dancing with the stars

We Had a Good Run, America

In a few days, it will be a new year, and some believe this is the year the world ends.

I’m not convinced. I consulted both my box of bones and magic eight ball, and they tell a different story, a story I’m not willing to share so close to Christmas (only 364 shopping days left!).

What is certain, is that America is done. Over. Kaput. Pfffttttttttt……..

Scientific proof:

Even looking at it hurts my ear drums (credit: saddest photographer in the world).

Roads and bridges are falling apart. Our food and products are filled with high fructose corn syrup and plasticized high fructose corn syrup-flavored corn syrup. Our schools are failing, and our children are so morbidly obese, their fingers get mistaken for hot dogs by the pack of wild dogs roaming our foreclosed suburbs. Even truck nutz look more shriveled than ever.

photo credit: world's saddest nutz sackz photographed by the world's second saddest photographer.

We had a good run…..well, except for slavery, Jim Crow, the extermination of the native people, the subjugation of women, stirrup pants, American Idol and celebrities who are famous for sex videos.

That’s it? We’re over just like that? I can change.

I don’t know….I feel like I’ve heard this from you before, America, and then you made me watch Bristol Palin on Dancing with the Stars, Season XXVIICCXXMM.

Give me a second chance.

This is more like your 477th. I’m still pissed about this:

Okay, here are a few things you can do to clean up your act. Consider them your New Year’s resolutions:

1. Fix shit. Remember how Wall Street f***** you over and made billions while everything crumbled? Still happening. Unlike you, they don’t want to change….ever.

2. Refuse to let John Boehner be a congressman until he does something about the orange hue of his skin and his incessant crying. Oh, and his horrible awful vomit-inducing grand-standing and scorched-earth policies. . . I’m amending this to refuse to let nearly every politician be an elected representative, and advocate for the election of Sesame Street muppets in their place.

3. Immediate deportation of anyone who uses the expression “Just sayin'” after they just f****** said something. “I think 9/11 was pretty bad, but tacos are yummy. Just sayin.'”

We’ll start here, and see how the year goes.

Of course this could still happen:

 

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News You Can Lose

It will be hard to sleep tonight. I had been watching back-to-back episodes of Top Chef–Just Desserts while my 18-month-old son stuck metal objects into electrical sockets, but turned the channel when The Rachel Blows pfftttt came on, and so I serendipitously caught the beginning of Access Hollywood Extra In Touch Newspalooza.

Access Hollywood Extra In Touch Newspalooza had a sneak peek into an exclusive interview between Matt Lauer and Brad Pitt. What a scoop! How did an NBC-based entertainment evening news show ever land a video clip from an NBC-based entertainment morning news show? I don’t think we’ll ever know, but my hat is off to you, sir Billy Bush, the future 47th president of the United States.

Brad Pitt is at the center of controversy because he told Parade magazine that his former wife Jennifer Aniston was dullsville. I was most surprised that Parade still existed. Matt Lauer was going to get to the bottom of this controversy while wearing dark sunglasses.

Brad, if we can get to more serious questions...how seriously cool do I look right now? Scale of 1 to 10.

“Wow, man, doesn’t it just suck that you can’t say kind of a dickhead thing without being interviewed by a ton of media just before your new movie is released?” Matt asked.

“I’m handsome,” Brad Pitt replied.

And we will have to wait until tomorrow’s Today show to hear the rest, and as I said in the beginning of this post it will be hard to go to sleep.

Here is what else I learned from Access Hollywood Extra In Touch Newspalooza:

  • Billy Bush wondered who Jennifer Aniston voted for on Dancing with the “Stars” since she attended high school with Chaz Bono, but is best friends with the former Mrs. David Arquette. Or did she do something boring, like not watch the show.
  • X Factor premieres and it is so unlike Simon Cowell’s previous show American Idol according to a magazine writer. There are many, many differences such as zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. “It’s going to be fun,” lies the writer.
  • Madonna’s 14-year-old daughter has her own clothing line. What a surprising accomplishment. She must be very talented.
  • Billy Bush is surprised by the number of Spice babies.
  • Alex Trebek clarifies his naked robbery. It’s still unsettling.
  • Some tarted-up toddler says “I’m a little Southern girl, but no not snooty” and we will spend a day in her life….aw shit, it’s on tomorrow’s Access Hollywood Extra In Touch Newspalooza
  • Mel B., mother of a new Spice baby, will lose the baby weight by “sexercise and exercise.” I will cut her some slack since she just had a baby and that could be why she’s talking like a crazy person.

