condoms

STDs and the Olds

This post was a suggestion by the remarkable Jen from Sips of Jen and Tonic. And Jen never steers me wrong…except when I jumped on that post-a-day bandwagon because now I’m writing about the elderly and genital warts. And I never wanted that to happen.

And yet here we are.

So STD rates are thrusting and thrusting hard in an upward direction among the elderly.

And scientists are like “Ew…old genitals.”

They asked some questions in their labs with the beakers and bunsen burners flaring:

Can one get chlamydia from bingo? 

Does watching Matlock lead to herpes?

Do early bird specials at Denny’s lead to syphillis?

So they studied and studied and rented Cocoon and hit upon a reason:

The elderly still have sex! Because they’re still human beings! And human beings like to grind against one another especially when the specter of death looms!

But the elderly think they’re past all that protection crap because of menopause and shit, and so there you have it.

The scientists proposed a solution:

Abstinence-only education and less Matlock.

I kid. That’s about as effectual as dentures made of paper.

So instead when Grandpa picks up his viagra prescription, Grandpa will also get a little chat about safe-sex.

It will likely go a little something like this:

Pharmacist: Here’s your viagra. It might be a good idea to also buy some condoms.

Grandpa: What?

Pharmacist: Condoms. You need them

Grandpa: Car plugs? What did you say? Speak up!

Pharmacist: CONDOMS!

Grandpa: Groundhogs?!? Are you crazy?

Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). This is the sixteenth post. She will never look at senior centers the same way again. 

Is my sister’s boyfriend or his brother my baby’s dad?

Who hasn’t asked themselves that very question at least once?

So Vicki slept with Jamal who is her sister Sara’s boyfriend, but she also slept with Dominque who is Jamal’s brother, and someone’s sperm connected with Vicki’s egg, which is where we get the succinct title for today’s Maury. Maury Povich has an endless supply of guests who find themselves in this predicament and an endless supply of manila envelopes in which to store the paternity results.  There is yelling and pointing. There is bleeping of words. There is a video feed of a small child who deserves his or her own episode  on Maury titled “Are These Really My Parents? Jesus Christ.”  There are sometimes back flips. It is “incredible” and “shocking” according to Maury, but probably not in the way he means.

Maury asks some good questions of Vicki, like: “What’s your relationship with your sister like now?”

Vicki: “It’s not like it’s used to be.” Yes.

In a pre-taped interview Sara comes to this realization: “I need to know if my niece is my boyfriend’s baby.” Yes.

And that is where we find ourselves now, waiting for Maury to reveal the results. Will Sara dump Jamal (Maury made sure to ask that. It’s too soon to say, says Sara)? Will Jamal punch Dominque? Possible. Will someone yell? Yes, there is always the yelling. There are also either one or 23 other couples in similar predicaments in this episode, but the yelling has caused them to blur together into a mess of lost dreams and unopened condoms.

And we will have to continue to wait because Maury is milking a second show out of this tomorrow. Here is my guess: Everyone loses.