daily post

First Lady Speaker7’s Initiative

As you may remember, my husband recently won a seat on our legislative body.

This makes me the First Lady-elect of my town.

It has already affected me in many ways. For instance now I’m slightly embarrassed when I’m approached by a constituent in the supermarket and I’m wearing sweatpants covered in dinner stains and cannot remember the last time I ran a brush through my hair. I figure I can correct this with a strand of pearls or a pillbox hat.

I also am aware I need to champion a cause. Michelle Obama has Let’s Move, a campaign designed to improve our health. Laura Bush started the National Book Festival to promote literacy. Nancy Reagan just said no a lot about something…I think fried eggs?…the 80s are very cloudy.

I have to keep in mind that for the most part I prefer little to no social interaction and I lose interest quickly if presented with something shiny like a pinwheel so I need to pick something that will not take a lot of effort.

So my cause is to eradicate certain expressions from the English language. . . just sayin’.

Speaker7’s Let’s Never Use These Words Again First Lady Initiative:

1. Just Sayin’.

As in: I just said this. . .  just sayin’. Ooh…thanks for clearing up that you were just saying something. I wasn’t quite sure what was happening when your mouth was moving and the sound was coming out. I thought that you were about to birth the next Athena from your forehead, but you were talking?

Here’s the thing, I know that you just said something because you fucking just said something.

2. YOLO

In a way I’m grateful that I only live once so I don’t have to go through another lifetime hearing this fucking phrase. This is just a way for people to excuse their idiocy.

yolo

3. I’m not a racist but. . .

Invariably something racist ALWAYS follows the expression “I’m not racist but. . .” All this qualifier does is broadcast that something pretty racist and terrible is coming soon. For example “I’m not racist, but yogurt is my favorite food.” And now I can’t eat yogurt anymore because you’ve just made it racist.

Same thing for “I’m not sexist but. . .”

4. No offense

This expression is used when you absolutely do mean to offend someone, but want the appearance of politeness. For example “No offense, but I think you and all your family members including your ancestors and future descendants are pieces of shit” seems far more polite than “You’re a piece of shit,” but no less offensive.

5. Totes

Really? I could get it if “totally” had the same number of syllables as supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, but it’s just two more measly syllables. I could see if you had just stuck your tongue to a frozen pole during a YOLO moment and it hurts to talk, but otherwise just say the whole word please or else I will totes punch you in the face.

6. Donald Trump

I feel with great certainty that if we stop saying his name, he will go away. Like a dung beetle drawn to a fragrant cowpie, The Donald is drawn to the media limelight. Or we can call him Donald Dump because that amuses me.

donalddumpWhat words or expressions do you hate?

Speaker7 is totes writing a daily post during this month as a member of Nano Poblano because you only live once. . .just sayin’. Get ready for First Half-Man Puppet Hugo’s Initiative.

Half-Way There

I swear when I participated in NaBloWriMo last year, November was shorter–like they combined Saxophone Day with Make Your Own Head Day to create Make Your Own Head Resemble a Saxophone Day.

There were less days.

I thought I would feel better getting to the halfway mark, but I’ve mainly been feeling this:

There’s still 15 more to go, and I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel here. All that’s left are a few monkey turds from the time when it was fun.

I’m still out in the real world (i.e. without Internet access) so I’m recycling my gif gimmick for today.

Speaker7 Presents How Speaker7 Will Get Through The Next 15 Days:

Speaker7 is writing…um….stuff? Okay, that works. So she’s. . .uh….yeah I’ve got nothing. But check out other members of the Nano Poblano team over at rarasaur, they likely have something.

Ssshhhh!!! I’m Writing a Post About Librarians

For the next two days, I will be attending a librarian conference and will be without Internet access.

Let me just repeat that.

I will be without Internet access for two days during NaBloWriMo. I am committed to a daily post and I will be without Internet access for two days.

Any way, you may be wondering what exactly happens at a librarian conference.

