BlogHer

Ghosts of Writing Past

My WordPress draft folder is a minefield of missed opportunities.

Missed Opportunity #1:

What did I mean when I created a post titled “The State of Florida Loves Me” and then wrote nothing else?

floridahateI guess we’ll never know since I have no recollection of even creating this post. 

Missed Opportunity #2

I thought I had come up with a pretty good idea with this title:

Screen Shot 2013-11-14 at 3.22.09 PM

Attention-grabbing, yes? I came up with that snazzy title a few days before last year’s NaBloWriMo.

And what were my fantastic ideas?

This:

cattleprod

Pretty compelling, although I think I could really win if I ran on that platform given what passes for politicians these days (Mr. Speaker7 excluded).

Missed Opportunity #3

I could have joined Des on her journey toward finding fabricated marketing synergy on the latest incarnation of The Bachelorette. Instead I have a draft post filled with random notes taken during the premiere episode.  I’m 98 percent sure I was a bit intoxicated when I typed these:

  • People are saying words that follow the basic construct of sentences, but there is little to no meaning.
  • “Does your fairytale have a happy ending?” Chris Harrison opines. Are these people unfamiliar with fairytales? They’re bloody as shit, the real ones anyway. People eating children, fathers lopping off sons’ heads.
  • drilling fluid engineer is a naked coffee drinker…now I can die
  • dental student states: “I’m a Renaissance man”
  • wow it’s so surreal and boring and mouskatools.
  • guy brings a dead bird bone
  • hashtag dork
  • inside, the men circle jerk
  • creepy banker nicknames her Venus. I come up with a nickname “Pathetic loser” Nailed it.
  • date rapist sent home early for trying to date rape Des all night

Sorry, no rose for you, gentle reader

Missed Opportunity #4

This had no title. I’m guessing I wanted to write something about lapses in judgment, but could only churn out this:

This was a lapse in judgment. This can happen some time.

For instance, someone in the employ of Huffington Post created this news banner:

sex news

Just what is “sex news” anyways? **Breaking SEX NEWS: Sir Mix-A-Lot Still Prefers Big Butts**

I think a “Sex News” post has to happen in the future.

Missed Opportunity #5

My son said this to me: “You’re sick in the mouth.”

I’m not quite sure what he meant, but I thought I could piece together a post about “Things My Son Tells Me”…but then I got sick in the mouth and abandoned it.

Missed Opportunity #6

This title came after seeing a picture of a Facebook “friend” in black face and other “friends” liking and commenting.

whitepeopleAnd only this simple missive:

blackface

What drafts do you have lingering about?

Speaker7 has a couple drafts of this post, but this one turned out to be the best. Sorry. Speaker7 continues to slog through this hellish long month of November as a member of the Nano Poblano team.

Fifty Shades of Movie Magic

I was delighted when I saw the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly:

ewcoverFinally, the first of many issues heralding the arrival of this movie. Being a big fan of the books, I tore through the magazine pages, reading voraciously and savoring every morsel I could.

I understand it will be difficult to condense E.L. James 600-paged behemoth down to a two-hour film. Will they cut out one of the 1,200 email exchanges? Or one of the 4,507 times Christian orders Ana to eat? Or one of the 35,678 times Christian remarks on Ana’s wetness.

God, I hope not.

In the magazine, the stars were interviewed about their thoughts on the film.

fiftyshadesactorsFor the uninitiated, Fifty Shades of Grey is a steamy trilogy about a virginal sockpuppet who falls in love with a controlling oil-retention enema. They murmur and stick things in holes. It’s awesome or–to use Virginia of Lame Adventures, new word for “awesome”– semi-flaccid.

Semi-flaccidly enough, my copy of Entertainment Weekly happened to include a few pages of the script. I first inserted a butt plug into my ear canal to further cement the brain damage I underwent from reading the books and began to read.

Oh my, gentle reader, oh my.

Prepare to be shaded by some grey, whatever the fuck that means.

First Scene:

firstscene

firstscene2

Ana and Christian’s first meeting

firstmeeting

firstmeeting2

Ana and Christian’s Interaction at Claytons Hardware

claytons1

clayton2

I give this film two thumbs up the butt!

Speaker7’s inner goddess is responsible for this post even though her inner goddess is not a member of the Nano Poblano Team. 

Home Again Home Again Jiggety Jig

Well fuck a duck, I am back in the world I belong.

The real one?

