Fox and Friends

Keep the Strange

Holy turdballs!

There are times when one is faced with adversity, and one has to summon the strength to overcome it and be the better for it.

This is not one of those times.

Countrysinger Hank Williams Jr. is mad at ESPN and Fox & Friends because they’re turded all over his freedoms such as his freedom to be paid millions in licensing fees for screaming “Are you ready for some football!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” before the weekly Monday Night football snoozefest. His voice’s ouster resulted from his saying on Fox & Assorted Imbeciles that Obama’s golf outing with the orange-hued John Boehner is like Hitler playing golf with an oompa loompa from the 1971 classic film Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory:

What’s a millionaire to do except write the worst song in the history of civilization?

I downloaded this song.

My life will never the be the same.

I repeatedly listened to Keep the Change in order to write this blog post. My ears feel violated as if Hitler used them as his golf tees in his friendly game with Netanyahu.

In the first and second verses, Bocefus lists all of the freedoms he will keep such as:

1. his freedom

2. his guns

3. his money

4. his religion

5. his job

6. his smile

7. his Christian name

8. his heroes’ pictures on the wall

9. his family’s safety

10. his freedom to call your bluff

11. his big V8(??)

12. his friends

13. his right to keep the government out of his business

14. his turdishly awful songwriting “ability”

But you know what the rest of y’all can do? Y’all can keep the change.

Oh dear mother of horrible songwriting. It’s just, it’s just soooooo not good. It makes Rebecca Black’s Friday sound like Un bel di from Madame Butterfly.

Now I saw a video on Youtube of Hank singing these same exact words from a venue in 2009 so this feels a bit Candle-in-the-Windesque. But there is a new third verse, which is just killer:

“So ‘Fox and Friends’ / Wanna put me down / Ask for my opinion / Then twist it all around / Supposed to be talking about my father’s new CD / Well two can play that gotcha game, just wait and see / Don’t tread on me”

The chorus is just how the country is now socialist and going down the drain.

You can download the song for free on Hank’s website, which seems a bit socialist if you ask me. It’s like Karl Marx writing a song with Hitler to sing on Socialist American Idol (premiering Jan. 3 on Fox).

Because his freedoms are being stymied, Hank appeared to give his point of view on The Irrelevant Yapping Show. You may also know this as The View.

Hank has one of the flapping heads read from a dictionary. He says the golf game was a bunch of politicians “juking.” He says “Mickey’s a mean mouse” (Disney owns ESPN and The View because corporate control of all media is so freedomy). He likes this Mickey and points to the name Mantle on the back of his Yankees shirt. All the while the flapping heads talk over him. This appearance was very, very strange.

And you know what y’all can do?

Y’all can keep the strange.

House Hunting :)

So Mr. Speaker7 and I are looking at buying a new house. I say “new,” but it is a house other people previously and currently live in. I remember Teresa Guidice from the Real Housewives of Chemical Taint saying in an episode that buying a used house was gross, and that’s why she was building a new house that became really ungross when it was foreclosed upon by the bank.

This is really an exciting time to be taking on a huge financial investment. Interest rates are historically low, sellers, like Guidice, are desperate to unload houses at a loss–it’s a buyer’s market.

But still it’s always good to make a pro/con list before agreeing to give up three internal organs in your mortgage agreement.

PRO – Public employees, ah yeah!

Mr. Speaker7 and I are public employees, a group of workers that is saluted daily by politicians, tea aficionados, and lighthearted news personalities. Hello, job security!! I remember that teacher parade thrown by Gov. Scott Walker of Wisconsin where Walker shredded the contract giving bargaining rights and used it as confetti. While we are responsible for the 2008 recession by somehow taking over the bodies of Wall Street traders and bankers and making unsustainable loans and causing giant banks to collapse, we are being rewarded by getting the chance to do more work and make less money or do no work at all.

PRO – Corporate profits are up

If you didn’t know, it’s really good when corporations get out of paying taxes or pay less in taxes because it somehow trickles down to the rest of us. Corporations are the job-creators so when they make huge profits, they create jobs in the form of huge bonuses to their CEOs. And corporate profits are really, really big, like, a CEO could lose a wallet filled with $3 million and not even care that it fell out of his solid-gold coat when he purchased Greece as a vacation home. So that trickle of olive oil is coming any day now…any day now… any day now…wait for it….

PRO – the next POTUS is going to be so awesome

So Barack Obama could win reelection or one of those people who remind me of Garbage Pail Kids could win–either way it’s going to be pretty sweet. Barack Obama says nice stuff about the regular folks, which makes it more palatable when the retirement age is moved to 95 in the next debt ceiling debate. Those other people seem really, really good and they eat corn dogs at the Iowa State Fair all the while making sure regular Americans have the same steady work as that carny operating the Crazy Plane ride.

PRO – the recession is over

I saw that somewhere, maybe on Fox and Friends or Spongebob Squarepants, some person was saying that the recession of 2008 ended sometime, like maybe this past Friday. I don’t know for sure because I was real busy that Friday deciding if I should kick it in the front seat or sit in the back seat–seriously which seat should I take? So the recession is over, put away your cans of Fancy Feast, put another wad of newspaper in the barrel fire and dance around your hobo tent.

CON – moving sucks

That really is just basically it. I would totally buy that house especially with all those pros, but moving just sucks a giant snowball.