blogging

NaNoFaLaTiDo

I am foolishly participating in this thingy where I write a post every day this month. I think it should go well because I used the word “thingy” in the previous sentence and this shows my creative juices are thingy.

I did this last year with Jen of the illustrious Sips of Jen and Tonic, the most hilarious blog on the nets of Inter. I had thought the endeavor would be a tad easier than NaNoWriMo, the national novel writing month, but it turned out writing a daily post was about as fun as trying to come up with an analogy for this sentence. A lemon juice enema? A Miley Cyrus tongue bath? A Miley Cyrus tongue enema?

I still got it.

I believe I’ve conned Jen into doing NaBloWriMo because we have a beautiful masochistic relationship.

There are many reasons why I will fail and you will likely not see another post after this one:

  1. Now that it gets dark so early, I feel it completely unnecessary to be awake past 6 p.m.
  2. My husband is running for local office and the last time I saw him was on a campaign flyer asking for my vote.
  3. There is a small person who demands most of my time. His name is Hugo. I also have a three-year-old son.

cutiepie4. Obamacare

5. They have come out with an Angus Beef version of Hot Pockets

Jen had asked me what I planned to write about and I replied “Hot pockets.”

I still got it.

Speaker7’s Journey

So it begins again, dear reader. On May 27th, ABC will roll out its stained red carpet and gas up its dirty limo for another installment of The Bachelorette or what I like to call The Loss of Hope.

This season’s “star” is Desiree, a woman tossed aside by Bland The Blandest Bachelor because her brother called Bland “a player.” The correct verbiage is “douchetool.”

I watched a promotion on ABC’s “news” website because all news is entertainment at this point. Another ABC product churned out by Sylvester McMonkey McBean’s Star-Off Machine (re: American Idleautotunes in the background while we glimpse Desiree’s “journey.” It’s as inspiring as a turd’s journey from bowel to sewage treatment plant. As to be expected, there is this:

sadnessI already know what will happen. Men will call each other “bro.” Desiree will profess “This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do” while she sends home a man as remarkable as a used tissue. And Chris Harrison will earn substantially more money than cancer researchers for saying things like: “There is one rose left.”

This got me thinking about my own “journey.” In the past, I have watched the rectal sausage produced by the ABC meatprocessing plant, and produced recraps that some find enjoyable and some find lead to acute gastroenteritis. Am I ready to start all over again and accept a mildewed rose?

I guess it comes down to my vision for this blog. It began as a mechanism to force me to write. I would continually say how much I wanted to be a writer, and then plop myself down in front of the TV for hours.

Unlike my other blog, The Official How To Blog, this blog seems rather rudderless. Do I want it to be a recrapping blog? A commentary on current events? A marketing platform for the Shakeweight™?

These are the questions that keep me up at night–or at least until 8:30 p.m. when I crash because I have the constitution of a newborn.

So I leave the question to you, dear reader. I will put forth the effort, but only if you desire it, and I won’t feel hurt if you have reached your limit.

Do you want to read the alcohol-infused ramblings of brainless meat sacks on their “journey” to find “love” and guest appearances  at wet T-shirt contests? Have you grown tired of my recycled jokes where I describe the multitude of objects I will use to bash in my skull? Or is it time we moved on. . . maybe to more serious topics like Tanning Mom’s music video?

Before you decide à la poll, I present you with this:

knight

A Peen on Fire

If you have read the latest issue of Us Weekly, you would be aware that I have taken on the duties as the first official A Clown On Fire Wrangler™.

If you haven’t read the latest issue of Us Weekly, then you will be wondering what the fuck that may be.

You are not alone. I’m still trying to figure out my title.

For one of my first official acts, I have landed a coveted interview with a part of his Magnificence™.

Please stop by.

Oh–and there’s also this incentive:

mysteryhugo

Shameless7 Speaker7 Plug7

I have a new post up at The Official How To Blog, which is the most official how to blog on the Internet.

prettyofficial

You can read it here.

Aw…don’t cry…sshhh…sshhh…it’s okay. I’m still going to be Speaker7. In fact, I plan to watch the ladies from The Bachelor vocal fry at one another while I bury a corkscrew into my temple, and recrap it all for you tomorrow. It will be…um…

Is pfftttt the right word? Possibly.

This new venture o’ mine is a chance to impart knowledge–albeit possibly bad knowledge–to the world. And if you have a little whatsit whatsit to share, consider writing for The Official How To Blog. You can put it on your resume and people will be like “Shit. This person is, like, super official and shit.”

There might even be an “I blogged for The Official How To Blog and All I Got Was This Stupid Piece of Shit Badge” badge. It will be…um…

Is pfftttt the right word?

“Celebrity” Apprentice

I think I need an assistant.

I’m finding it difficult to juggle the demands of writing this sentence with watching Adam Richman scarf down an entire family of four on Man v. Food.

I want to be able to explore the craters my tonsils left in the back of my throat. For instance maybe I can top my marbles-in-the-mouth record of 47.

