doomed to failure

Everything’s Coming Up Roses

I have been asked to participate in a local variety show that will have its premiere in April.

This is kind of great especially since I made one of my New Year’s resolution: “Be like super famous and shit.”

Nearly there, reader, nearly there.

I have three months to figure out just what the fuck I’m going to do. This is where you come in.

It’s difficult because I have so many talents, I’m not sure which one I should highlight. #humblebrag

This actually is not true, but it is very similar to something a college boyfriend once said to me after I confided my fear in never finding a career post-college because I couldn’t do anything. He commiserated by confiding he was so good at so many things, he didn’t know what he should do. #horribleproblems

That’s almost as good as when my post-college boyfriend told me I’d “be so cute, if (I) just ate salads.” #luckilyIdidn’tmarryeither

So I am a bit apprehensive about this upcoming show. I do have some theater experience. In ninth grade, I played the pivotal role in a high school production of Romeo and Juliet–Peter, the nurse’s page. I wore a tunic that made me resemble a potato, said “Anon” like nobody’s business and stood really still except for those times I was directed to sit. I sit really well. #braggartpotato

Here are some of my ideas. I’m hoping you can give me some direction in the comments.

  • Reenact the dance I did to Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’ in the sixth grade talent show.
  • Ventriloquist bit with Hugo. Hugo will not move his lips while I speak.

hugoactOh. What are you doing?

hugoact2Okay. So I guess that’s out.

  • Watch TV
  • Wow people with my ability to be the only person who doesn’t know what the fuck “gangnam style” is.
  • Eat slices of provolone cheese at 10 at night.

 What do you think? #everyvarietyshowhasoneterribleact