Good night, and good luck.

How Kendra and I Got Our Groove Back

Giving birth is hard, but I found raising the actual child harder. I had certain expectations.

Like this:

The reality was a little different–especially in the beginning. In the first few weeks, many people come by your house to coo at your baby. This usually happens when you’ve just begun nursing. It’s typically your father-in-law or father. These are the fun moments.

You change a lot of diapers. You cannot believe someone so small can produce the waste of an entire elementary school on a single day. You keep track. Since you’re breastfeeding you have no idea if the baby is getting enough to eat. You begin to realize that you have one hour and 20 minutes between each 40-minute-bouts of nursing when you can be something other than a food source. These are the even funner moments.

I think I suffered from postpartum depression the first two months of my son’s life. My therapist at the time said I had adjustment disorder in order for me to submit my visits to my insurance provider. It was a very lonely time. I remember distinctly my mother showing me an picture of my baby on her iPhone and me just wanting to be left alone so I could watch Dancing with the Stars.  In my defense, it was the episode where Kate Gosselin stomped around to the song “Paparazzi.”

It was in these profoundly sad moments that I turned to tabloid magazines for support. And wouldn’t you know, a “celebrity” could articulate exactly what I was experiencing.

Kendra Wilkinson, a former Playboy bunny whose claim to fame was dating the host of Tales from the Crypt, recently had become a mother herself. She now peered at me from the magazine covers, exclusively sharing her new mom confessions with Us Weekly and exclusively sharing her new mom worries with In Touch and exclusively sharing her new mom anxieties with Life & Style. To use the parlance of reality television, I felt a connection.

It was like she had a window into my brain when she discussed her decision to breastfeed. Anyone who says this is a natural, beautiful process has blocked out the first two months when neither participant knows what the hell to do, and where you wish you could do something gentler to yourself, like rub sandpaper on your nipples and coat them with lemon juice.

Kendra, like many mothers, worried about her ability to nurse with Triple D implants. It was like Kendra channeled my own thoughts when she said: “Right up until I went into labor, I was like, I don’t want to breastfeed! Then the baby came, and I was like, Ooh! I want to breastfeed!”  I might have even said those exact words.

In two sentences, Kendra perfectly encapsulated the internal struggle of nursing vs. formula.

And as difficult as the decision to nurse was, it was nothing compared to the sadness Kendra felt. I, too, felt trapped and overburdened. I felt like I had nothing to look forward to, that my life would forever be an endless cycle of diaper-changing, feedings and CNN-watching. Kendra recounted the story of a visit by friends a few weeks after giving birth. Her words were like a lifeline:

“It was bad timing. They were really hot and had really nice bodies.”

Thank you, Kendra, for explaining why I was feeling so hopeless and forlorn.

And the story ends well for both of us….I no longer want to get in the car and drive as far away as possible from my son…and Kendra consumed Abdominal Cuts, a weightloss supplement filled with conjugated linoleic acid, to get her body back in shape. Win-win.

Strategy Breath™

If you hadn’t realized, episode 3 of Bachelor Pad ended with a “cliffhanger.”

I hadn’t realized. 

We open at the end of the last episode with the rose ceremony. The host says if you don’t hear your name called, you will be leaving bachelor pad immediately. He calls Kasey’s name. I swear I’ve seen this before. Oh that’s right, the end of the last episode.

Vienna breathes a sigh of relief and forces a hug onto Holly. Jake gives a speech:

“A bachelor pad divided against itself cannot stand. I believe this bachelor pad cannot endure permanently half Power Couple™, half non-Power Couple™. I do not expect the bachelor pad to be dissolved. It will become all one thing or all the other.” Or something along those lines and then he’s in the limo.

