georgia

Stillborn Turd

What are the differences between cows and women? I’m sorry I should probably rephrase that. Are there any differences between cows and women?

Hmmm.

I honestly don’t know. They both produce milk. They both can be moo-thers (did you see what I did there? No, I don’t either). They both are livestock.

I can see then why Terry England, a Georgia state representative, thought it completely appropriate to talk about livestock delivering stillborn babies in a discussion about a bill requiring women to deliver stillborn babies. Well, the bill prohibits any abortion after 20 weeks even if the fetus or mother are in distress.

Guys, Terry’s been there. He’s been there when his cow delivered a stillborn calf. He’s seen his pigs deliver stillborn piglets. It breaks his heart, but the point is–they can do it. So why can’t the ladies, am I right?

Why can’t the ladies just eat their cud, swish their tails and not worry about the dead fetal tissue inside of them until they lay on the barnyard floor and Terry shows up.

It’s completely the same.

Oh wait—I forgot the amazing incentive. Listen to this, it is seriously awesome. So Terry England was talking to some young feller about “dog or hog hunting” (that’s a thing?), and the feller’s like “Look, I make my living fighting chickens.”

This guy is total “salt of the earth people,” Terry assures.

He says “Terry, I’ve got to tell you something…when they quit killing babies, they can have every chicken I’ve got.”

Excuse me. I need to compose myself.

I’m back.

So can we do that everyone? Can we think of the poor, poor chickens? Aren’t chickens–like women–livestock too? I know they lay eggs, but sometimes those eggs are empty, and then used in Easter egg hunts.

I imagine Terry England has advisers, right? I wonder how that conversation went after Terry delivered that heartbreaking speech.

Adviser: Okay, so tell me again what you said.

England: I said calves and pigs deliver stillborn babies all the time so why not women who are mainly a different type of livestock.

Adviser: Wow. Okay. Um. Okay.

England: I was just speaking from my salt-of-the-earth heart.

Adviser: I understand. Not the best comparison, I might add.

England: Does it really matter? It’s not like they can vote.

Adviser: No..no actually they can. Since 1920, as a matter of fact. So yes, they do vote.

England: Shit. Are you sure? Cuz last I checked, my cows don’t go to the polls.

Adviser: Right, but see, women are humans.

England: No way. Really?

Adviser: Yes.

England: Goddang.Well, look, I was just talking to my buddies. No one’s going to care about that.

Adviser: You were giving a speech before the Georgia Legislature, and it was filmed.

England: I like hog hunting.

Adviser: It’s okay. I think we can spin it…..maybe we can say your microscopic penis made you say these things. It is really small. I mean, it’s almost a vagina, but the good thing is no one would make you actually carry dead fetal tissue because you have no reproductive organs, and that is beyond insane, but my point is, is that you have the smallest dick in the world.

England: Yup.

Adviser: So even if your career in politics is over, you could have a career going to state fairs as the man with smallest penis in the history of penises–so that’s something.

England: I like dog hunting.

What also is something, is that I found my Turd of the Week™ and it’s only Tuesday. Way to go America!

Shark Week is Every Week

Prognosticators have been prognosticating how future wars will not be fought over oil, but water. What these proctologisnosticators have failed to predict is that the enemy will not be man..

…..wait for it……

But SHARK! Dum Dum Dummmmmmmmmmmmmbbbbbbbbbbb!!!!!!

Sharks are infiltrating our fresh water in their quest for world domination, according to the Today show. I’m paraphrasing, of course. No one actually said that. The Today show instead talked about a kid catching a shark interjected with clips from the movie Jaws while ominous music played in the background. They are a serious news organization so they would never directly say something as crazy as the first sentence of this paragraph.

The on-air correspondent is in waders standing in a nondescript creek somewhere in Georgia that first sounded like Bologna, but is some place else. Because he is a serious journalist, he says “I’ve got to admit, I’m a little nervous standing in this water mainly because of what happened here.” A shark then leaps out of the water and bites off his head. Another shark gives the head-biting shark a high-five. Okay, that didn’t happen. The serious waders-wearing journalist says this spot is where two bull sharks paid a visit. And it wasn’t to sell Girl Scout cookies. He didn’t say that last part, but he could have and it would have been the greatest thing he said this entire segment.

In the movie Jaws, the serious reporter begins…do you remember that movie? You don’t? Well let’s show a clip of the robot shark eating half of a boat….the hunt for a killer shark began in the ocean, but here the shark showdown (he seriously used these words because he is serious) was basically in his backyard. The “his” is Noel, a 16-year-old boy from a family of shrimpers, who saw the sharks and caught one. That would take about 10 seconds to explain, but then it wouldn’t effectively scare the shit out of you.

This is what really is in store for all of you:

In the Shark War, nowhere is safe.

Yup, I saw two sharks, says Noel.

They were the man-eating bull sharks responsible for more deadly shark attacks than any other breed, fishes the journalist. The Today show should know. It reports on one attack several times so you think you will be killed by a bull shark merely uttering the word “ocean.” See here.

It was doozy, Noel says. Over 300 pounds, 8 feet, 5 inches long.

And that’s about 4.5 feet of water, the journalist terrorizes. So if the shark stood up, it would suffocate. But it would likely kill everything in sight before that happened.

Three minutes into a 3:35 minute segment, the reporter says no fresh water attacks have even been reported, but IT COULD HAPPEN!!!! Just like a piano could fall on top of you if you jackhammer a street at 4:30 a.m.

Noel points out he caught the shark where kids learn to swim. He’s a high school junior, narrates the host.  The segment cuts to his mom “Yeah, that’s my boy.” I think the serious journalist is running out of things to report. This part seems a bit unfocused.

Noel caught one of the sharks, the journalist intones. “We don’t know if the other shark is still around.” And he’s successfully back to full-panic mode.

Yes, that other shark is still out there. Still at large. Still waiting. Still plotting. Still wishing to take over the world.

The Shark War has just begun.