forever lazy

The New Phone Book’s Here! The New Phone Book’s Here!

I have won an award.

I would like to quote the immortal words of another award winner to express my gratitude:

“Really poor children, in really poor neighborhoods have no habits of working and have nobody around them who works. So they literally have no habit of showing up on Monday. They have no habit of staying all day, they have no habit of I do this and you give me cash unless it’s illegal.”

Newt Gingrich said these words while accepting the World’s Biggest Humanitarian Award.

I’m sorry, I misread that. It was the BDFWTSDL Award or the Biggest Dick Figuratively with the Smallest Dick Literally Award.

Emma Burcart bestowed the Liebster Blog award upon my bloggy head. She was unsure of the meaning of the German word, and mistakenly thought it meant a lobster dinner with Liam Neeson. Little did she know that I happen to be quite the German scholar, or a weiner schnitzel as they spreck in Donnie Deutsch. I took four–entschuldigung Sie bitte–viere Jahre in high schule and know from my intensive studiching that Liebster means “ham steak.”

I would like to say danke to Emma for the support and very nice comments. She has said she’s actually drooled when reading this blog. My secret is dousing myself in Axe body spray before I write since commercials tells me this will cause people to go wild, and I never doubt the veracity of commercials.

There is a Liebster Blog criteria to follow.

Evening wear is first:

Shoo-in. Yes, not at all creepy…looks really, really…um….pretty. Yup.

Followed by swimsuit and talent.  My talent is my swimsuit.

Evidence:

Am I the only one thinking this looks a tad Michael Jacksonesque?

And lastly onstage questions.

If you can change one thing in the world, what would it be?

I would spell Sunday as Sundae and then I would eat a Sunday because that would have to be changed from Sundae to Sunday.

How would you resolve the conflict in the Middle East?

Yes.

What cutbacks have you had to make resulting from the recession?

I no longer put Craisins in my cereal. Instead I use orphan tears.

I win:

There she is…..wait, what is that?

I’ve just been informed that all this pageantry was for naught, and that I should be recognizing five other newish bloggers rather than dolling myself up to look like Michael Myers to win competitions that only exist in my mind.

It is hard to narrow down to five because there are many that I like, but if I don’t do this I won’t get to fill my mouth with ham steak or Liebster.

Here are bloggers that would score well in evening wear and/or talent swimwear:

Angie Z of Childhood Relived – In a way I am giving the award to myself because we have yet to determine whether or not we are each other alter egos. The one difference is her photographic memory of everything from her childhood (or my childhood?), which makes her blog standout. That and her talent swimwear, which manifests itself in incredibly smart and funny writing. She reminds me of David Sedaris especially in couture

Les of Best Bathroom Books – Judging by the name, one would assume Les writes about bodily functions, and that is true. But it’s in an incredibly smart way not an Adam-Sandler-I-Just-Shat-This-Script-Out-Of-My-Ass-To-Add-Another-Billion-To-My-Pile-Of-Money kind of way. His blog also contains some of the sharpest social commentary I’ve seen, kinda in the style of George Carlin. His talent swimwear is understanding the importance of dress codes.

Patrick and Gilly of It Happens Every Day – I should mention that I was briefly married to Gilly for 72 hours and Patrick is the top apostle in Speaker7ism so this may seem like nepotism, but they were chosen because their blog is a great representation of the stuff that happens every day, e.g.,  non-stop Skyrim playing, no-shaving competitions, stripper polls, Yankee candle pilgrimages–you know, every day stuff.

Nancy of Not Quite Old – I’ve been following Nancy pretty much since wordpress birthed me into existence. She has the amazing ability to write a hilariously meandering post one day and a charming, touching post the next.

Jo Eberhardt of the Happy Logophile– Logophile, I believe is a German word, for someone who files logos. Amazingly her blog transcends that hobby and is a great mix of posts on writing and general absurdities.

There are many other bloggers I love to read, but as I said the ham steak has limited me to five because more can cause bloat. These other fantastic bloggers are listed in my blogroll.

Oh, and I’m suppose to post the award. I changed it a little to accurately reflect the meaning of the word.

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Vultures are AMAZING.

While I roast some chestnuts on the fire and move the pieces of the Nativity scene around so that Mary is lying down because she just had a baby for cripes sake, I ponder what Christmas means to me.