With people? And their breathing? And farting?

Awful.

It’s just too much arm flesh and air molecules and tote bags. We are much safer here, readers. Let’s never leave again.

I have a few stories from my roadtrip to the “Insurance Capital of the World” where I librarianed it up for 2.5 days that I wanted to share with you because duck a fuck, this month will never end.

I got to see Jon Scieszka in person!!!! Squeee!!!

And–I shit you not–but I got Adam Gidwitz’s autograph!

It’s likely you have no idea who I’m talking about (Alice might), but to a pack of middle-aged librarians, these guys are the the 12-year-old girl’s version of One Direction.

Jon Scieszka wrote The True Story of the Three Little Pigs and The Stinky Cheese Man and Other Fairly Stupid Tales, which if you haven’t read, you must read now.

Go.

You don’t have either? Go to your library then.

Yes I mean right now.

Okay, are you done?

Rock star, right?

Adam Gidwitz wrote my favorite new series A Tale Dark & Grimm, in which he basically un-Disneyfies all these Grimm tales and we get back to the head removal and children eating.

In other conference news, I was woken from a crappy sleep at 2:30 a.m. by a man, and I believe, two women drunkenly trying to get into the room next door. It appeared from my vantage point in front of the peep hole that they could not conquer the difficult task of inserting the key card into the key slot so that other things could be inserted into other slots.

It also appeared as if the bloke did not know the two women (or woman) all that well although one attempted to mount his back several times. She then would let out a peal of laughter that caused my teeth to rattle out of my head and drop to the floor.

I thought to myself: Was I going to audibly witness my first threesome?

After what appeared to be 20 minutes, the guy opened the door and pushed the woman or women inside and said good night.

A minute or so later, one of the room’s occupants attempted to get out again, but was stymied by the door latch. She gets an A for effort though since she bashed that door against the doorframe about 50 times.

Travel fun!

Speaker7 is glad to be back home with consistent Internet access so she can continue to churn out slop posts as a member of Nano Poblano Team. Only 13 left to go!

Jesus…is that true?

First Lady Speaker7’s Initiative

As you may remember, my husband recently won a seat on our legislative body.

This makes me the First Lady-elect of my town.

It has already affected me in many ways. For instance now I’m slightly embarrassed when I’m approached by a constituent in the supermarket and I’m wearing sweatpants covered in dinner stains and cannot remember the last time I ran a brush through my hair. I figure I can correct this with a strand of pearls or a pillbox hat.

I also am aware I need to champion a cause. Michelle Obama has Let’s Move, a campaign designed to improve our health. Laura Bush started the National Book Festival to promote literacy. Nancy Reagan just said no a lot about something…I think fried eggs?…the 80s are very cloudy.

I have to keep in mind that for the most part I prefer little to no social interaction and I lose interest quickly if presented with something shiny like a pinwheel so I need to pick something that will not take a lot of effort.

So my cause is to eradicate certain expressions from the English language. . . just sayin’.

Speaker7’s Let’s Never Use These Words Again First Lady Initiative:

1. Just Sayin’.

As in: I just said this. . .  just sayin’. Ooh…thanks for clearing up that you were just saying something. I wasn’t quite sure what was happening when your mouth was moving and the sound was coming out. I thought that you were about to birth the next Athena from your forehead, but you were talking?

Here’s the thing, I know that you just said something because you fucking just said something.

2. YOLO

In a way I’m grateful that I only live once so I don’t have to go through another lifetime hearing this fucking phrase. This is just a way for people to excuse their idiocy.

yolo

3. I’m not a racist but. . .

Invariably something racist ALWAYS follows the expression “I’m not racist but. . .” All this qualifier does is broadcast that something pretty racist and terrible is coming soon. For example “I’m not racist, but yogurt is my favorite food.” And now I can’t eat yogurt anymore because you’ve just made it racist.

Same thing for “I’m not sexist but. . .”

4. No offense

This expression is used when you absolutely do mean to offend someone, but want the appearance of politeness. For example “No offense, but I think you and all your family members including your ancestors and future descendants are pieces of shit” seems far more polite than “You’re a piece of shit,” but no less offensive.

5. Totes

Really? I could get it if “totally” had the same number of syllables as supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, but it’s just two more measly syllables. I could see if you had just stuck your tongue to a frozen pole during a YOLO moment and it hurts to talk, but otherwise just say the whole word please or else I will totes punch you in the face.

