Confessions of a Shopaholic

Two Front Teeth Would Be Preferable

The holiday season is upon us–actually it began seven weeks ago so if you haven’t started your shopping yet, you’re basically %$%!&. With the holiday season comes the joy of spending money on marvelous gifts for marvelous people you marginally like….ahem..marvously like.

I love shopping. Love, love, love it!!! The movie Confessions of a Shopaholic was completely based on my life although I cannot say that with the utmost certainty having never actually seen it. I’m that person who tramples over that other person to buy that StirChef™ Hands-free Saucepan Stirrer every Black Friday at every Walmart in the country. I don’t just shop till I drop, I drop other people while I shop because I want me some delicious crap made by the tiny, tiny hands of children in foreign lands.

Wait a sec…..oh, yes, that’s right. I hate shopping. Hate, hate, hate it!!! The movie Confessions of a Nonshopaholic would be a movie based on my life if it was written and directed by me and then sold to a studio and distributed nationwide.

I think why I hate shopping, and in particular holiday shopping, is because I never know what to buy other people. What do you mean you don’t want a Thigh Glider®?

This year may be different, thanks to LTD Commodities. They sent me their catalog because they must have known I needed help or possibly some website I shopped at sold my personal information to them–six of one, half-dozen of the other.

And this catalog is a white Christmas wonderland of non-island-of-misfit-toys splendor. So so much to chose from. Let’s take a walk down Candy Cane Lane together, shall we?

Shot Gun Shell Shot Glasses

Shot Gun Shell Shot Glasses – the name just rolls off the tongue especially when you have downed several shots of whiskey. This is marketed as “ideal serveware for your hunting lodge” and I couldn’t agree more, but it would be also perfect for every day use, baptisms and shotgun weddings.

Mom & Dad sweatshirts

D.A.D.D. & M.O.M.S Sweatshirts

The D.A.D.D. sweatshirts stands for Dads Against Daughters Dating and the M.O.M.S. for Mothers of Marvelous Sons. These are  “humorous.”  Yes.

On a side note, I appreciate that the catalog has labeled both the mom and the dad in the picture.

Call of Duty® Fleece Throw – Nothing softer or cozier than war.

“We’re Watching You”

Instructional Eye Shadow Sets – Learn smoky eye or experiment with your own color combination under the surveillant eye of Big Brother.

Smells just like fried chicken

Paula Deen Scented Candles – Captures that perfect Southern-fried Crisco scent.

Peace Sign Tables – Give peace a chance… to hold up your Paula Deen scented candles.

This is by no means a tired worn-out expression

Man Cave Stool – Allows one to “mark his male territory.” It will be easy to clean up any urine that hits the vinyl seat as one is marking his territory on the floor around the stool.

Football Team Bedroom Ensemble – To guarantee that you will never, ever score.

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