Please Punch Me in the Face Repeatedly

I feel like a character in Terry Gilliam’s Brazil.

Have you seen Brazil?  In the beginning, a fly splatter changes the name of a terrorist suspect from Tuttle to Buttle. The innocent Buttle is apprehended through a hole cut in his ceiling, terrorized and killed. His neighbor attempts to track down what happens, but gets tied up in bureaucratic red tape at Information Retrieval.

It’s actually quite funny.

My dilemma with the state education department is not so much.

My initial certification is set to expire in 14 days. I became aware of this by an automatic email sent Jan. 3 through my school’s business office.

My reaction: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccck!

I had assumed (what’s the expression about assumed? Oh yes, that it makes your life a living, fucking hell) that I just would be professionally certified. I had already taken the tests, said the Pledge backwards and forwards, perfected the art of shushing.

A week after the automatic email, I received a form letter from my school informing me of my impending shitcannery unless I get my prof certz.

So I’m on this. I pretty much needed evidence that I taught kids the Dewey Decimal System for three years, and I filed that paperwork under 020 (Dewey Classification for Library and Information Sciences, boo-yah).

Here’s the rub, and it’s not the good rub that relaxes you, but the kind that causes your shoulders to hunch up–my paperwork is in the bowels of the state ed department, awaiting some clerk to rip open an envelope, stick the paperwork on top of towering stack of 10,000 other applicants, and shove it under the nose of an evaluator.


Yes, this is the year 1964 for those who may be wondering. Have you seen those new giant computers that are the size of airplane hangers. They is something! I bet in the future they get even bigger!

This envelope could be opened tomorrow.

It could also be opened three months from now, meaning I get my dandy certificate 59 days after I get fired.

This is me: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccck!

“I thought this could be expedited,” me to certification person.

“It can’t be expedited until they get the paperwork,” certification person to me

“Can I just bring the paperwork directly to them. I will do that,” me to certification person.

“You won’t be let in the building,” certification person to me.

“So my job, my livelihood, is at the mercy of a mailroom? There is nothing I can do?” me to certification person.


I guess my next stop is Information Retrieval.

Will Work For Job

I have a knack for entering a career at the exact moment that career begins to decline. I worked as a newspaper reporter in a bureau that currently no longer exists. I got out at the right time (after the second buyout and before the first furlough) to start my new career as a school librarian. Right around 2008. Something else happened in 2008….what was it? Hmm.

Oh right, the financial meltdown.

My school district is in a financial hole, my position is unmandated and my administrators (who make 4 to 5 times more than me) think “well, she just reads books to kids, couldn’t a toy monkey clanging cymbals together do that?” (Answer: yes)

So there’s a 110 percent chance I will be laid off the end of this school year.

Now I have grown accustomed to a certain lifestyle, one where I can buy food and have shelter. You’re likely thinking “Speaker7, get off your high horse.”

So if I want to continue this lifestyle, I need to start planning for the future. Maybe I’ll open a bookstore, one that also sells CDs.

Don’t worry, I will let you know what I choose the moment I choose it so you can leave that career path immediately before it begins its inevitable decline.

Possible career paths

TV Loudmouth

There is a lot of money to be made in being loud and being on TV. The key is to say something really awful to get someone to pay attention to you, interview you and ask why you say such awful things to which you respond “Typical gotcha question from the liberal media elite.” Possible loudmouth scenario: “Bomb Cameroon! You heard me. Why? They’ve got gorillas. A gorilla once ignored me at the zoo even when I banged as hard as I could on the glass to get her attention away from nursing her baby–which is gross. Breastfeeding is child abuse and if you don’t do it, you are a monster, and if you do do it, you’re no better than a gorilla. What’s my point? My point is women are whores.”

Upside: Crazy uncles parroting my phrases at family gatherings. Coffee mugs with my name on them.

Downside: Having to live with myself.


Look on any street corner and what do you see? Pawn shops and stores that buy gold. Okay, yes those, but look at some of the other storefronts. Tattoo parlors and furniture rentals. Yes, yes, but keep looking don’t you see that haberdasher shop? No.

Upside: Redemption. In high school, I tried to snag the part of the beloved haberdasher in  The Taming of the Shrew. The part had one line. This was the line: “Here is the cap your worship did bespeak.” I recited the line as if I was the top haberdasher in Verona. I didn’t get the part. The setting is Padua. Completely different haberdasher.

Downside: What is a haberdasher?

Child Star Manager

My 2-year-old son is very cute and game for anything. Me: “Want to go throw pinecones at a tree?” Him: “Yes.” Me: “Want to go throw pinecones at a bush?” Him: “Yes.” I taught him the infamous haberdasher line from The Taming of the Shrew and he totally nailed it.

Upside: Carvel Ice Cream card and other perks.

Downside: I love my son.

Public Librarian

I’ve already got the MLS–seems like a good transition if you discount the reduction in library aid, the zero job openings, and the patrons who only go to the library to look at porn.

Upside: Dewey!

Downside: The public. Cleaning up the public’s bodily fluids.

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