And I need all my brain storage to come up with the perfect name for Kanye West and Kim Kardashian’s baby. So far, I’m stuck on Kool-Aid.

But am I big enough to warrant an assistant?

When I lived in Los Angeles for three seconds, I nearly interned with a fledgling Second City outfit. I was looking for some comedic writing experience and a chance to get out of my routine of crying in my apartment. The random guy only wanted someone to tally up his personal frequent flyer miles. Even though he was the only employee with no future prospects, he still needed an assistant.

Hugo, the half-man puppet, has five assistants solely to shine his bald head.

And Le Clown’s getting one.

I recognize I’m not as one-ab’d or clown-like as his Magnificence™, but I am scheduled to interview Le Clown’s peen so that must count for something.

Still, would anyone be willing to work for me for the lowly salary of nothing and the 100% probability of recaping the latest season of Honey Boo Boo?

Well, holy shitballs, it turned out there was!

I recently received this email:

“Excellent beat ! I would like to apprentice whilst you amend your web site, how can i subscribe for a blog web site? The account aided me a applicable deal. I had been a little bit acquainted of this your broadcast offered brilliant clear idea”

How soon can you start?

Now, granted, I wasn’t planning to amend my “web site” and I don’t really broadcast anything, but I think this person knows what the Speaker7 brand® is all about.

Who is this person?

Why the Lap Dance Factory, of course!

I went to Lap Dance Factory’s “web site” and I really believe my account “aided (it) a applicable deal.”

Lap Dance Factory left an address that specifically directed me to this:

anal

Could this object help the Speaker7 brand®?

analexplorer

I think this is the beginning of a beautiful apprenticeship.

Speaker7 Attempts Some Type of Reader Giveaway Thingy

Some jerk said it is always better to give than receive.

That jerk obviously was never the recipient of a lamp with the Serenity Prayer etched into the glass. I received one of those as a high school graduation present from a boy I dated for two months, and it was not at all awkward.

People do seem to be in the giving mood. Every blog I click on seems to be giving something away to its loyal readership.

The Byronic Man and Jules of Go Jules Go have created a Christmas misery contest where the lucky recipient wins a custom-designed sheet set.

Madame Weebles gave her readers the gift of viewing her face as well as her marvelous middle finger.

Le Clown gave away his magnificent™ facial hair.

I feel I should be giving away something too, but what do have to offer?

My facial hair is paltry although I do have a single hair that grows out of my neck and possesses the wirey resilience of a pube.  Is that something people want?

goat

Okay. I can’t really make anything although I did draw the turd picture for my Turd of the Week™ segment.

Just to be clear, I am a full-grown adult.

Just to be clear, I am a full-grown adult.

I suppose I could glue this image onto a roll of toilet paper for some lucky reader.

childangel

I really have little else. I am getting my tonsils removed in a few days, but Hugo has already staked claim to them for some nefarious purposes.

Hugo…hmmm. People seem to love them some Hugo. I’ve got it!

Okay, I’m pretty famous or I create the illusion of fame by sending myself fan letters. How would you, dear reader, like to appear in this blog space in an interview conducted by me and Hugo?

hugointerview

Fantastic.

All you have to do is give a reason why you think you are worthy of a Hugo interview in the comments.

Hugodna

Hugo, no. Please don’t do that. That is completely unnecessary. Just a simple comment is fine. I will attempt to interview everyone who responds, not in the same blog post because that can get kind of lengthy, but over the course of 2013.

Remember, I used to work as a journalist so I’m pretty good. I once was assigned to cover the local Memorial Day parade and I asked such questions like “So…why did you come to the parade?”

Expect that level of professionalism.

Your interview along with a write up and link to your blog will appear on Speaker7 to the delight of the human and puppet world.

Hugo, anything to add?

hugodomination

Fun!

The deadline to respond is Dec. 17.

The Fat Lady is Singing

It’s over.

Thank jolly rancher, it is the last day of November and my final day of writing a daily post. I feel like I should celebrate.

Oh right. First I’ve got to write this goddamned post.

A few days ago, I sought out your help. I asked you to vote on a series of post ideas, and you obliged me by mostly voting to allow me to rerun a post from my seedy past.

I felt as a thank you, I would write mini-versions of all the other post ideas. The mini-versions will be performed by my favorite troup of stock photo models.

Pecan Sandies – Who the Fuck Eats These? (received 2 votes, one from my mother)

You survive and yet Twinkie is dead. Seriously these cookies are disgusting. They taste like sand. I’d actually rather eat pecans covered in sand than these.

People magazine’s Top 10 Stories of 2012 even though there’s more than a month left (3 votes)

To be fair, the top 10 stories were pretty awesome.

Full disclosure: I did not know many of the “celebrities” that did these top things. I did recognize Jessica Simpson. She had a baby. Top story #6.

My Best Spam Emails (13 votes)

Most of my wordpress spam are spambots remarking on how much they’ve learned from reading my website and like studying my articles, but sometimes these spambots can be downright hurtful.

Gigantic Greeting Cards (2 votes)

This is actually a thing.