I quickly become bored and open up my laptop and check Facebook where I discover what one of my “friends” thinks about Christmas.

There are many things that confuse me about this status update. First, why did I read the whole thing and then take a screen shot of it? And B, was Santa Claus, Rudolph and those Coke-swilling polar bears at Jesus’s birth? And second, does it really bother you when some underpaid, abused retail clerk mumbles “Happy Holidays” rather than making the sign of the cross and saying “HO HO HO Merry Christmas. . . is that what’s really ruining the holiday, not the people who pepper spray other people for a $2.95 Forever Lazy®? And lastly, why are you yelling? The yelling hurts my eyeballs.

Believe me, I would totally be on the same page with you if sh*t was going down like it did when Nero was Roman emperor, and Christians were torn apart by dogs and set on fire. That is some hardcore persecution right there. But this? Some person ringing up your FisherPrice Imaginext 2 Foot Dragon World Fortress™ at the local dollar store, mumbling “Happy Holidays” as s/he tries to avoid getting cancer from exposure to the products made out of asbestos and arsenic?  I don’t think your “persecution” is going to land you on the Christian martyr list.

Here’s the thing, “friend.” You can scream or write in caps lock “Merry Christmas” until your lungs burst or you have carpal tunnel and no one will really give a mistletoe sprig (well unless it’s at 4:30 a.m., but that’s why noise ordinances are enacted). That is because in America–for now–you are free to practice or not practice any religion you want. I don’t know if things will change now that the U.S. Senate has voted to allow the military to arrest Americans and detain them indefinitely.

Merry Christmas.

But as it stands if I want to practice the religion of Speaker7ism where I believe Speaker7 is omniscient and omnipresent then praise be to Speaker7.

Now I am by no means a history scholar, but I’ve been able to cobble together some knowledge from Snapple bottle caps, Chinese restaurant menus and the labels on Molson Canadian Light. I have learned that vultures can fly for six hours without flapping their wings and that the founding fathers did not want to repeat the problems in England by creating a state-sponsored religion. It never seems to go well for the people in the religious minority.

Really no one can take your belief away from you unless you let them. And your belief should be that Speaker7 is the light and the way.

Or else.

I’ve Come to the Conclusion that I Hate Myself

Maybe hate is too strong a word…I guess I loathe myself. Here is my proof: I’m in the kitchen, pouring my 11th cup of coffee when my husband calls to me “Donnie Deutsch is up next on the Today show” and my response is “I guess I should watch.”

I guess I should watch because I loathe myself. The first time I saw Donnie Deutsch, I was a Donnie Deutsch newbie (I was originally going to type virgin, but I could not stop dry heaving) so I really had no idea what to expect. I mean, it was the fourth hour of the Today show so it was destined to be awful, but I had no idea how incomprehensibly awful.

Lifeintheboomerlane actually googled Donnie Deutsch, found out his first name is spelled with a “y” and viewed a picture of him in a speedo. I am presently taking up a collection to pay for the many hours of therapy she now needs.

She discovered he is a “TV personality” whatever that is, but today he is a Today “professional.”(???)

Matt Lauer–not wearing glasses, but holding them in his hand, which still gives the appearance of intelligence–interviewed three Today professionals (???) about the “latest headlines and trends.”

Matt first asks: “What is with this latest trend of demeaning the word ‘professional’ by labeling total morons as professionals?”

No, I’m sorry that wasn’t the first question.

It was “Black Friday starts on Thursday? Whas up, dawgs?” (I’m paraphrasing)

Donnie answers: “You know, I’m so tired of people blaming the media for destroying things guess what if you don’t want to go to a store on Thanksgiving don’t go I mean by the way everything is supply and demand if consumers didn’t demand that we wouldn’t do it but I’m so tired of the media causes are destroying the holiday don’t go to the store.”

That was a very professional answer.

Matt’s all like “dude, what about the people who have to work at these retail establishments? They have to leave their families on Thanksgiving Day and deal with the PTSD that comes from watching people get trampled by other people desperate to purchase a Forever Lazy® for under $4.”

Donnie replies: “Guess what guess what guess what I think of the millions unemployed, I think a lot of people would be thankful to work on Thanksgiving unfortunately.”

