gender stereotypes

Yahoo! Shit

Because I am a lady living a lady’s lifestyle with my lady brain, I read Yahoo! Shine religiously.*

For the uninitiated, Yahoo Shine is an especially shiny part of Yahoo that shines the light on the stuff that womenfolk care about like fat cells and man-trapping.

Before I began reading, I thought the key to trapping a man was stuffing him in the folds of my fat, but Yahoo! Shine pointed me in the right direction.

mantrap

In the Yahoo! Shine world, life is like an episode of According to Jim combined with a Cathy comic strip. It’s that good.**

For instance did you know that there are seven questions every guy wishes you’d ask him? Seriously. Every fucking guy in the whole world, and that includes the Ayatollah Khomeini, Ryan Seacrest and Hitler’s corpse. So do the guys a favor, ladies, and ask them these questions today.

1. Question 1

The first one has to do with our weight because that is a complex that is ingrained in   every gal’s DNA. I distinctly remember at three months telling my mom to cool it on the formula because I was getting a serious case of thunder thighs.

babyfat

Now gals instead of asking “Societal expectations of women’s bodies were created by a fucking crazy person so therefore I’m asking this question because this has been beaten into my head with a claw hammer, and that’s why I’m planking by the dinner table rather than eating so to make a long story short….do I look fat?” you should ask “Sweetie, what do I look best in?” This is obviously your guy’s decision because you need to concentrate on reducing your vaginal fat.

2. Oh my god fellas, don’t them ladies like to yammer after you’ve done stuck your Excalibur in them? Just talk talk talk talk talk…wouldn’t it be great if they would just act like the objects they are and shut the fuck up? So basically the question EVERY guy, including Papa Smurf, wants to hear is “Do you mind if we just lie here and not talk?”

sexytimes

3. Every guy loves sports. Every goddamn one. If your guy doesn’t than he must immediately turn in his guy card and become a woman or a shrub, it’s his pick because the third question every guy–and I mean every guy even Bashar al-Assad–wants to hear is “I have some tickets to some sporting event where guys bash into one another so hard they get concussions that later lead to lasting brain damage, do you want to go?”

sportsman

4. Ladies, for god’s sakes, I hope you are not even thinking about expressing your interests because that is about as enticing as genital freezer burn. The menfolk and I mean every manfolk including the Dalai Lama wants you to ask “Oooh I’m into only your shit and because you’re a guy it’s either a movie with explosions or a movie with boobs or a movie with exploding boobs so do you want to see that Katy Perry documentary?”

dalailama

7. I think we’re at question 7 because I am female after all and do not know math. So this one has all to do with the one with the vagina leaving with all the rugrats that came out of said vagina and the man free to do his man things in his man cave like measure his penis and discover fire. The question is something like “Hey can I pack up the kids and leave and you can reenact some Fatal Attraction fantasy only without the boiled rabbit?”

fatalattraction

Knowledge!

*This is only true when I’m participating in NaBloWriMo and run out of things to write about after day 2.

**At this point, after writing for seven consecutive days in a row, I no longer know what words mean. “Good” means “shit sandwich”, right?

Even though she knows this is a turn-off, Speaker7 wants to know if she looks fat while writing this post. Speaker7 is writing daily during this month as part of the Nano Poblano team.

The Dalai Lama of Douchery

I look fat.

Shit! I just turned off all the guys who were reading this. Did I learn nothing from Josh Aiello’s seminal article “3 Words He Never Wants To Hear You Say?”

Josh decided to share his infinite wisdom about lady diarrhea-mouth with Yahoo!Shine, a women’s site about all things ladies like lipstick, turkey basters and weak upper arms. Yahoo!Shine was created by mixing three parts Mountain Dew, two parts Massengill and five parts bottomless sadness.

According to Josh, a woman’s…oh excuse me…a girl’s lament about her bulk is the equivalent of a dude cutting off someone’s head times 10. Let him explain:

“To guys, these words are the Holy Grail of annoying things girls say, the abracada bra of instantaneous mood killers. . .”

That is some good analogying. It’s like the King Turd of nonsensical analogies.

I envision Josh looks like this:

douche

Now you may be thinking, how does Josh know these are the three worst words a woman can say? Wouldn’t  “I love Hitler” or “Equal pay now” or “I hate your writing” (I know that’s four, but my brain is fat) be worse?

Josh did some scientific analysis of this phenomenon by interviewing his wolf pack at Buffalo Wild Wings.

Adam, or A-dawg as I like to call him, says it’s like a downer because if she’s talking, she’s unable to continue the blowjob. “She’s either fishing for compliments, she doesn’t like herself, or she actually has gained weight. . .”

Total boner killer

I mean, jesus christ, girls, you with your body issues, which are in no way the fault of a culture and media that value women for their looks and boobies. You are almost distracting me from reading the latest Us Weekly on whose body is definitely not beach-ready.

Adam is this brah by the way:

adawg

And the guy is helpless because once you say it, all he can see is your fat mouth spitting out fat words in between crumbs of Entenmann’s. Let Josh set the scene:

 I once dated a really pretty girl who was convinced she was overweight. She told me she thought she was fat so often that when my parents came to visit, I didn’t introduce her to them. Why? Because I doubted whether what I saw when I looked at her was what other, more objective people saw.

Wow. Such a powerful story and what an amazing act of courage. It reminds me of the story of Harriet Tubman when she finally decided to make her escape from slavery. Harriet knew it was only a matter of time she would be sold away from her family and husband John. She tried to get John to go with her. “I won’t go with you Harriet,” he said bravely. “You look really fat right now.” Courage.

So what’s a lassie to do?

douchewisdomProgress.

Incidentally the three words I would never want to hear from Josh are these:

“I got published.”