Breaking Dawn 2

Speaker7 Reviews Breakin’ Dawn 2: Electric Boogaloo

I saw Breaking Dawn 2 last night and it was soooooooooo good.

Full disclosure: I have not seen this movie.

I wore my Team Sparkleballs T-shirt and purchased a giant box of Good & Plenty, which I instantly Twilightized.

I made a few predictions before the movie started:

  • actors will look seriously at one another while breathing heavily out of their mouths
  • Taylor Lautner will appear shirtless
  • Kristen Stewart will eat her hair at some point
  • Robert Pattinson will look constipated

And it begins….Bella Swan Cullen, fresh off her breakin’ pop ‘n lock victory where she popped out a kid by breaking every bone in her body, has brown hair.

Edward Cullen also has brown hair. It sticks straight up.

Bella has changed. Her friend Ozone notices when he stops by to give her the heartbreaking news that Miracles, the community center, is going to be bull-dozed by the city and redeveloped.

Bella says she’s still the same down girl who rocked the street crowds back in the day.

Bella wants to save the community center. So does her friend Jacob because he is destined to be with Bella’s young daughter. This is the thing where adult werewolf men “imprint” on baby girls in the manner of a dog “imprinting” on its territory and they’re going to eventual copulate, and that is in no way gross, right?

See Turbo gets it.

Then the movie gets really interesting. The developer is also a vampire and he dresses like Meryl Streep’s character in The French Lieutenant’s Woman. 

So Bella, Edward, Ozone and Turbo get together all their friends to put on a show to raise money to stop the developer.

Now I don’t want to give the ending away, but let’s just say Edward does a mean dolphin, which is surprising since he’s made out of marble.  

All in all, an epic romp filled with inexplicable dance montages and weird running. I give it 3 vampire baseballs*

*this rating system does not exist

Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). If you have any suggestions that don’t involve actually watching anything Twilight-related, please leave them in the comments.