I wonder how many of those millions wish they could make a lot of money being a TV personality with no discernible talent.

Hold the presses. Republican presidential front runner Newt Gingrich said something awful. To read about how totally awesome Newt Gingrich is, check out Best Bathroom Books.

Here’s what he said: “You say to somebody you shouldn’t work before you’re what, 14, 16 years of age, fine. You’re totally poor. You’re in a school that is failing with a teacher that (sic) is failing. I’ve tried for years to have a very simple model. Most of these school ought to get rid of the unionized janitors, have one master janitor and pay local students to take care of the school. The kids would actually do work, they would have cash, they would have pride in the schools, they’d begin the process of rising.”

Child labor laws are like soooo 1930s. Child labor is good for the soul.

Donnie says this: “Newt Gingrich. I think what he forgot is being a janitor is not a simple thing, it’s chemicals it’s HVAC.”

Dear Newt:

When Donnie Deutsch makes more sense than you, it’s time to hang it up.

With much love,

Speaker7

News alert: It’s the end of the ’50s male, according to Matt Lauer. I have no idea what that means, but apparently lots of men said it was okay if their wives or partners were the family breadwinners. “Is this enlightment,” Matt asks, gripping his glasses very tightly. “Or a sign of the economic times?”

“I’ll tell you why right now the latter point that Matt made these times are so dire that I think a lot of men of hey wherever it comes from having said that I want to be the main breadwinner in my family maybe that makes me insecure or what not as a man, but I think if we took the survey 5 years ago, we’d have a different answer,” screeches Donnie.

One of the other professionals, Starr Jones, said “God told Adam to go to work. . . it’s something innate in a man.” God also was pissed when Onan ejaculated into the ground rather than into his brother’s wife so make of that what you will.

Matt finally gets to the burning issue: Turkey or stuffing?

“Stuffing,” Donnie professionally replies, “Because there’s turkey all year round stuffing separates it.”

I was right the first time: I hate myself.

 

 

 

 

Forever Immobilized in Fleece

Some people want to be forever remembered or forever relevant.

I want to be forever lazy, and lucky me, there exists an outfit to help me reach my goal.

It is called Forever Lazy®. I had not known of its existence until this morning when I was watching TV. Before I had been too lazy to even turn the television on..I had to focus all my energy on lifting and lowering the spoon into a trough of ice cream.

This will be you. This will be all of us:

 

After the 20 minutes it took for the message to meander lazily to my brain, I learned that I could encase my entire body in breathable fleece. Wrestling with blankets to find the remote or cover all parts of my body would be a thing of the past, and I could focus my attention on zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Sorry I fell asleep for a second and my face landed on the “z” button.

I learned that the colors are “stylish” like gray and black. I learned that it came in all sizes from large to blue whale. I learned that I could keep my hands free for such activities as raiding the refrigerator of all Crisco and Heinz-balsamic-vinegar-ketchup products, looking up porn on the Internet and eating a Crisco-Heinz-balsamic-vinegar-ketchup sundae while watching downloaded porn.

I feel that this invention is up there with the printing press, lightbulb and Paris Hilton in terms of how it will revolutionize life as we know it. We are now this close (put your thumb and index finger about a tenth of an inch away. You can do this because your Forever Lazy® keeps your hands free. If you are too lazy to hold up your hand, try to get someone else to do it for you like maybe a parakeet or a baby) to being the humans in Wall-E. I tell you the only thing that gets me moving now is when I’m wrestling with a blanket over who wore an outfit better in the latest edition of US Weekly.

Once you move the refrigerator into the living room, there will never be another reason to get up off the couch ever.

Whoa, wait a sec there Speaker7. What about if I have to go number 1 or number 2 or really in my case number 8 because I just ate a case of Funyuns doused in Heinz balsamic vinegar ketchup?

Didn’t you watch the commercial?

Nah, I was too lazy to even read your blog. I’m having my trained baby parakeet type this for me.

Forever Lazy® has zippered hatches located in the front and back waste-voiding regions. Just unzip the hatch, slip an empty Funyun bag under the appropriate orifice and evacuate waste freely into it.

Order now and you can also get fleece footies, a neck pillow and bedsores!