6. Donald Trump

I feel with great certainty that if we stop saying his name, he will go away. Like a dung beetle drawn to a fragrant cowpie, The Donald is drawn to the media limelight. Or we can call him Donald Dump because that amuses me.

donalddumpWhat words or expressions do you hate?

Speaker7 is totes writing a daily post during this month as a member of Nano Poblano because you only live once. . .just sayin’. Get ready for First Half-Man Puppet Hugo’s Initiative.

Half-Way There

I swear when I participated in NaBloWriMo last year, November was shorter–like they combined Saxophone Day with Make Your Own Head Day to create Make Your Own Head Resemble a Saxophone Day.

There were less days.

I thought I would feel better getting to the halfway mark, but I’ve mainly been feeling this:

There’s still 15 more to go, and I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel here. All that’s left are a few monkey turds from the time when it was fun.

I’m still out in the real world (i.e. without Internet access) so I’m recycling my gif gimmick for today.

Speaker7 Presents How Speaker7 Will Get Through The Next 15 Days:

Speaker7 is writing…um….stuff? Okay, that works. So she’s. . .uh….yeah I’ve got nothing. But check out other members of the Nano Poblano team over at rarasaur, they likely have something.

Ssshhhh!!! I’m Writing a Post About Librarians

For the next two days, I will be attending a librarian conference and will be without Internet access.

Let me just repeat that.

I will be without Internet access for two days during NaBloWriMo. I am committed to a daily post and I will be without Internet access for two days.

Any way, you may be wondering what exactly happens at a librarian conference.

Well there’s workshops on all kinds of stuff, like:

  • bun accessorizinghotbuns
  • Shushing techniquesshushingtechnique
  • Dewey Decimal Trivia

deweygame

  • Primal Scream Therapy sessions directed at Googleprimalscreamtherapy

It’s not all work.

There’s alloted time to get to know other librarians and socialize:

socializing

Speaker7 will not be able to comment for a few days but it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t love you. She does, however, hate NaBloWriMo.

Here Lies Speaker7

The anniversary of the afternoon I shot out of my mother’s birth canal is this week.

For some reason, my mother felt this was the appropriate time to take a tour of the cemetery to pick out our family burial plot.

birthdaydeath

There are possible more morbid ways to ring in another year of life.

We could have gone casket shopping:

casketshoppingOr attended a slideshow lecture on organ putrefaction.

You will thank me for this.

You will thank me for this.

I haven’t been excited about my birthday for awhile. My knees are creakier, my memory is shoddier and my knees are creakier.

My husband says “Well, it’s better than the alternative.”

Now I know the alternative will be a hole on a hill or a hole near the main thoroughfare.

My mother wanted to know what my dying self preferred. I tried to imagine where I’d like to be once I shuffled off this mortal coil.

urnthinkingSpeaking of cremation, did you know you that you can get an urn in the likeness of your head?

Not the slightest bit creepy.

Not the slightest bit creepy.

hugolikesI’m shocked that Hugo has inserted himself into this moment. He seems to think he has the final decision over what happens to me in the end.

hugoplansMy husband is right. Getting older is wayyyyyyyyy better.

At this moment of publishing Speaker7 is even closer to her demise. What a better way to spend her remaining days, but writing a daily post as a member of the Nano Poblano Team?

Deep Thoughts with Hugo

You may have seen an earlier post in this scorching hemorrhoid known as NaBloWriMo where I inspired the world.

Well Hugo has been busy coming up with his own inspiration. For new readers, Hugo is a creepy half-man puppet who lives in my house. Do not look directly into his eyes.

I apologize in advance:

hugodeepthought2

hugodeepthought5

hugodeepthought

hugodeepthought4

hugodeepthought7

hugodeepthought6

hugodeepthought3Hugo is helping Speaker7 get through this shitfuck month of writing a daily post as a member of Nano Poblano Team. Theres’s a 97 percent chance that Hugo is lurking outside your window this very moment. 

Uncommon Core

The Common Core is the new traveling circus act that will save public education. The standards were the initiative of Achieve, a group of governors and corporate leaders, that felt students were not being adequately prepared for life after high school.

Notice that the profession of teacher is absent from that group. No biggie.

The majority of states have adopted the Common Core Learning Standards.

In New York State, these new standards were adopted the same year the new teaching standards were implemented. If you didn’t know, teachers are now evaluated on how their students perform on tests, in break dance competitions, in skeet shooting tournaments, in HVAC repair and the Hunger Games.