Kasey does some kind of gang symbol, says something incomprehensible “Shizzle shuz. The devil is gone. Shuz shizzle just euphoric sensations all over my body. Shushshuch niz. You’re a jackass. Later bro, like kid rocks, dude. I’m the strongest player. I’m the strongest competitor. I’m the stronger strategist.” He mispronounces that last word, but that is his strategy, bro. Okay, like kid rocks shushizzle. >gang sign<

Moving on. The next competition was the “most talked about” and “most popular” last season of Bachelor Pad, according to the host and I will have to take him at his word.

It’s the 2nd annual Kissing Contest!! Everyone looks miserable as if they heard Kasey was about to give them a promise ring along with a serenade.

“I know it’s early. I hope you all brushed,” the host says. This will become important later.

Michelle has made the decision not to do it because she wants to set a good example for her 6-year-old daughter. Um….hmm….okay. Can I just bring up one little thing? You’re saying this while appearing as a contestant on Bachelor Pad.

most "popular" competition

Kissy face, kissy face, tonguey face, tonguey face. Blindfolds. Blake jams his tongue down everyone’s collective throat. Ella chews on some guys’ faces. Erica has self-proclaimed good lips because of injections. Kasey has bad breath. That’s his strategy breath. And Blake and Ella are the winners.

Blake and Ella get to chose one person for a “romantic” one-on-one date. Ella chooses Kirk—wait, who’s that? Has he been on the show before? They go outside and find a red Ferrari parked in the driveway. This causes another guy…who is he? William? Okay… William is mad and said he would have been a manwhore if he knew it involved a Ferrari. I swear I have never seen either man before and I’ve watched 435 hours of this show.

Meanwhile Melissa is trying to wheedle a date out of Blake. They apparently have been partners since day 1. “This is epic,” Melissa says. “I don’t know how we pulled it off.” “I hate you,” Blake says.

Ella/Kirk date. It’s a really fun lighthearted time where Kirk mentions he was almost killed by mold and Ella tells how she watched her mother get murdered. There are s’mores.

Blake announces he is taking Holly on his date. Melissa is outraged. “Can you explain yourself because you gave 800 promises. You pinky-swore.” She has a point. The pinky-swear is nearly as binding as dibs. She has a meltdown in the bathroom. Bringing up the pinky-swear again, she announces “(Blake) is dead to me.” For some reason she goes looking for him to talk to him again and finds him doing something Kasey should do…brushing his teeth. He says “another 40 seconds” and we seriously wait with her and cut to commercial.

Next day: Holly/Blake date. We find a number of people in the house are unhappy about this mainly Melissa and Michael, who used to be engaged to Holly and still loves her. Blake says “Michael has called dibs on Holly.” Holy sh*t Blake, you are really playing with fire this episode. First you break a pinky-swear and now you’re not honoring dibs? The date is at a ski resort. Blake says “Our chemistry is impeccable” which is not at all an odd way of putting it. Holly says “I’ve never had so much fun in my life” and a knife is jammed into Michael’s heart. They stay overnight.

The show is playing music from The Cider House Rules while everyone talks about being confused and upset. It’s a real downer, but HOLD YOUR HORSES EVERYBODY….we’re about to find out half of the contestants on the next season of Dancing with the “Stars.” And its many “stars” I do not know. I’m not going to list them because it will require me exerting effort to find out how their names are spelled or who they even are. Excitement.

Nighttime rose ceremony. Kasey employs this strategy: He needs the money so his grandma will live (Strategy Death™). He’s a prince, that one. Melissa is slowly learning that all the men are voting for her.

But now we’re back to the rest of the DWTS cast!! And it’s….Nancy Grace…crap, now I’m actually going to want to watch this, and this show’s interminable. It would have been awesome if Casey Anthony had also been cast.

Shot of the moon and back to the rose ceremony. Dramatic music. Math. Eight people – six roses=zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

And it’s William..aw..I just feel like I got to know you…I’m kidding, I have no idea who you are. And Melissa. She cries and cries and cries.

But Kasey’s grandma lives on!

My rose to myself

When I began this blog, I made a promise to myself that I would write everyday. And it so far has worked out. . . until today. So that is why I watched Bachelor Pad.

