George W. Bush

Heckuva Turd

One might say criticizing the president for responding too quickly to Hurricane Sandy is partisan hackery at its best.

But when that critic is the poster child of one of the most botched relief efforts in recent U.S. history, that critic floats to the level of turd superstar, otherwise known as Turd of the Week™.

Michael “heckuva job, Brownie” Brown took Obama to task for holding a press conference the day before the storm hit.

Apparently it’s way better to deal with the mess after it happens. The Bush Administration waited a good amount of time before noticing much of the Gulf Coast was underwater from Hurricane Katrina in August 2005. In fact the day after the levees fell in New Orleans, President Bush was quoted as saying “New Orleans dodged a bullet.” Once they realized things were grim, they responded by not responding. Brown, a former supervisor of horse judges and then current head of the Federal Emergency Management Agency, “led” the relief effort.

Two weeks later, Brown resigned in disgrace.

In the storm’s aftermath, Brown, like much of Louisiana, seemed to be in over his head.

On the day Katrina made landfall, Brown was busy typing “funny” emails to staff, like:

“Can I quit now? Can I go home?” (2005 Speaker7’s reply: Yes, and take the entire Bush Administration with you.)

And emails about FEMA attire:

At the Congressional hearings on Katrina a year later, Brown pointed the finger-of-blame at everyone including a little boy scout who was visiting the Capitol for the first time ever after selling the most popcorn balls in his troop. When members of Congress demanded he admit his culpability in the colossal fuckery, he yelled like a two-year-old.

So it makes sense that Brownie should ever speak anything about someone else’s heckuva job since he knows exactly how disaster relief shouldn’t unfold.

Or what I meant to write is it makes sense that he won my weekly turd award because…cheese and crackers, Michael Brown, why the flipping hell do you think anyone wants to hear your take on this?

Turd.

Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). This is the third post. It is a post about turds. There may be many more due to the overabundance of turds. Would you like to read about something other than turds this month? Then leave a suggestion in the comments. 

Forget Your Daily Forecast

Things are bleak man.

More children are living in poverty. The unemployed are staying unemployed for longer durations. Kate Plus 8 has been canceled, which will contribute to eight more children living in poverty and one more adult qualifying for unemployment.

But the real reason I’m saying “things are bleak man” is that the horoscope has even become godawful depressing. I don’t normally read my horoscope mainly because I don’t believe every human born within the same month share the same qualities.

Like take Harriet Tubman, a woman who risked her life for freedom and risked it again and again so others could be free. She was a spy in the Civil War and the first female to lead a raid against an enemy camp. She was a Pisces. So is John Stossel. He has a show on Fox News and is known for whining the phrase “Give me a break.” He is a douche.

Or take Mother Teresa who devoted her life to helping the poor and sick in India. She was a Virgo. So is Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil makes his money exploiting the bewildered. And is a giant-headed turd. So is Dr. Drew Pinsky. He’s a Virgo, I mean. His head is normal-sized, and he is a bespectacled turd. And he makes his money exploiting the bewildered who once had some semblance of fame if you consider porn and reality TV as legitimate entertainment careers.

So I don’t put much faith into astrological signs. I’m a Scorpio. So is John Boehner. And Charles Manson. My father and George W. Bush were born on the same day in the same year so they should be pretty similar. Yet my father is actually competent in his job. And he did not fabricate evidence to start an unnecessary war and then later say his most regrettable moment in his presidency was when Kanye West said my father didn’t care about black people. At least I don’t think that happened to him. I will ask him tomorrow and post an editor’s note if I am mistaken.

I know, I know, George W. Bush jokes are sooooo 2008. But I’m a little off today, and my horoscope said I would be. My horoscope told me a big urgent responsibility (i.e. writing my next blog post) that I’d been artfully dodging in hopes that someone else would do it (i.e., Les from Best Bathroom Books, Nancy from Not Quite Old), would be dumped in my lap. And–get this–Me and my lap asked for it. Like, what the &**!^&$#@! horoscope. That is really hostile.

So I checked out the other signs and they were equally belligerent, accusatory and critical.

