It is with a heavy heart that I make this announcement:
Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore’s probable divorce is something I care very little about.
Speaker7 before hearing the news
Speaker7 after hearing the news
I know I’m suppose to care. I know their split will likely make me question the fragility of my own marriage (actually, probably not). Yet whenever it’s on the news (because it is news, goddammit!), I find myself paging through my son’s copy of Busy, Busy Town by Richard Scarry. Did you know there are all kinds of writers? The best writers write children books in an office in busy, busy town.
The Today show really wants me to care so that makes me really want to try to care because I really, really seek the Today show’s approval. They want me to care so much that they made a little news documentary about the possible divorce all the while ignoring the Occupy Wall Street protest that is happening a few blocks away. Just to be clear, people protesting the way Wall Street ass-raped the entire country in 2008 and continues to do so is not news. Public employees caused the recession with their demands for actual living wages and decent working conditions. We should all go back to the heyday of working in meatpacking factories for 16 hours a day with no safety regulations whatsoever.
Millionaires tweeting inanities is news.
So some Gillette commercial actor pretending to be a news correspondent is telling the Barbie Doll anchor that something is seriously up in the House of Kutcher. Demi Moore looks even more skeletal. Ashton was out alone partying hours before the couple’s 6th anniversary. “Even People Magazine is questioning the state of their union.” Holy sh*t!!!!!!!!!!! I had no idea it was this serious. People Magazine is questioning!?! That’s like if zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
I’m back. What else is happening? I swear I saw this guy using the Gillette Profusion Glide®, but okay he’s a “reporter.” This “reporter” tells us we’re left to read between the tweets. Jesus @#$#*&! Christ. Okay, let’s get it over with.
Demi tweets: blah blah blah
Ashton tweets: Blee blee blee
We will now get to the bottom of this by interviewing two people who make far too much money doing stupid things for a living, Bonnie Fuller and some other person whose name I didn’t catch.
Bonnie says it was surprise that they were even together, but blah blah blah blah.
Barbie anchor asks about the difficulties of May-December romances since Demi is 15 years older. Let’s just point out that this is asked all the time about relationships between older men and younger women like:
- Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie – 12 year age difference
- Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart – 22 years
- Michael Douglass and Catherine Zeta Jones – 25 years
- Woody Allen and Soon-Yi Previn – 35 years
- Rupert and Wendi Deng Murdoch – 37 years
- Edward Cullen and Bella Swan – 92 years
- Papa Smurf and Smurfette – 491 years
Except it’s not.
Other lady says younger men like older women because boringngngngngngnnggngngn. The power relationship has changed. When they met Demi was a Hollywood icon and Ashton was just an average joe making $10,000 an episode for a blah TV show. Today he’s making an obscene amount of money on a truly awful TV show. Growth.
So that’s the whole sordid tale for now. I will keep you posted.
Update: Speaker7 continues to not care about this story.