Dr. Oz

Fifty Flavors of Ugh (Fifty Shades Darker: pgs. 51-100)

I’m beginning my recrap of pages 51-100 of Fifty Shades Darker: Money Never Sleeps with a public service announcement. This is something I had to do before, when Christian Grey pulled out Anastasia Steele’s tampon and threw it in a toilet.

So here it is:

Please do not put food in your vagina. Or if you do not have a vagina, please do not put food into someone else’s vagina.

I understand the labia is sometimes referred to as vaginal lips. I understand that inserting a penis into a vagina can be referred to as getting the “hot beef injection” (Bender, John, perf. “The Breakfast Club.” 1985. DVD.).

But the vagina is not a mouth. It is not meant to be invigorated by the latest amuse bouche.

Why am I bringing this up?

Patience, gentle reader.

If you would like to read how we got to this point, click here.

Ana is getting ready to meet her coworkers at the Fifty Shades theme bar where ladies drink free if they go through the spanking machine. “Miss Steele? Anastasia Steele?” Ana turns her head and sees Alex Forrest from Fatal Attraction. Alex laughs maniacally and looks at Ana with eyes that are brown, like bourbon, but flat (this is the actual description in the book).

“What do you have that I don’t?” Alex asks. Alex reaches over and turns a lamp on and off, revealing a white bandage around her wrist. She leaves with a “You should see what I can do with rabbits.”

What the crap, crap? Ana thinks, but soon forgets about the mysterious woman when she starts slamming beers at the bar. Ana’s boss Rapey McRapelstein stands too close to Ana and tries to ensnare her with his groin.

The lights flicker on and off. Everyone’s hair stands on end. Christian Grey has entered the room. All women’s down there become moist as sponge cake. All men’s testicles shrivel up into their necks.

Christian and Jekyll Hyde engage in a pissing contest because every man wants Ana just like every woman wants Christian. They are the most beguiling, mysterious, witty, intelligent, amazing couple in the universe even though everything they do and say show they are as annoying as shit.

Christian immediately begins doing push ups with his penis. Jack Ripper shows off his own penis prowess:

Ana and Christian leave to commence with the non kinky fuckery at Ana’s place. Christian asks if Jack is a good boss because if no, his ass is grass. Ana figures out that Christian has bought the publishing company where she works.

“I’m mad,” she yells.

“Well, I’m smiling my boyish smile,” he retorts, his eyes hooded and blazing and sparkling. “I must protect you at all times. Did you see the changes to the health care plan Vaginal ball extraction is totally covered.”

“Now I’m not mad anymore,” she breathes into her down there.

Sexing time. The usual stuff: grunting, licking, moaning, argghhing etc. It gets very repetitive and mind numbing hot. Christian likes to offer encouragement to Ana, which sounds very similar to the encouragement one gives a dog at obedience school.

It continues on for infinity, and I begin to wish it could be broken up by one of their banal email exchanges:

They stop and talk nonsense…I don’t know, maybe about whether Pinky or Blinky make the better Pac Man villain, I’m just so tired…and then Ana asks if he wants dessert. “I have vanilla ice cream,” she says blushing furiously.

Christian basically spoons Ben & Jerry’s ice cream all over her.

And all I can think is how much I hate when ice cream drips on my hand and arm, and now it’s all over the bed and sheets and yuck.

He then puts some in her pubic hair and vagina and licks it out. Mmm. I bet that tasted really good since she just had two spermicide-covered latex condoms in there.

I don’t understand why Ben & Jerry’s hasn’t capitalized on the Fifty Shades phenomenon by releasing a flavor inspired by the books. This one’s a freebie, boys:

Okay, gentle reader, this is where I’m going to refer you to the PSA at the top. I don’t think it’s the best idea to put sugar-based foods into one’s vagina.

Look what I found from a simple Google search of “Should I put ice cream in my vagina?”

I think it has something to do with screwing up the delicate balance of bacteria. Dr. Oz did a show on this once:

Ana mentions she needs a shower, but it is unclear whether she takes one–and this from an author who spent six paragraphs on the small talk between Ana and Claire the receptionist.

