, I eat the non suggested serving of 2 sleeves of cookies thereby enabling me to put the empty cardboard box in a recycling bin in a timely manner. I do this for the environment.

Since I like candy way more than cookies, I imagine I will be eating the weight of my house in thin mint bars. I am excited.

But do you know who isn’t excited?

The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops.

They have launched an intensive inquiry into the Girl Scouts much in the same manner they left no stone unturned in the Catholic priest sex scandal.

Wait, am I remembering that correctly?

Oh right.

So that was sort of swept under the rug a tad, but now they’re making up for it by examining whether the ingestion of Do-Si-Dos causes abortions. I’m sure if they find a connection, the bishops will just move that box of Do-Si-Dos from one warehouse to another. Problem solved.

Bishop and evil identifier Kevin Rhoades wrote a letter to the Girl Scouts requesting the organization clarify whether or not its programming turns girls into dirty, dirty whores who like unmarried sex, condoms and community service, but hate babies (I’m paraphrasing).

I should add that the Girl Scouts is a secular organization not run by the Catholic Church so this investigation makes perfect sense just the way my investigation into whether or not the Catholic Church leadership is out of its gourd is getting the attention it deserves (The results just come back: Yes it is – evidence).

“There had been some complaints about the Scouts, and the bishops couldn’t turn a deaf ear,” said Sister Mary Ann Walsh, a spokeswoman for the bishops.

Oh yes, I remember that guy. He looked up stuff on the Internet and concluded that the Girl Scouts was a communist organization hell bent on propagating Planned Parenthood’s pro-abortion agenda by going hiking and camping.

Yes, never ignore someone who looks like this:

“I look completely normal, right?l”

“I think you do.”

Um…I have a few complaints so maybe the bishops would like to keep their non-deaf ears turned this way.

Ok so here’s just a few, granted they are not as serious as the programming of a youth organization that attempts to instill the values of honesty and friendship, but hear me out:

  1. Why did the pope say condoms would make the AIDS crisis in Africa worse?
  2. Why did the pope reinstate a bishop who believes Jewish people were not sent to the gas chamber during the Holocaust, and said this about women: “A woman can do a good imitation of handling ideas, but then she will not be thinking properly as a woman”?
  3. Why did the pope criticize a group of nuns for focusing too much on poverty and economic injustice rather than focusing on cementing up lady parts, the root of all evil?

I’m sure you’ll get right on that.