Well there’s workshops on all kinds of stuff, like:

  • bun accessorizinghotbuns
  • Shushing techniquesshushingtechnique
  • Dewey Decimal Trivia

deweygame

  • Primal Scream Therapy sessions directed at Googleprimalscreamtherapy

It’s not all work.

There’s alloted time to get to know other librarians and socialize:

socializing

Speaker7 will not be able to comment for a few days but it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t love you. She does, however, hate NaBloWriMo.

Deep Thoughts with Hugo

You may have seen an earlier post in this scorching hemorrhoid known as NaBloWriMo where I inspired the world.

Well Hugo has been busy coming up with his own inspiration. For new readers, Hugo is a creepy half-man puppet who lives in my house. Do not look directly into his eyes.

I apologize in advance:

hugodeepthought2

hugodeepthought5

hugodeepthought

hugodeepthought4

hugodeepthought7

hugodeepthought6

hugodeepthought3Hugo is helping Speaker7 get through this shitfuck month of writing a daily post as a member of Nano Poblano Team. Theres’s a 97 percent chance that Hugo is lurking outside your window this very moment. 

Uncommon Core

The Common Core is the new traveling circus act that will save public education. The standards were the initiative of Achieve, a group of governors and corporate leaders, that felt students were not being adequately prepared for life after high school.

Notice that the profession of teacher is absent from that group. No biggie.

The majority of states have adopted the Common Core Learning Standards.

In New York State, these new standards were adopted the same year the new teaching standards were implemented. If you didn’t know, teachers are now evaluated on how their students perform on tests, in break dance competitions, in skeet shooting tournaments, in HVAC repair and the Hunger Games.

In other words, teachers were a bit stressed. But thankfully the state stepped in and paid $12.9 million to outside corporations to develop lesson modules around the Common Core.

What’s even better is a single lesson unit is only 300 pages long and includes such helpful tips as how to speak to little humans.

For example, let’s say you want your students to look at a chunk of text, the module will direct the teacher or actor to state: “Look at this text. What do you notice about it?”

All this time, I had been saying “Tree! I like pretzels crushed in my hair. Pigeons dance sometimes” when I’ve wanted students to look at a chunk of text. Had I known that I needed to actually say “Look at this text” I could have saved a lot of time, time I spent instead on brushing pretzel crumbs out of my hair. Thanks corporation!

The real gem of these multi-million dollar modules is the content. It’s as if the content was written by people who had never met a child or been a child themselves or been in a school or taught anything other than a hamster how to bubble in a state assessment.

For example, the second grade module wants second graders to be able to “describe the basic principles of Hinduism and Buddhism” and “describe the teachings of Confucius.”

That is fucked up.

–Confucius

For a point of reference, second graders are typically 7 years old with only a tiny bit of exposure to world religons that they may have gained from reading Green Eggs and Ham. That is totally a Daoist tract.

If you asked a 7-year-old to describe the basic principles of Hinduism, the 7-year-old will likely respond: “My dad’s birthday is in March.”

The module for first grade wants first graders to “explain the significance of gods/goddesses, ziggurats, temples, and priests in Mesopotamia” and “explain the significance of the Code of Hammurabi.”

For a point of reference, a first-grader is typically 6 years old. First grade is usually when students learn how to read possibly by reading Dick and Jane Violate the Code of Hammurabi. 

To expect a 6-year-old to “explain the importance of the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers and the use of canals to support farming and the development of the city of Babylon” may be a bit of an overreach considering that 6-year-olds still think Abraham Lincoln is alive and is my father.

The kindergarten module is about genocide and its implications on a global scale.

I’m joking.

The module for kindergarten has the expectations that kindergarteners will be able to  “describe the purpose of the Declaration of Independence as a statement of America’s liberty” and “explain Abraham Lincoln’s role during the U.S. Civil War.”

