Reason #34 Why I Will Never Visit Florida

Some questions remain about why a naked man on a Miami causeway tried to rip flesh off another man’s face, according to today’s Miami Herald.

I’m not sure…could that headline be a little bit of an understatement? Maybe. One naked guy attacked another naked man on the MacArthur Causeway, and proceeded to chew his face. Passing motorists tried to get him to stop by honking and yelling things like “Stop!” and “What the fuck am I looking at right now? Did I just wander onto the Walking Dead set?”

A police officer arrived and ordered the man off. A passing bicyclist described the scene like this: “The guy just stood, his head up like that, with pieces of flesh in his mouth. And he growled.”

So yes, I think there might be a few questions that need to be answered.

Police theorized that the attacker suffered from cocaine psychosis, which causes the body to bake internally and would explain why he was naked.


But what about the face-eating? I think, and I feel comfortable speaking for the entire world here, we are a little more concerned about the face-eating part. If I passed by a naked person biting into the face of another naked person, my first thought would not be “Oh my god! They’re naked! The horror! I feel shame for them.”

No. It would be more “Oh my god! That guy is eating that guy’s face!?!”

You see? I didn’t even mention the naked part.

The face-eating. Yes, that’s what we would like explained, and please, let it be an explanation that does not use the word “zombie”.

I may be in the minority here, but I am not a fan of zombies. I don’t like the guttural moaning, the dirty fingernails, the shuffling, the human-eating, the decaying flesh. I don’t like how they seem to find each other and then find your house, and they start to swarm around your front window and beat on the glass and you see a mouse scurry out of the mouth of one and you know they’re seconds away from getting inside and you only have a spatula to protect yourself.

See? This looks terrible. And he even has guns. I don’t have guns. I have a spatula, and it’s not even a high-end Williams-Sonoma spatula, it’s a plastic Dollar Store spatula. I’m totally screwed.

I don’t know if I want to wait the requisite six to eight weeks for the attacker’s autopsy report. I’d rather start preparing myself now.

And thus I present Speaker7’s Zombie Apocalypse-avoiding Checklist™*.

1. Purchase high-end pointy spatulas.

2. Never go to Florida.

3. Remain ignorant of everything at all times.

*This works in 98 percent of all emergency situations with the exception of tornadoes. For tornado preparedness change #2 to Never go to Kansas.