end of the world

Tag! You’re it! No I’m It! No you! Aww..I ain’t gonna play anymore.

Janie Has a Blog tagged me a few days ago. She hopes to find out information about me much in the same way biologist tag animals to discover such things as their migratory habits or favorite Real Housewife.

Since I’ve mainly been writing about turds, I thought this would make a nice diversion from my weekly routine, and will do everything in my power to make my answers turd-free (fyi–i am very weak and have very ineffectual power).

This game has rules:

1. You must post the rules.
2. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post and then create eleven new questions to ask the people you’ve tagged.
3. Tag eleven people and link to them on your post.
4. Let them know you’ve tagged them!

Here are the questions Janie asked:

1.) What is your biggest regret in life? Watching the movie Glitter

2.) What makes you angry? Thinking about the regret I feel from watching the movie Glitter.

3.) Are you capable of forgiving and forgetting? I forgot this question and I forgive myself for forgetting. 

4.) What do you consider the biggest fight you’ve ever had in your life? I had just moved from New Jersey to California because my mom got a new job. For some reason this group of guys begin targeting and bullying me. At the school dance, I decided to exact revenge. One of the guys was rolling a joint in the bathroom stall, and I surreptitiously snaked a hose over the top and let the water pour in. The gang caught up with me and almost gave me the beating of my life until they were stopped by the maintenance guy at my apartment complex who turned out to be a martial arts expert. Now that I think about, this is actually a scene from The Karate Kid.

5.) What is the ugliest part of your personality? I say outright lies to sway people to think a certain way…oh, wait I just turned into a politician for a second, sorry about that. My ugliest part of my personality is my giant butt. 

6.) Do you choose to see the best or the worst in people? Why? I’m incapable of seeing anything but turds. 

7.) Do you think other life forms exist in the universe? Yes..proof

8.) If God were to grant you a wish, what would it be? More ketchup

9.) What would you do if a stranger threw a spoon at you? (This happened to me!) Likely nothing at the moment, but I would give that stranger the Turd of the Week™ award.

10.) You are sky diving and you realize that you can’t open your parachute so, in a few moments you are about to die. What do you think would be your last thoughts? I wish I could post this on Facebook. 

11.) What will you do tomorrow? Throw a spoon at a stranger.

Here are the questions for the people I’m tagging

1.) Which member of the Backstreet Boys are you most like?

2.) What did Bruce Jenner do to his face?

3.) Please explain what a Kim Kardashian is and why anyone would know what a Kim Kardashian is?

4.) How doomed are we?

5.) Is Ryan Seacrest a robot or is he something less artificial?

6.) Why isn’t Rush Limbaugh kicked in the nuts daily?

7.) Which religion is correct?

8.) Can you think of someone who is worse than the current slate of Republican presidential candidates?

9.) Why do people enjoy the book Twilight?

10.) What’s up?

11.) How many Academy Awards will Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance win?

Here are the people I’m tagging:

Angie from Childhood Relived

Les from Best Bathroom Books

Life in the Boomer Lane

Becoming Cliche

Man of Errors

Nancy from Not Quite Old

Chris Sheridan of Word Play

Logyexpress

Elyse of Fifty Four and a Half

Lyssapants of Psychobabble

Gilly and Patrick of It Happens Every Day

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We Had a Good Run, America

In a few days, it will be a new year, and some believe this is the year the world ends.

I’m not convinced. I consulted both my box of bones and magic eight ball, and they tell a different story, a story I’m not willing to share so close to Christmas (only 364 shopping days left!).

What is certain, is that America is done. Over. Kaput. Pfffttttttttt……..

Scientific proof:

Even looking at it hurts my ear drums (credit: saddest photographer in the world).

Roads and bridges are falling apart. Our food and products are filled with high fructose corn syrup and plasticized high fructose corn syrup-flavored corn syrup. Our schools are failing, and our children are so morbidly obese, their fingers get mistaken for hot dogs by the pack of wild dogs roaming our foreclosed suburbs. Even truck nutz look more shriveled than ever.

photo credit: world's saddest nutz sackz photographed by the world's second saddest photographer.

We had a good run…..well, except for slavery, Jim Crow, the extermination of the native people, the subjugation of women, stirrup pants, American Idol and celebrities who are famous for sex videos.

That’s it? We’re over just like that? I can change.

I don’t know….I feel like I’ve heard this from you before, America, and then you made me watch Bristol Palin on Dancing with the Stars, Season XXVIICCXXMM.

Give me a second chance.

This is more like your 477th. I’m still pissed about this:

Okay, here are a few things you can do to clean up your act. Consider them your New Year’s resolutions:

1. Fix shit. Remember how Wall Street f***** you over and made billions while everything crumbled? Still happening. Unlike you, they don’t want to change….ever.

2. Refuse to let John Boehner be a congressman until he does something about the orange hue of his skin and his incessant crying. Oh, and his horrible awful vomit-inducing grand-standing and scorched-earth policies. . . I’m amending this to refuse to let nearly every politician be an elected representative, and advocate for the election of Sesame Street muppets in their place.

3. Immediate deportation of anyone who uses the expression “Just sayin'” after they just f****** said something. “I think 9/11 was pretty bad, but tacos are yummy. Just sayin.'”

We’ll start here, and see how the year goes.

Of course this could still happen:

 

The World Ends Today

I don’t really know the point of working on this post since the world is ending today. There’s a 67 percent chance the world will end before I even finish this sentence.

Should I even bother with a drawing? It takes actually drawing something and then scanning it and then putting it in photoshop then uploading it. The world could end during any of these steps.

I’m going to put this instead:

This is Donald Trump with Rick Perry’s hair. I didn’t know how to work it into my last post. Since the world is ending I figured I should use it now.

I would also like to show this:

This is Rick Perry with Donald Trump's hair. I also saw no way to use it in the last post. Now here it is for you to enjoy on your last day on earth.

Whew…I now feel like I wrapped up everything that I should have. . . although I probably should have tried to snag at least one Reese peanut butter cup from the king-size pack before my husband ate them all. It would have been nice to explode or whatever happens during end times with the taste of chocolatey peanut butter in my mouth.

You might be asking (if you have time to ask because the world could end now. Or now. Or right now. ….oorrrrrrr now) how do I know the world is ending? The Today show told me.

It seem appropriate that I would write my last post about the Today show since most of my posts are about the Today show. We had a good run, my friend. I loved all those times you sucked.

The female anchorbots who all look alike had a story about Harold Camping. He’s a 90-year-old preacher who likes to predict Armageddon. He has done it three times, the most recent being today. He said the end would come very quietly.

That’s nice.

I would be disappointed if the end turned out to be just like a terrible Michael Bay movie.

The female anchorbots laughed and laughed about this. They made “funny” “jokes” like:

“If I go out of focus, you’ll know my cameraman’s  just been raptured”

and

“I hope his track record continues”

Bwhahahahahahahahaha! Funny stuff, except aren’t you the very ones giving this giant goofball attention? He could say his crazy predictions on his little radio station, and his listeners could cash in their 401ks to buy big boxes of wine and that would be that. But you have given this story national significance. . . so now I think Harry Camping may have a point.

Especially since later in the show,  you spotlighted the most popular Halloween costumes. The most popular are the “Charlie Sheen” complete with a bottle of tiger’s blood and the “Anthony Weiner” complete with a giant prosthetic penis.

If that doesn’t foreshadow the end times, I don’t know what does….