For a point of reference, a kindergartener is typically 5 years old; some start the school year at 4. In kindergarten, children start to learn the letters and sounds of the alphabet, like D is for the Declaration of Independence, a social contract that clearly delineated the rights of a people choosing to govern themselves and B is for barn.

In kindergarten, students practice the skills of cooperation and sharing. They hold hands when they walk to the nurse’s office and generally have difficulty finding their classroom when they drop their books off at the library. They usually don’t discuss the horrors of slavery, the dissolution of our country over that institution and Lincoln’s decision to go to  war to save the union

But what the fuck do I know? I’m only a teacher.

Speaker7 had to refer to Google heavily during this post having little to no familiarity about the Code of Hammurabi or the principles of Buddhism. Her elementary school teachers really sucked. All they did was taught her how to read, write and arithmetic. 

Love is Dead

I don’t know if you heard, but child bride Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchinson broke up.

djfkajgkalfjda;lfjas;fjas;fjds;afj

See? I can’t even write I’m so upset. . . and that’s not because I’m having difficulty coming up with things to write about.

When that 50+ actor, best known for playing a liver-eating serial killer on the X-Files, married that 16-year-old, best known for humping Santa Claus and pumpkins, it seemed they would be the “celebrity” couple who would defy the odds and make it.

Alas, Courtney called it quits when her bizarre behavior in public with Doug did not warrant enough attention to earn her a reality show because she wanted to explore her independence.

Get ready for a bizarro inappropriate flag photoshoot.

Wait, that already happened.

independentcourtneyIf you don’t mind, I’d like to take a walk down memory lane and remember the golden times of Dourntey Stutchinden:

lasvegaswedding

Their beautiful Las Vegas Wedding

The time they humped in a pumpkin patch.

The time they humped in a pumpkin patch.

The time they ruined Christmas.

The time they ruined Christmas.

The time they ruined Halloween.

The time they ruined Halloween.

The time they ruined the ocean.

The time they ruined the ocean.

The time they ruined eating.

The time they ruined eating.

Love is dead, people.

Speaker7 was spreadeagled on a car typing this with her boobs. It was very “sexy” which is a word that no longer has any meaning thanks to Dourtney Stutchinden.

Deep Thoughts with Speaker

This post is dedicated to Darla of She’s a Maineiac for giving me a post idea during this hell I call “Daily Posting Shitball Fuck.”

If you remember just a few short days ago I posted about How To Write a Daily Post. One of the suggestions was to create a post of pretty pictures coupled with platitudes. So this is mine. Prepare to be inspired:

inspirelemon

inspiration2

inspire3

inspire4

inspire5

inspire6

inspire7

inspire10

inspire11

inspirationorange

It is never too late to stop posting every day…except it is too late for Speaker7. She is part of the Nano Pablona Team this month of November posting as fast as a bear can shit in the woods. 

Me Write Good

Now that I’m writing daily, I figured this was an opportune time to analyze who I am as a writer.

I am not doing this because I’m desperately looking for something to write about only three days into NaBloWriMo, but because….um…yeah, I can’t even finish this sentence.

Analyzing takes a lot of work and takes away from the time I should be watching my son while he sticks legos into the garbage disposal. Luckily there is a website that does it for me: I Write Like.

You likely have heard of this site because it became super popular three years ago–this is why this blog is on the cutting edge, according to a search I performed in AltaVista.

The basic premise is you paste some of your stuff into a comment box and presto! you are told you write like a great artist such as a Norman Mailer or Nicole Polizzi.

As an aside, to get a Normal Mailer reading, you just have to write hateful things about women. To get Nicole Polizzi, you take a dump right on your screen.

It seems to pretty spot-on. For instance, I typed in this chestnut:

bigbutts

And it spit back this analysis:

wiliamshakespeare

I doth agree!

But how am I writing right now? It seems less William Shakespeare and more:

analexplosion

Let’s put it to the test shall we…

currentwriting

And the results:

lewiscarroll

Twas a brillig observation.

