We Had a Good Run, America

In a few days, it will be a new year, and some believe this is the year the world ends.

I’m not convinced. I consulted both my box of bones and magic eight ball, and they tell a different story, a story I’m not willing to share so close to Christmas (only 364 shopping days left!).

What is certain, is that America is done. Over. Kaput. Pfffttttttttt……..

Scientific proof:

Even looking at it hurts my ear drums (credit: saddest photographer in the world).

Roads and bridges are falling apart. Our food and products are filled with high fructose corn syrup and plasticized high fructose corn syrup-flavored corn syrup. Our schools are failing, and our children are so morbidly obese, their fingers get mistaken for hot dogs by the pack of wild dogs roaming our foreclosed suburbs. Even truck nutz look more shriveled than ever.

photo credit: world's saddest nutz sackz photographed by the world's second saddest photographer.

We had a good run…..well, except for slavery, Jim Crow, the extermination of the native people, the subjugation of women, stirrup pants, American Idol and celebrities who are famous for sex videos.

That’s it? We’re over just like that? I can change.

I don’t know….I feel like I’ve heard this from you before, America, and then you made me watch Bristol Palin on Dancing with the Stars, Season XXVIICCXXMM.

Give me a second chance.

This is more like your 477th. I’m still pissed about this:

Okay, here are a few things you can do to clean up your act. Consider them your New Year’s resolutions:

1. Fix shit. Remember how Wall Street f***** you over and made billions while everything crumbled? Still happening. Unlike you, they don’t want to change….ever.

2. Refuse to let John Boehner be a congressman until he does something about the orange hue of his skin and his incessant crying. Oh, and his horrible awful vomit-inducing grand-standing and scorched-earth policies. . . I’m amending this to refuse to let nearly every politician be an elected representative, and advocate for the election of Sesame Street muppets in their place.

3. Immediate deportation of anyone who uses the expression “Just sayin'” after they just f****** said something. “I think 9/11 was pretty bad, but tacos are yummy. Just sayin.'”

We’ll start here, and see how the year goes.

Of course this could still happen:

 

The Siren Call of the GOP

I’m not exactly the most up on my political news mainly because whenever I hear politicians speak, I began convulsing and frothing at the mouth. That’s why I get most of my news from Bachelor Pad. But for some reason tonight, I hear the sweet siren call of the Republican presidential debate, and I am compelled to tune in for what likely will lead to a full-on seizure.

Republicans are fun. They wear flag lapel pins. They talk about freedom and come up with new names for French fries. They like guns, Jesus and fetuses, but babies not so much.

I am not registered with a political party, but I should probably let you know that I f****** hate the Republican Party. So if you are a subscriber who juices on Republican talking points, I suggest you read no further and refrain from commenting in the comment section about Obama being the Antichrist and Democrats are Nazi Socialists and I’m a liberal, bed-wetting, crybaby AntiChrist-loving pukeface even though all those things are true.

I am not a fan of the Democratic Party either. I’m completely disillusioned by this presidency and have no hope for the future, but I still hate them less than Republicans. Here’s my analogy: The Democratic Party is like that guy you date who is kind of blah and you believe there’s probably someone better, but you stick with the blah guy because at least he’s not that awful and he sometimes says nice things, but sometimes does things that are the complete antithesis of what he says. The Republican Party is like that guy who is a total f****** douchebag.

So, yeah, things are bleak. I’m mainly biding my time until I hear the words President Bristol Palin. But until then, let’s meet the next possible president of the United States. Squee!!!

The frontrunners:

Rick "I make George W. Bush look like a mensa candidate" Perry

 

 

 

 

Mittens Romney

Crazy Eyes

 

 

 

 

other candidates:

Rick Santorum

Ron Somethingorother, the media continues to pretend he is not real

Collective random awful guys

Okay, it’s on. And I’ve missed a significant portion of the beginning. It takes some time drawing these elaborate pictures. Here is what was said in the beginning by all the candidates…blah blah Ronald Reagan blahdebloo blahdeblee, hey you there, vote for me!

Now please read this substantive summary of what was said:

Rick S. – “I’m the best.” Jobs. His last name means this.

Pizza guy – eliminate tax code, 9-9-9 tax on everything. Pizza! Pizza! Pizza!

Gov. Random Orange Face – China question. Booorrrrrrrr-iiinnnggggggggg.

Michele Bachmann – “Obamacare! Obamacare!” She went to restaurants. These restaurants aren’t hiring this one 17-year-old for a summer job. She raised 5 kids and 23 (!) foster kids. “Kids need jobs.” Clearly her kids do.

Ron Somethingorother – …

Juice Newton Gingrich  – Obama is a socialist and class warfarist. Check Newton out on Twitter, Newton is beloved on Twitter.

Mittens ala Orange Face- his polka-dot tie is hypnotizing me. I can’t concentrate on what he’s saying. He’s talking about ???

Rick P. -Those folks, focus on stuff, social security is a ponzi scheme *shit-eating grin*

Okay so I’m posting before the debate ends, but I’m confident it will end in this way blah blah Ronald Reagan blahdeblee blahdebloo, we are all doomed.