funyuns

Forever Immobilized in Fleece

Some people want to be forever remembered or forever relevant.

I want to be forever lazy, and lucky me, there exists an outfit to help me reach my goal.

It is called Forever Lazy®. I had not known of its existence until this morning when I was watching TV. Before I had been too lazy to even turn the television on..I had to focus all my energy on lifting and lowering the spoon into a trough of ice cream.

This will be you. This will be all of us:

 

After the 20 minutes it took for the message to meander lazily to my brain, I learned that I could encase my entire body in breathable fleece. Wrestling with blankets to find the remote or cover all parts of my body would be a thing of the past, and I could focus my attention on zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Sorry I fell asleep for a second and my face landed on the “z” button.

I learned that the colors are “stylish” like gray and black. I learned that it came in all sizes from large to blue whale. I learned that I could keep my hands free for such activities as raiding the refrigerator of all Crisco and Heinz-balsamic-vinegar-ketchup products, looking up porn on the Internet and eating a Crisco-Heinz-balsamic-vinegar-ketchup sundae while watching downloaded porn.

I feel that this invention is up there with the printing press, lightbulb and Paris Hilton in terms of how it will revolutionize life as we know it. We are now this close (put your thumb and index finger about a tenth of an inch away. You can do this because your Forever Lazy® keeps your hands free. If you are too lazy to hold up your hand, try to get someone else to do it for you like maybe a parakeet or a baby) to being the humans in Wall-E. I tell you the only thing that gets me moving now is when I’m wrestling with a blanket over who wore an outfit better in the latest edition of US Weekly.

Once you move the refrigerator into the living room, there will never be another reason to get up off the couch ever.

Whoa, wait a sec there Speaker7. What about if I have to go number 1 or number 2 or really in my case number 8 because I just ate a case of Funyuns doused in Heinz balsamic vinegar ketchup?

Didn’t you watch the commercial?

Nah, I was too lazy to even read your blog. I’m having my trained baby parakeet type this for me.

Forever Lazy® has zippered hatches located in the front and back waste-voiding regions. Just unzip the hatch, slip an empty Funyun bag under the appropriate orifice and evacuate waste freely into it.

Order now and you can also get fleece footies, a neck pillow and bedsores!

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