In other words, teachers were a bit stressed. But thankfully the state stepped in and paid $12.9 million to outside corporations to develop lesson modules around the Common Core.

What’s even better is a single lesson unit is only 300 pages long and includes such helpful tips as how to speak to little humans.

For example, let’s say you want your students to look at a chunk of text, the module will direct the teacher or actor to state: “Look at this text. What do you notice about it?”

All this time, I had been saying “Tree! I like pretzels crushed in my hair. Pigeons dance sometimes” when I’ve wanted students to look at a chunk of text. Had I known that I needed to actually say “Look at this text” I could have saved a lot of time, time I spent instead on brushing pretzel crumbs out of my hair. Thanks corporation!

The real gem of these multi-million dollar modules is the content. It’s as if the content was written by people who had never met a child or been a child themselves or been in a school or taught anything other than a hamster how to bubble in a state assessment.

For example, the second grade module wants second graders to be able to “describe the basic principles of Hinduism and Buddhism” and “describe the teachings of Confucius.”

That is fucked up.

–Confucius

For a point of reference, second graders are typically 7 years old with only a tiny bit of exposure to world religons that they may have gained from reading Green Eggs and Ham. That is totally a Daoist tract.

If you asked a 7-year-old to describe the basic principles of Hinduism, the 7-year-old will likely respond: “My dad’s birthday is in March.”

The module for first grade wants first graders to “explain the significance of gods/goddesses, ziggurats, temples, and priests in Mesopotamia” and “explain the significance of the Code of Hammurabi.”

For a point of reference, a first-grader is typically 6 years old. First grade is usually when students learn how to read possibly by reading Dick and Jane Violate the Code of Hammurabi. 

To expect a 6-year-old to “explain the importance of the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers and the use of canals to support farming and the development of the city of Babylon” may be a bit of an overreach considering that 6-year-olds still think Abraham Lincoln is alive and is my father.

The kindergarten module is about genocide and its implications on a global scale.

I’m joking.

The module for kindergarten has the expectations that kindergarteners will be able to  “describe the purpose of the Declaration of Independence as a statement of America’s liberty” and “explain Abraham Lincoln’s role during the U.S. Civil War.”

For a point of reference, a kindergartener is typically 5 years old; some start the school year at 4. In kindergarten, children start to learn the letters and sounds of the alphabet, like D is for the Declaration of Independence, a social contract that clearly delineated the rights of a people choosing to govern themselves and B is for barn.

In kindergarten, students practice the skills of cooperation and sharing. They hold hands when they walk to the nurse’s office and generally have difficulty finding their classroom when they drop their books off at the library. They usually don’t discuss the horrors of slavery, the dissolution of our country over that institution and Lincoln’s decision to go to  war to save the union

But what the fuck do I know? I’m only a teacher.

Speaker7 had to refer to Google heavily during this post having little to no familiarity about the Code of Hammurabi or the principles of Buddhism. Her elementary school teachers really sucked. All they did was taught her how to read, write and arithmetic. 

Love is Dead

I don’t know if you heard, but child bride Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchinson broke up.

djfkajgkalfjda;lfjas;fjas;fjds;afj

See? I can’t even write I’m so upset. . . and that’s not because I’m having difficulty coming up with things to write about.

When that 50+ actor, best known for playing a liver-eating serial killer on the X-Files, married that 16-year-old, best known for humping Santa Claus and pumpkins, it seemed they would be the “celebrity” couple who would defy the odds and make it.

Alas, Courtney called it quits when her bizarre behavior in public with Doug did not warrant enough attention to earn her a reality show because she wanted to explore her independence.

Get ready for a bizarro inappropriate flag photoshoot.

Wait, that already happened.

independentcourtneyIf you don’t mind, I’d like to take a walk down memory lane and remember the golden times of Dourntey Stutchinden:

lasvegaswedding

Their beautiful Las Vegas Wedding

The time they humped in a pumpkin patch.

The time they humped in a pumpkin patch.

The time they ruined Christmas.

The time they ruined Christmas.

The time they ruined Halloween.

The time they ruined Halloween.

The time they ruined the ocean.

The time they ruined the ocean.

The time they ruined eating.

The time they ruined eating.

Love is dead, people.

Speaker7 was spreadeagled on a car typing this with her boobs. It was very “sexy” which is a word that no longer has any meaning thanks to Dourtney Stutchinden.