casting

Casting Ana Steele

Who will play Ana Steele in the upcoming Fifty Shades of Grey movie?

This is a very powerful role. Ana is the most beguiling, charming, strong, intelligent, and ambitious woman on the planet.

Wait…what the fuck did I just write? (Thanks Le Clown for freeing me)

Christian Grey says those adjectives a bajillion times in the trilogy, but in no instances do we ever see these qualities in Miss Steele. (To read my recraps, click here) Instead we know that Ana is always “wet and ready” and she can come on Christian’s command, and she reads, and she is a brunette, and, she thinks “Holy crap” ad infinitum, and she judges other women, and she thinks Christian only likes her because he’s “fifty shades fucked up” and she sometimes walks around with vaginal balls in her “down there.”

A couple of names have been tossed about. (For Christian casting, click here) I believe they are all Emma or Emily, and I believe they have last names that distinguish them. But frankly, they will never do the part justice.*

*Full disclosure: I searched for Ana Steele casting on the Internetz and I fell asleep so I’m making most of this up.

Ana responds to commands and Scooby snacks quite well. It makes one surmise that maybe this actress should take the part:

You are right, Lassie. You actually save people–and not with your magical dog vagina.

A dog is a good choice, but perhaps one that is more slobbery and dum. Like Odie from the comic Garfield. Odie continually gets kicked off the table by Garfield, but always comes back for more.

Sorry Odie, no offense.

Maybe the ideal candidate is one that is not actually life-like, but truly encompasses the essences of Anabella Steele.

Here are my top five picks

5. A wet piece of bread.

What can one do with a wet piece of bread? Nothing.

Totally nailed it.

4.  A pair of holey underwear.

Many times, Christian pokes his fingers through Ana’s underwear and they disintegrate (the underwear, not his fingers). This seems like ideal casting. The underwear is partially gone. It chaffs one’s ass. It’s annoying as lasagna-eating cat. It has no value.

Bingo.

3. A used tissue

Yup.

2. The watery stuff that shoots out of the ketchup bottle that makes one curse because it’s gross and who the fuck wants that slimy shit on one’s hamburger.

I call this Ketchup Spooge. The same thing I call Ana Steele.

1. E.L. James

Yes, Dr. Frankenstein, you have created a monster. A monster you should play. A monster, I think, you want to play. Have at it, you gajillionaire hack.

Next up: brain transplants.

Casting Call: Christian Grey

Who will portray the venerable protagonists Ana Steele and Christian Grey in the upcoming Fifty Shades of Grey movie?

This has been quite the guessing game with such actors like Matt Bomer and Ian Somerhalder being bandied about for the part of the dashing and enigmatic Christian Grey. Frankly I don’t think either will do the part justice.*

*Full disclosure: I have no idea who either person is.

I feel I know Christian intimately from reading all three books in the trilogy (for recraps, click here). I know he smolders. I know he curls his lips and arches his brow. I know he wears his pants off his hips in just that way. I know he likes to stick his fingers in various holes to check Ana’s humidity.

To portray Christian Grey, one must possess the charm of Girls Gone Wild magnate Joe Francis, the brawn of performer Chris Brown and the soul of former Hogwarts’ student Voldemort.

I think it’s obvious that Hugo is the clear choice to take on this role.

Unfortunately Hugo is busy with other projects. He is starring as Mrs. Pearce in a local production of My Fair Lady.

But there are still several other worthy candidates to delve into the fifty shades of fuckupity that makes Christian Grey so fascinating.*

*Full disclosure: I do not know what fascinating means.

I present my top five choices:

5. Mr. Potato Head

First of all, try to name someone hotter. Didn’t think so. Second, he possesses the capabilities of being able to raise his eyebrows and curl his lips by the simple act of inserting the correct pieces. His arms have Christian’s talon-fingers-like quality. And B, when he wore pants, it would make sense that Ana comments on this fact 5,346 times (in the first book alone) since the pants would swim around his blue shoes.

4. Mr. Peanut

Mr. Peanut is wealthy as evidenced by his sexy monocle. He is an icon in the peanut industry much in the same manner Christian Grey is an icon in his bullshit made up company of nonsense. He also tastes salty, and I’ve just been informed by Ana that is exactly how Christian tastes. And he’s nuts. Just envision the tagline on the movie poster: Is Ana’s magical vag strong enough to crack his shell?

3. A bottle of Axe Body Spray

Ana is always stupiding about Christian smelling like Christian-smell. I interpret that to mean Axe Body Spray. Commercials have led me to believe that women cannot resist the smell of cheap cologne mixed with sweaty desperation, and nearly every woman (except the lesbians) in the books go limp in the panties at the sight of Christian Grey. My only quibble is that the bottle should be completely gray. Get it? Get it? Yeah, I don’t either.

2. Ted Bundy as played by Mark Harmon since Ted Bundy is dead

I think it’s pretty obvious that Christian Grey hates women, yes? Oops! I mean he loves them. *Sigh* He is so dreamy especially in the way he abuses loves Ana. I do think there’s a 98% chance that he’s likely killed a few of his submissives “accidentally,” for example accidentally dropping the cattle prod into the bathtub. But I’m sure he did it in a really charming, sexy way so no biggie. Tee-hee!

1. Nosferatu

He is the total package. He’s rich. His fingers are actually claws–not just talon-like. He is as sexy as a package of Necco wafers coated in asbestos. He sparkles. . . wait I’ve just been informed that is not a characteristic of real vampires. And he kills people. This is Christian Grey, people. Sign this man…er…monster up. That’s a wrap!

Next up: Who will portray the grease stain that is Ana Steele?