“If you refuse to go along with the majority, you are likely to create a lot of unnecessary dissension” – Better conform, you goddamn Sagittarius. Don’t be thinking for yourself.

“If you are too indecisive, someone else will make the big decision. Don’t blame them if you don’t like their choice” you $%$!$% spineless piece o’ crap Libra.

“You should take extra precautions when working with tools or materials that you are unfamiliar with” because, frankly Taurus, you are a dumbass and will likely lop off your own head.

And on and on it goes–all bleak.

I’m expecting tomorrow’s will be something like “The zombie apocalypse is upon you.”

I’ll make sure I don’t have any Tauruses with me.

A Fish Wrapped in Newspaper… Just for You

This month, Mr. Speaker7 and I will celebrate our wedding anniversary. Eight years….eight, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long years. From what I understand, on the first anniversary, one bestows a gift of paper. The second, a rock followed by scissors on the third and so on and so on until the eighth, which is a fish wrapped in newspaper (reference: Martha Stewart Weddings). But I decided that my eighth anniversary gift will be a gift to you readers. Clearly I have a good handle on marriage because a) I’m still married and b) I’m not divorced.

Just look at this picture of wedded bliss:

Wedded Bliss

The high-fiving of hands is the #5 sign of wedded bliss.

I want you all to learn from my success so one day, you too can write a blog post heralding your successful marriage to my husband.  Here are eight tips for having a successful marriage:

1. Don’t marry someone who sucks. Many people make this classic rookie mistake (reference: Bridezillas). You date someone for awhile, you hate him/her and then you get this idea that you will hate him/her less if you legally bind yourself to him/her for all eternity.

2. Strive for honesty. I say strive because we all have to lie to our spouses at some time. Do you think my saddlebags make me unattractive? Nope, in fact I’d like them bigger. Is my blog funny? Yes, yes it is. You didn’t laugh when I forced you to read my latest entry. I was laughing on the inside. What does that mean? Your saddlebags look really good today.

3. Don’t be that person who says your marriage works because you’re always right and then titter because that’s so original. Have you ever taken a good gander at the people who believe they are never wrong? It’s “people” like Nancy Grace, Dr. Phil and George W. Bush. Yeah, those people are the worst.

4. Please, oh please, for the love of christ, do not put your marital woes as your status update on Facebook. There is a good chance that your spouse is a Facebook friend or if not (why isn’t your spouse your Facebook friend? that’s wrong, man) has mutual friends, and will not enjoy reading “I want to divorce _____ so much right now” and seeing that you changed your relationship status to single. And then your mutual friends and family see this and begin to comment worryingly under your update, and now it’s really hard to explain that you’re mad because your spouse ate all of the Klondike bars and you were really looking forward to one after a long day at the fishhook factory. So since that makes you look petty, you end up filing for divorce, which was truly something you would not do for Klondike bar, but in this case you did.

5. Oh my god, do I really have to say this?..do not, I repeat, do not take a picture of your genitals and send it to someone you met on the Internet. Now men, I’m going to address you now because I don’t know of many stories about women getting into a serious pickle for photographing their vaginas (yes Oprah, I’m using the word vagina. I am empowered). There is no woman alive who wants to see that. No woman. If some special Internet friend is asking to see that, s/he (always he) is likely working for Perverted Justice. On a sidenote, isn’t that just about the worst name in the world. Are they saying the only justice they dish out is perverted? They should call it what it is…a total sham.

6. Make sure your sentences have verbs. I stole this from Dr. Phil’s “A Good Marriage” advice column. I wasn’t aware that people really had a problem with this, but I’m putting it just in case you leaving notes for your spouse that read like this: I with your best friend. I home late. I you.

7. Don’t fall in love with Edward Cullen/Jacob Werewolf (I’m too lazy to look up his last name) from the Twilight series. Don’t lament that your spouse’s eyes aren’t topaz or that his arms aren’t made of marble or that he doesn’t sparkle in sunlight or that he doesn’t imprint on fetuses (I’m not getting into this part, if you want to know what it means look it up online) or doesn’t eat live chickens or doesn’t write the most boring books of all time….Don’t be these people.

8. Do not take advice from people who claim they have the key to a successful marriage. They always have no idea what they’re talking about.