She falls asleep in the sticky sheets–oh dear christ–and dreams she is the pale, unwashed   ghost woman who confronted Ana on the sidewalk. She wakes up screaming and tells Christian about the encounter. It turns out the woman is Leila, one of his former subs. She showed up on Christian’s doorstep when he was with Ana in Georgia, and slit her wrist in front of the housekeeper Mrs. Jones.

“How does she know about me?” Ana whispers

Christian surmises Leila saw the one photograph of them online. Let’s ignore that in that photo Ana was unidentified.

Next day, Ana wants to get her haircut. Christian takes her to a salon where all the blonde employees seem to know him. Ana wonders if he’s screwed all of them, which is a healthy thought and a sign of a strong relationship. Nope, he just owns a chain of beauty salons.

Okay.

His co-owner is the woman who made him a sex slave at 15, and surprise she’s there. Christian rushes over to her and whispery whispers.

Ana’s like Crap, this sucks a big crapnugget. She’s, like, so prettier than me…er…I mean, she hurt Christian…but she is so way prettier than me. That sucks cow teats.

Christian returns to Ana’s side, and she wants to leave because of the over prettiness of Elena. They fight and fight. Christian’s cell phone rings, and it’s serious emergency time, you guys. Leila left her husband and took up with some guy who was killed in a car accident a few weeks ago.

Okay.

But wait! She has a concealed gun permit.

All right.

Listen! She wants to kill Ana!?!

Huh?

For reals, yo.

Judge the pom-poms, not the pounds

I hate Entertainment Tonight.

It’s loud. It’s an assault on all the senses. It has “celebrities” who are unrecognizable.

But I was compelled to watch tonight. Why?

This:

Richard Simmons was weighing in about overweight actresses. I saw a commercial for this segment during the Dr. Oz show. Why was I watching the Dr. Oz show?  Well, when I was flipping through channels, I saw Dr. Oz throwing confetti at a woman holding a posterboard that read “mucous” and thought “This seems science-like.” The commercial for Richard Simmons’ appearance occurred between that and the segment where the woman dipped her hand into two different gallons of mucous. When she pulled her hand out of the thicker beaker of green goo, I began to think “Wait, what the f*** was Richard Simmons wearing?”

So I knew I had to watch it later. I had to slog through a never-before-seen Breaking Dawn exclusive where Taylor Lautner feigned acting in front of a green screen and some other random person said I could share my Twilight contribution to the Twilight time capsule, and I cut a little bit into my arm just so I could feel something.

I had to watch a Kohl’s commercial passed off as a segment on women wearing men’s clothing according to the trend guy(?), and the items of clothing were a sweater dress over tights and knee-high boots.

I had to watch them break down the power of Cher. They interviewed the Moviefone guy. He said. “If you’d like times for Footloose, press 1. Human Centipede 2, press 2.”

I had to listen to some woman screaming about old women dating baby men. Linda Evans from Dallas dated Yanni. She said she got plastic surgery because of it. “I was dating a man 20 years…..er….12 years younger,”  almost slipped, Linda, keep it together, she thinks to herselfand then I had to listen to John Mayer sing and I frantically looked for a silver-plated letter opener to jam into my ear to bring about peace.

But sweet relief…the Richard Simmons’ segment came on….and yes, he is wearing a black tank top covered in pom-poms. And I’m waiting for someone to ask “Okay, so what the f*** is up with the pom-poms?” Instead Richard Simmons is asked about overweight actresses.

“We judge people by the pound,” he says.

And the next logical follow-up question is clearly “Right, but what the f*** are you wearing?”

But it’s not. They talk a bit about actress Melissa McCarthy and Richard–wearing a black tank top covered in pom poms, I mean, it’s nearly impossible to discern the color of the tank top due to the amount of pom poms on it–says he would like to kiss her, and that when you make fun of yourself that’s okay, but when other people make fun of you it’s not.

So I guess the pom-pom covered tank top is a challenge? I don’t know.

All I know is after watching nearly 23 minutes of Entertainment Tonight, I would welcome sticking my head into a vat of mucous.