catalogs

Christmas Crap-a-looza

Another Black Friday has come and gone.

Maybe you weren’t able to pummel someone in the face to get your hands on a $4.99 version of this:

Does it make sense that the model is not wearing her hair in a ponytail?

And for that I’m truly sorry.

But there still are some great deals to be had. And they’re all conveniently located in one spot: The LTD Commodities catalog!

Recently I received mine in the mail, and picked out my favorites, which I cut out and mailed ransom-note-style to Santa. I made it quite clear if I don’t receive these items, I will cut his bowl-full-of-jelly belly.

But I wasn’t just thinking of myself, I was thinking of you, and I wanted to share my knowledge to help you find the perfect present for that acquaintance you got stuck with in the secret santa drawing or a “loved” one.

What do you get for the man in your life or total stranger coworker who enjoys sitting on a tree stump to drink his coffee, but thinks outerwear is too cumbersome?

Men’s Performance Thermal Sets.

Maybe the man in your life or total stranger coworker is more of an indoorsy sort.

Have you ever witnessed a loved one or random coworker bite into an egg sandwich and just get the bread. And the loved one or random coworker was like “Fuuuuucccccckkkkkkkk!!!!!!! Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?”

Well, life just got better for this person. I give you…The Microegg™:

Maybe your loved one or random coworker likes to hunt, but does poorly because he covers his shaving accidents with Dora the Explorer band-aids.

This person desperately needs these:

Maybe your loved one or random coworker is more of a brainiac type who enjoys puzzles and boring you with facts about Star Trek convention hook-ups.

Then The Ultimate Book of Optical Illusions is the ultimate gift of ultimateness.

Maybe your loved or random coworker is a girl and finds tools all icky and hurty-like because “ow…my manicure.”

Then there’s this:

Maybe your loved one or random coworker is football fan, but not just a normal fan–one who borders on obsessive. Like when his team plays, he doesn’t just paint his face, he paints his balls in his team colors, and you know this and you die a little every day.

Then get this person this:

Maybe your loved one or random coworker is filled with pep and zing, always cheering your minor accomplishments like your ability to do a number 2 in the workplace.

Get back at this person with this:

Yup. You might know someone who would actually put this in his house and that’s okay because someone has to, I guess.

The boot lamp.

Maybe your loved one or coworker is really stressed out and stressed for time so this is the perfect combo gift:

Or maybe your loved one or random coworker is someone you don’t know very well so you just go ahead and get something Christmas-related because what the fuck else are you going to buy.

Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). She wrote this post in the dim light of her cowboy boot lamp.