I said to myself “Self, watch the first episode.” And then saw that the first episode was actually three 45-minute episodes. Beer me strength. If you have never seen or heard of Bachelor Pad, contestants from previous Bachelor/Bachelorette live in a house, someone stops being polite and starts getting real, and some couple wins $250,000. Things “are going to get exciting.” Things “are going to get interesting.” Things “are going to get crazy.” These sentences are thrown about by various bachelor/ettes who all look the same to me.

Part I

Host says something like “All the memorable contestants in Bachelor history are here” and names people like the guy who wore the shirt, the guy who got the tattoo, the guy who gave everyone herpes. Now we get to meet them in-depth. They’re 18 of them so be patient, luckily the producers only deemed 11 of them important enough to get an introduction.

First up – wrestler, stands in front of graffiti, then shown boxing because he’s a wrestler.

Girl who beats herself up while sleeping — will use the money to cure cancer.

Girl with major plot points on a clipboard – slept with some guy, hates this contestant who better not show up on Bachelor Pad, which leads us directly to a segment on that bachelorette. Plot twist!

Vienna – I know her because I watched that Dancing with the Stars with her ex-fiance Jake and she was always in the audience. I watched Dancing with the Stars because I suffered from postpartum depression. In her introduction, she gets bronzer sprayed on her inner thighs.

Tattoo guy from the host intro – he is Vienna’s boyfriend. Something is wrong with his microphone…no, that is just his voice. It’s hard to describe, but when he talks, I feel like I have cotton in my ears. He’s going to pummel Jake, and he “will punch him for America.” Which lead us to…

Jake – walks in a hay field, climbs into a jet.

Girl with Tiara on head – tells us she “lives out of a trust fund.” How does someone do that? Does she live in a big vault? I would watch a show about that. She dances in astroturf and says she will kiss a girl.

Blue shirt guy – he films himself doing good work like Gandhi used to.

Girl without home – it appears she lives in the woods. She stalks out homes. She wants to buy a home for her son. She watched her mother get murdered by her stepfather. Jesus Christ, Bachelor Pad, don’t make me feel actual feelings.

Girl (I’m getting tired) – she was engaged to another bachelor contestant and zzzzzzzzzzz

He’s there too. Things “are going to get interesting.”

Okay, introductions are done. First limo arrives. Squee! And it’s….who? Some woman. Was she in the introductions….yes?….I don’t know… She says her mind has “literally been blown.” I don’t think she knows what literally means. She is one of the contestants who tells us many times that things are going to get either crazy or exciting. Still waiting.

Then some guy shows up. I don’t know who he is, but he tells us that “it’s going to get crazy in here. I know it.” Then a guy shows up and another guy and the girl with tiara and then Vienna, who I recognize, and who also doesn’t understand what literally means because she says her heart is literally “beating a million miles a minute.” I look at the timer on the bottom of the screen–are you freaking kidding me? Only 20 minutes have gone by? I’m going to literally bash my head into my dining room table. And I do, because I know what literally means.

More people speak about how interesting and exciting and crazy things are going to get as they mill around like they’re at the worst office holiday party ever. This is building up to the arrival of Jake, which I hope causes Vienna’s heart to literally explode while Cotton-Mouth literally punches Jake for America. Jake arrives and he talks about the weather with Vienna and Cotton-Mouth and this is literally the most interesting moment in the episode.

Part II

Host comes in, reminds everyone that there are 9 men, 9 women. Everyone needs to partner up and one woman is worried she will be left without a partner, and I weep for our public school system. Here’s the challenge: Guys are in harnesses and launched into the air with the ladies wrapped around them. Vienna says she is going to “literally wrap her legs around him” which will be an effective strategy if the other women decide to figuratively do it. This is an unnecessarily long segment. It’s down to Jake and his partner and Vienna and Cotton-Mouth. Jake wins, he gets a rose, protection and a hot date. Vienna and Cotton-Mouth have a hot-tub fight then a patio fight. Each fight involves Vienna saying multiple times how Cotton-Mouth was supposed to protect her. If it’s to protect her from being on horribly boring reality shows then she’s got a point. Alliance talk, it’s really “exciting.” Cotton-Mouth refers to another dude as “schematic.”

Part III

Grainy night-camera sex.

This has literally been my longest post ever!