chris harrison

A Pad of Plugs

Very intense episode of Bachelor Pad 3 last night, people.

Wait…what the bleep did I just write? I no longer know language thanks to my Fifty Shades recrapping so I apologize for any confusion I may have caused.

I meant to write: Everyone on the show is a butt plug.

Do I need to delve further or does that adequately sum up the second episode?

Well there was this:

It begins with every Friday night at every bar in America. Two drunk women are simultaneously crying and screaming at each other. “You called me a slut.”–“No I dint.” It’s fascinating. Except not at all.

It is the twins. They apparently argue a lot and drink a lot. And many of the reject bachelors and bachelorettes are annoyed by them, which says a lot since they are known as reject bachelors and bachelorettes.

This week’s challenge was selected to honor the Summer Olympics, says host Chris Harrison. And by honoring it, the Bachelor Pad contestants intend to defile it. The men and women will perform a rhythmic gymnastics routine. The worst performers will get an elimination vote cast against them, the best will receive an immunity rose.

Tony is not at all down with that. He wanted the challenge to be something more masculine or in his words, dude-like. I’m sorry to hear that Tony, but my main question is who are you? You are on this show? Okay.

So the routines are predictably awful. Erica Rose and Ed are selected as the losers, although really there are no winners on this show. Michael and Blakely win the immunity rose and a romantic three-person date just like grandma and grandpa and random guy 1 and guy 2 enjoyed in the days of yore. Michael and Blakely each have a rose they can give to save someone else.

Michael’s date is first. He chooses Rachel, Lindzi and Donna, one of the super fans. Donna, of the giant banana, digs Michael ever since she saw him humiliate himself on TV the first time.

The foursome arrives at a club, and it is obvious that the band performing has to be related to someone in the Bachelor franchise. I swear, more people attended my childhood play Who Done It? and that was performed in my grandparent’s bathroom. The lead singer emotes to the point where I fear I might see part of his lower intestine hanging from his ass while the crowd aimlessly mills around and watches Michael french kiss Rachel.

Donna, who declares this is the best date she will ever experience (Awww! So very, very sad.), tries to win Michael back by sharing a page from her Michael stalker notebook.

Michael likes it or he begins tonguing Donna to distract her from ever drawing anything again.

Michael gives the rose to Rachel. Next up is Blakely’s date. Blakely is partnered with Chris B, but Chris B. likes to make out with Jamie. He says it’s part of his “strategy,” keep friends close, but their vaginas closer.

Since Blakely has a rose up for grabs, he stealthily makes out with Blakely in her bed, which is a bunk bed she shares with Jamie. And Jamie sees them because duh. James Bond, this guy ain’t.

Blakely decides to take Chris B., Ed and Dave, the remaining male super fan, on the date. Dave almost starts to cry when she invites him, and, wow, do Americans just have so little to live for? Is this all there is? A Dorito taco from Taco Bell and the chance to go on a four-person date with a nobody? I am thoroughly depressed.

But I perk up when I see their group date is participating in a soap box derby or because I just finished half a bottle of wine. Could be the wine.

They decorate their cars and helmets. Dave goes for subtlety by making his car rose-themed.

Chris has a very measured reaction to that: “If David gets a rose, someone might die.” That would make it a way more interesting Bachelor Pad.

Dave has a heart-to-heart with Blakely and says he wished someone stood up for her on her last season, and his vote is hers. Meanwhile, Chris tells Ed he has no interest in Blakely and just wants the dough.

In a discussion with Blakely, Chris questions why she has trust issues. It’s really hard to be the biggest doucheball on Bachelor Pad–douchiness is a prerequisite–but Chris is close.

Blakely says she’s glad Dave is such a good friend and understands her so…dramatic pause…Chris will you accept this rose?

Back at the pad, people add semen to the bacteria-infested waters in the hot tub. The twins fight again and continue fighting through the night about really important issues:

One of the twins decide she’s leaving and since they play as one contestant, the other must depart as well. She says a tearful goodbye to Dave who is unconscious during the exchange:

Since the twins voluntarily left, no woman will be voted off. That leaves just the women voting for one man, and there is some pretend tension that Ed will be leaving, but it turns out to be Ryan, who wasn’t really featured on the show except to say he is a 32-year-old virgin. I hope he DVR’d that.

As I stated earlier, there are no winners.

A Pad of Rivals

I’m taking a momentary hiatus today from my Fifty Shades community service obligation to attend to an important issue. Don’t worry, gentle reader, I am almost certain Ana and Christian are happily poking things in their respective holes while I focus on something else.

So much has happened last night, and it would be amiss not to talk about it.

Bachelor Pad 3 premiered.

I’m going to give you a few seconds to let that sink in.

Wait–there was a Bachelor Pad 1 & 2?

