DNA testing

Deep Dark Sex Secrets 1 through 1,890

My life is full of regrets.

I was thinking how much I do not want to be on a bed of death, lamenting all the things I should have done, but didn’t.

I had not seen Maury Povich’s eponymous show since Vicki slept with her sister’s boyfriend Jamal and Jamal’s brother Dominque and posed this simple question:  Is my sister’s boyfriend or his brother my baby’s dad?

I never did find out the answer to that question.

Regret.

Speaker7's last words

Speaker7 dies

Today’s Maury did not pose a question, but a statement of fact: “The tests will uncover your deep dark sex secret.” I would get my answers today…well, not to Vicki’s dilemma–that will forever haunt me–but the answers to some of life’s greatest mysteries.

Deep Dark Sex Secret #1: (editor’s note: this actually could be deep dark sex secret #17 or #1,825 because Speaker7 missed the first six minutes of the show. Regret.)

“She was more like a beauty queen from a movie scene. . . but the kid is not my (daughter)”

Kristina has two children with her husband David, but David doesn’t believe he’s the father of Chantilly because he thinks Kristina cheated on him with her ex-husband Tony.

Kristina is angry. David thinks she’s a cheater. They both tell their stories in a very natural non-reading-cue-card-like kind of way.

I chew my fingernails down to the knuckles……Maury pulls up the flap on his endless supply of manila envelopes….I reach up to wipe the sweat pouring from my forehead…

“In the case of Chantilly,” Maury intones. “David you are the father.”

I black out.

When I come to, I learn there are more deep-dark-sex-secret uncovering to uncover.

Deep Dark Sex Secret #2: Electric Boogaloo

A one-night stand turned into one DNA dispute.

Maria had sex with Andrew one time. Maria screams everything she says as if she is trying to make herself heard over a sandblaster. She screams at the audience to “LOOK AT MY BABY!!!!! LOOK AT MY GIRL!!!!” She screams at Andrew “I HOPE YOUR PENIS FALLS OFF!!!!!!!!”

Maury pulls out the envelope. I get into a fetal position next to the couch.

“In the case of Drucilla,” Maury intones. “Andrew you are NOT the father.”

I began to convulse as a thin trickle of urine puddles next to my twitching body.

I wonder if my system can take anymore deep-dark-sex-secret uncovering when Maury cuts directly to the next story after Maria ran backstage screaming “I’M SORRY!!!!!”

Deep Dark Sex Secret #3: Revenge of the Sith

I change my outfit and swallow four Xanax. I go to my happy place in my head as Maury introduces April. April thinks her fiance Walt and her cousin Laureen are having “sex on each other.” She has seen “sex stains” on Walt’s boxers although Walt claims they were just from an accident. Lovely, lovely love.

Maury has the lie detector results. Before he can intone them, my heart seizes in my chest. I can feel a blood vessel explode inside my head. I flop off the couch onto the floor.

I believe I died a few seconds before being revived by Maury’s clear delivery that Walt is a liar. The boxer stains were sex stains after all.

Incredible, riveting storytelling.

My only regret is that I didn’t DVR it.

Regret.

 

Is my sister’s boyfriend or his brother my baby’s dad?

Who hasn’t asked themselves that very question at least once?

So Vicki slept with Jamal who is her sister Sara’s boyfriend, but she also slept with Dominque who is Jamal’s brother, and someone’s sperm connected with Vicki’s egg, which is where we get the succinct title for today’s Maury. Maury Povich has an endless supply of guests who find themselves in this predicament and an endless supply of manila envelopes in which to store the paternity results.  There is yelling and pointing. There is bleeping of words. There is a video feed of a small child who deserves his or her own episode  on Maury titled “Are These Really My Parents? Jesus Christ.”  There are sometimes back flips. It is “incredible” and “shocking” according to Maury, but probably not in the way he means.

Maury asks some good questions of Vicki, like: “What’s your relationship with your sister like now?”

Vicki: “It’s not like it’s used to be.” Yes.

In a pre-taped interview Sara comes to this realization: “I need to know if my niece is my boyfriend’s baby.” Yes.

And that is where we find ourselves now, waiting for Maury to reveal the results. Will Sara dump Jamal (Maury made sure to ask that. It’s too soon to say, says Sara)? Will Jamal punch Dominque? Possible. Will someone yell? Yes, there is always the yelling. There are also either one or 23 other couples in similar predicaments in this episode, but the yelling has caused them to blur together into a mess of lost dreams and unopened condoms.

And we will have to continue to wait because Maury is milking a second show out of this tomorrow. Here is my guess: Everyone loses.