george washington

This Post is Brought to You By Metamucil

There are heroes out there people.

We might disagree over what makes someone a hero. I personally think it’s butt-accentuating tights. You might think a hero is someone who has the ability to blog about heroes wearing butt-accentuating tights while simultaneously watching The Voice without pouring cement in one’s ears.

You might be onto something, although I’m not sure because someone is shrieking into a microphone and it’s hard to concentrate. That is some voice.

But I think we can all agree that the act of heroism is elevated by the right product placement.

Take our latest hero who went against the grain by not donning a cape. Instead he used a handful of “cheese”-flavored Pringles to fight crime. He is Snackman.

I learned about him from the Today show where Matt Lauer is paid tens of millions of dollars to explain it all. It wasn’t Matt doing the story, but rather one of the female anchors who kept trying to get Snackman to “pop off” his shirt. She would make a great Awkwardwoman because this exchange could not be more awkward.

Snackman diffused a fight on a New York City subway by getting between the kicking legs of a man and woman, all the while never breaking his stride of munching on his stack of Pringles. Did the dried potato flakes have something to do with Snackman’s heroism? Or maybe it was the Pringle man’s pristine mustache? Or the buckets and buckets of salt? Who knows?

In fact, according to Awkwardwoman, Snackman has approached Pringles about possibly getting some kind of endorsement deal. “Next time we’ll get you to pop that top!” she cackles and cackles.

Please, please stop.

He left with a gift basket of Pringles, and he carried it very heroically.

Wouldn’t it be great if other heroes did the same?  Not carry Pringles baskets, but sought out advertisers. Like, maybe it would make history less dullsville and more wowsville.

Take Paul Revere. Booorrrrriiinnnnnggg. He rode a horse and bellowed about the British coming, which–granted–was important information. But what if he also could have let the general non-Loyalist public know about some outstanding solutions to their dilemma of what to serve for dinner?

Just think if he had to deliver those pizzas in a 30-minute window? Pretty freakin’ heroic.

Or George Washington. He had shitty teeth. I could forgive that if he crossed the Delaware with his fingertips caked in Cheetos’ dust.

Or Harriet Tubman. She was pretty bad ass, but wouldn’t it have been awesome if she shared some tips on how she evaded slavecatchers?

Or take Lincoln. What the frick does that Gettysburg Address even mean, yo? I don’t care, because now he looks like a dude who could just hang and play hackysack.

See, don’t they seem so much more hero-y?

Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I see things different because I’ve added fiber to my diet and now I can shit with the best of them.

I’m Speaker7, and I fight crime with Metamucil.

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Multiple Onions of the News

Lots of news today, people. Lots of news. I don’t even know how to describe it. Today’s news was so exciting it was as if the Hindenburg crashed into the Titanic or George Washington crossed the Delaware right up onto the beaches of Normandy or Snooki crashed into the Hindenburg right after giving birth to Charlie Sheen’s baby whom they named Washington Titanic.

Who can describe it? Who can take our hands and lead us from the darkness into the light? Who can segue quickly from a segment on Rick Santorum to a segment on the best bidets?

The Today show of course.

Okay first big story: The never-ending  war in Afghanistan. Sorry, I misheard that. I was crunching loudly on my morning bag of Cheetos Flamin’ Hot Ass Explosion®.

Let’s try this again. Octomom, the woman/octopus hybrid, is on public assistance. Matt Lauer is interviewing her and is wearing glasses so we know this is serious bizness.

“Good to have you with us,” he says.

“Hi. Thank you to have me,” she answers.

Uh-oh. I was thinking the fluttering of eyelashes and the making of faces during the 10-15 promos of Octomom was just Octomom being playful, but now I’m thinking she’s on something or about to envelope Matt in a thick cloud of black ink.

“A lot of people are angry about this decision to go on assistance,” Matt says.

Who are these people? Because they sound great.

“I’m sad. I’m just a horribly sad, horribly disfigured person, and you–meaning the media–love it. It gives you the chance to publicly shame somehow who so obviously needs mental health assistance.  Instead of giving me the help I need by ignoring me,  you parade me around like we’re at the Victorian freak show,” Octomom answers. “Oh and I took this picture for a magazine because I love my children.”

“Please chronicle the daily humiliations that encompass your life so I can masturbate and people at home can feel superior even while eating pink slime and arsenic-ladened chicken,” Matt says.

“It would take 14 books–do you hear that publishers–14 books to go through all the multiple onions of my life,” she says.

Well said.

The news just keeps getting newsier with the next piece on a turnip who wrote on article entitled There are Downsides to being this Pretty” or “See, I can ignite a media firestorm. Book deal, please.”

The article includes many pictures. Like this one:

I’d tap that root (Do you see what I did there? The turnip forms from a tap root. There are downsides to being this clever).

Everyone is pissed and, the staff of the Today show was even talking about it, gurgles Ann Curry who adds “I’m so way prettier than her.”

Some people are like: ugly, ugly, ugly, boo. Some people are like: you go turnip, yay!

“I’ve gotten thousands of vile messages on Twitter,” the turnip states. She does not say how many books that translates into.

I guess there are not as many multiple turnips to her life.

History is for the Turds

Historians can be so mean, you guys. Like you’re doing your thing, you’re founding your country and setting up your laws to benefit people who look exactly like you, and then some dork loser historian keeps writing about how you owned like 300 or something slaves during that time period, and you’re like, “Hey, that’s mean!! Take that back.” And the dork loser historian is like “Make me, dick.” And you’re like “Well, I can’t jerk because I’m dead.” And the dork loser historian is like “You snooze you lose.” And you’re all like “What does that even mean!?! God, I HATE you!!” And then you cry into your pillow until your ivory teeth fall out and you eventually pass out.

I imagine that is what the ghost of George Washington does every day knowing that some dork loser historian wrote in some even dorkier, loser history book about his slave-owning ways.

Isn’t there something we can do to stop George Washington’s pain, you guys? I mean, it like sucks, right?

I know! Let’s, like, take all references to slaves and slavery out of the history books! Slavery was so blech, you guys. It’s like such a downer. Do you think anyone would even miss it? No way.

Oh wow! I wasn’t the first to broach this kickass idea. The Tennessee Tea Party presented a list of five legislative priorities to the state government, and one demands the removal of any reference to any slave-owning done by any Founding Father including Thomas Jefferson, who was a real founding father, if you know what I mean. You don’t? I mean this.

Tennessee Tea Party Leader Hal Rounds thinks any mention of this is “race-baiting.” Exposing the Founding Fathers’ love of owning people disparages them in ways that hurts their feelings, you guys, and it totally needs to stop.  As Hal says:

“(The kids) are being taught (the Founding Fathers) were hypocrites and slave owners and part of the teachings about slavery was that it was inherently cruel.”

I know, like, I’m sure there were times when slavery was inherently fun! Like, maybe one day the slaves were given some extra bread at dinner. I don’t think every day was filled with terror and degradation, right?  Why do we always focus on the negative? And by the way, “White people were whipped too,” Hal says.

Well said.

Or what I mean to say is, well turded, Hal. Your actions have earned you the coveted Turd of the Week™.

And nice shirt.