Yes! But this one is waayyyyyyyyy more bachelorey. According to Doris Kearns Goodwin’s A Pad of Rivals, “(t)he sexiest, most outrageous and most controversial bachelors and bachelorettes in bachelor history are back.”

It’s true! There’s that guy who can open and close blinds, and the one who can sit contemplatively on steps. There’s the woman who has grown so much and the other who uses the word “frenemies” and looks like a bloated Paris Hilton. And then there’s that guy who drives up to the camera and says “I’m back.”

Okay, who are you exactly?

“I’m pretty sure America hates me,” he continues.

“I’m pretty sure I don’t know who you are,” says America.

This is him. Maybe you know him?

It’s me. I’m back! You know. Me. Right? It’s me. I’m that guy. Don’t you know me?

Wait…is that Ed Grimley?

Host Chris Harrison is standing in front of the mansion and he tells us for the ninth time that these are the most memorable people, which helps because I don’t remember anyone.

Now apart from the most memorable contestants in the history of this sentence, there are also some “lucky” fans who will get a chance to contract chlamydia from their most favorite bachelor reject.

There’s Paige who looks exactly like Ellie Kemper. “I’m so excited. Is this real life,” she says.

“No,” says Reality.

There’s Chris who is a SWAT officer and is shown shooting guns and tackling people. He loves The Bachelor franchise. He loves it so much that his judgement is clouded and he allows himself to be filmed watching The Bachelor. By himself. In a candlelit room. In his blue pajamas. Sipping wine so intensely I think his eyes are going to fall out.

Then there’s Donna. She parades around in bikinis. She believes The Bachelor was literally made for her, further cementing the truism that no reality television contestant knows what the word “literally” means. For further proof, check out my recap of Bachelor Pad 2. And yes, I lead a very fulfilling life while I watch this show in my Forever Lazy® guzzling my box of wine.

Then there’s David and he boxes and is literally four-feet-tall.

And finally, without further ado, I’ll lift up this latch and here’s Twin 1 and Twin 2. Now these twins are a hoot, they’re so so much fun, but to speak very plainly, they’re dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb.

The tension is mounting, someone unrecognizable says. I look in the dictionary to make sure “tension” still means the same thing.

First limo arrives, and it’s…the guy who can open and close blinds, Chris B. He’s here to heal. Sure.

Then it’s Lindsey and she was on that Bachelor starring the guy who looks grimier than John Mayer.

Ed arrives. “What am I doing here?” he asks Chris Harrison. He then sees Chris B. and Lindsey. “What’s going on here?” Hm. Does he really not know?

Then Nick shows up and he’s bright red and then there are so many people who are so controversial or unrecognizable.

Donna the fan arrives and she is all a-fluttery over Chris Harrison and shits herself when he says her name. Awww.

SWAT Chris takes a picture of himself with host Chris.

I seriously think these fans want to have a relationship with Chris Harrison. I would if I were on the show. He seems the most clean.

The twins become remarkably lucid upon entering the mansion. “I feel like so subhuman,” says Twin 1. “I honestly feel like I’m in Disneyland. I feel like I’m a robot.”

Ed, who still possibly might not know where or who he is, strips to his underwear and jumps in the pool.

Chris Harrison shows up to explain the game. The contestants pair up, compete in challenges. If you win, you get an immunity rose. Boys vote off a girl and girls vote off a boy. Some couple will win $250,000. No one leaves with their dignity intact.

First competition involves the couples cramming themselves like factory-farm chickens into these hearts. The hearts are suspended in mid-air and tipped forward every couple of minutes. Whichever couple stays the longest, wins.  This is “tense” and “memorable” and “exciting”.

The twins and boxing David win. Erica and her partner Unmemorable lose and immediately get one elimination vote cast against them. The Bachelor veterans are pissed because they hate the twins.

David and the twins go on a Bachelor-style date, and they reminisce about how much it reminds them of all these other Bachelor dates–Oh! This is like that date where Bentley gave Bloofely herpes!–…and jesus christ, young people. You know in my day, we kept our obsessions with reality television stars in the privacy of our own homes with our stalker shrines and vials of urine.

David strategizes with the twins. He thinks the fans should vote as a bloc to kick off Erica and Unmemorable. Not a bad strategy except he tells everyone–including Erica and Unmemorable.

This leads to a big confrontation between Erica and David where Erica speaks in a valley girl monotone that make her threats seem chillingly chill. “I think you’re an ugly loser and your plan is not going to work,” she drawls. “Who calls themselves a fan, like that’s pathetic.”

Another moment of lucid thinking.

People start campaigning as if they are Kelly Taylor vying for homecoming queen in an episode of Beverly Hills 90210. 

Rose ceremony time and SWAT Chris and Paige get kicked off. Donna is spared because of her giant breasts, David realizes his days are numbered and the twins stare off into space with their dead, dead eyes.

Upcoming challenge involves a spelling bee. Not to be missed.