Speaker7, aka William Shakespeare, will be writing a daily post this month as part of the Nano Pablona Team. But soft, what light through yonder window breaks? It is the East and Hugo is the sun. 

Best Politician’s Wife

Today I will be going on a “lit drop.”

This is not to be confused with a “trou drop” the act where one drops one’s pants in public. This is where I go to strangers’ houses and drop campaign literature in the hopes that they do not notice and/or berate me. At these moments, I wish for the stealth of Santa Claus or that guy who drops his candy wrappers in my empty recycling bins without fail every trash day.

I may have mentioned Mr. Speaker7 is running for elected office. He has been going door-to-door since June. On Tuesday it all comes to a close.

I’ve been helping out by grumbling “I fucking hate this” the five seconds I see him during the week and doing this lit drop three days before election day. My joke is that I’m planning to vote for his opponents.

I think I will win as “Best Politican’s Wife.”

This is my second lit drop. I did another before the primary in September. One household had a sweet set of rusty chainsaws on their front porch. At another I had some bearded guy leer at me “You don’t have to worry about getting fat, you walk so fast.”

There’s a reason for that, Beard Guy, and it might have a little something to do with you.

I do so love the general public. This was why whenever a man-on-the-street reporting assignment came up, I was the first to run out onto a highway to get flattened by a tractor trailer. Ooh, really?!? Can I knock on people’s doors and ask them about the hotter-than-hellfire weather?

But I’m doing it again. I’m doing it because Mr. Speaker7 is a rarity in this political time. He believes government does provide services that can help a community grow and prosper. He believes government is a necessity in a functioning democracy.  His opponents believe government is the problem, and the only solution is to make it ineffective by rendering it useless. Cuts and privatization for all!

This guy knows what I’m talking about:

dafuk?

Right on, man. You do realize you’re standing on a road that was built by the government, right?

This month the Hon. Speaker7 will be writing a daily post as part of the Nano Pablona Team. They won’t all be winners, people, but hopefully Mr. Speaker7 will be. Don’t forget to vote on Tuesday. 

How To Write a Daily Post

So you’ve done something moronic, like made some blood oath about writing a daily post. At this point you’re likely thinking:

What the fucking shitballs did I just sign up for??!??

Easy, friend. We can get through this, if we follow these steps:

1. Quantity not quality is key. You’re not sculpting the Mona Lisa, which means you have little to no time to actually research anything or write with authority. Studies show that writing the word “boobs” a zillion times will attract a frat house. How do I know that? I just fucking made it up because I’m a moron who made some blood oath to write every day.

2. Revisit a post from the past. Unless you’re a writing god who was blessed with being Freshly Pressed on your first try, no one except your mom and maybe that dude you have locked in your prison dungeon read your first post. Nothing wrong with retreading on old ground. Nothing wrong with featuring this gem again:

wordpressstarterpost

3. Publish a single post as a trilogy. Have your read Fifty Shades of Grey? That trilogy has one plot point–two imbeciles boinking and murmuring at each other–and E.L. James stretched that shit out for 1,500,000 pages. There’s no reason you can’t do the same: For example:

part 1

part 2

part3

4. Post pretty pictures and make up some platitude to go with it. This is what comprises 95 percent of my Facebook newsfeed.

inspiration5. Be resigned to letting everything else in your life go into the toilet. Jobs and family are overrated compared to the glory and fame one can receive as an unpaid blogger. They will all still be there in December (maybe).

6. Use filler. Let’s be honest–no one’s really reading this whole thing, right? So why can’t you just stick in some gobbily-gook that they use in brochure templates to pad it out? Dolor aliquam mauris mauris lobortis dolorem convallis mauris. Euismod urna elit adipiscing pharetra nullam elit.

Speaker7 is part of the Nano Pablona Team, the team that will be taking over the world. . . She’s just been informed that the team is only supporting each other’s efforts in writing a daily post this month. Dolor aliquam mauris mauris lobortis dolorem convallis mauris.