Other (7 votes)

My bad habits from A to J – suggested by Wendy of Wendy’s Works.

Significant Udders – suggested by Adam S. of My Right to Bitch.

A book review of the The Secret – suggested by Angie Z. of Childhood Relived

And finally what happened to speakers 1 through 6 – suggested by both Laura of Unlikely Explanations and Jo Eberhardt

NaBloWriMo Coming to a Clo

Sweet Jesus on a Pringle! The end of November is near and soon endeth my indenture servitude to the 30-post-a-day blog challenge.

Three posts remain. What will they be about?

Seriously, I’m asking you, what will they be about?

That’s right, the last three posts will be chosen by you, the reader!

I was toying around with some ideas:

  • Pecan Sandies – Who the fuck eats these?
  • People Magazine wraps up the top stories of 2012 even though there’s still more than a month left to the year
  • My best spam emails
  • Gigantic greeting cards
  • What Hugo is looking for in a woman and/or puppet
  • The best Speaker7 post you never read from the time she had 9 followers
  • something about that thing

As you can see, I’m struggling. That’s where you come in.

You will vote for the post you would like to read.

Full disclosure: I do not want to write about pecan sandies. I really don’t know why anyone eats them. At my former workplace, we would take turns buying treats for the office, and my boss would buy these, and it was the equivalent of giving a kid Mary Janes for Halloween. And that’s pretty much all I have to say on the matter.

If you vote for other that means you want to read something other than the shit ideas I’ve been toying with. Leave your suggestions in the comments, please.

And so the endeth begineth.

Hunky Hugo Unfortunately Answers Your Questions

This was not a well-thought out plan. Curse you, NaNoWriMo.

In case you didn’t know, I began a new feature called Ask Hunky Hugo™ where readers could submit questions to the world’s creepiest half-man puppet. I completely stole this idea from the Byronic Man. So basically all this weirdness is his fault.

Some of you had questions that were of a sexual nature. These made Hugo very excited, which in turn made me feel a discomfort that rivaled the time a giant golden retriever burst in on me in the bathroom.

From Wendy of Writer Wendy ReidMy husband no longer satisfies me sexually. I am horny all of the time and I work in an all male environment. Would it be wrong to have a gang bang in the parking lot one day after work?

Storkhunter wanted to know: Since you portrayed Christian and managed to get Goofy Ana pregnant even with only half a body, perhaps you have some advice on sexual positions for effective procreation.

Nancy of Not Quite Old wondered: Do you think older women are sexier than younger women? What is the sexiest thing about women over 60?

Tara of Always Overthinking It pondered: Do you prefer to go down on women with or without your mustache? Do you find they enjoy it more or less?

Maggie O’C of Someone Fat Happened: I have been waiting for this moment for months now. I won’t read any posts if you aren’t in them. Any, not just Speaker7′s. Two questions:
1. How do you feel about product placement in blogs?
2. Will you get me pregnant even if I’m menopausal and you have no genitals?

Jo Eberhardt queried: Back when you were just an anonymous half-man puppet amongst starting out on the rollercoaster ride of fame and infamy that was Speaker7′s 50 Shades Recraps, I thought you were creepy looking. But now when I look at your smooth head and your expressive eyes, I find myself moved by your extreme hotness. How did you get so sexy? Have you had plastic surgery?

Hugo had the same response to all. He said you would understand what it meant:

Some of you had questions about Hugo’s lack of a down there–sorry I have lost all other terminology to describe it from my Fifty Shades of Grey recrapping. And some of you worried about Hugo’s mental health from his participation in the Fifty Shades recraps as the enigmatic and buttpluggy Christian Grey.

Miranda Gargasz of Scattering Moments worried: What sort of medication do you take for the PTSD you suffer through after participating in all those recraps? Seriously, I need to know. After only making it through chapter 7 of the first book I find the flashbacks unbearable. Any help you can give me, Hugo, would help.

Michelle Gillies of Silk Purse Productions asked: Were you at all uncomfortable gaining fame and fortune from portraying the 50 Shades of Grey recrap moments? What made you the most uncomfortable?

Lyssa of Psychobabble expressed concern about Hugo’s genitals: Where did you leave your legs? And your genitals? Did they shrivel up after all that recrapping with Ana?

iRuniBreathe questioned: Hugo, where are your pants? And legs, for that matter.

Blogless Wonder wondered: Dear Hugo, if you did have legs and all that comes with them, would you have the kind of feet where the big toe is the biggest, or would you have those weird feet where the second toe is actually the longest? Also, how big would your feet be? Just curious!

Hugo had the same response to all. He said you would understand what it meant.

The rest were a smorgasbord of bizarre that really had no common grouping. Hugo decided to answer these individually.

I’m sorry.

Jules from Go Jules GoHunky Hugo, do you like it when girls cry? If so, then what are you feelings on Fergie from Black-Eyed Peas, who claims, rather passionately, that big girls don’t cry

Heather from Becoming Cliche asked: Hugo, I can’t balance a checkbook. Should I see a chiropractor?

El Guapo asked: Hugo: Are you just a pawn in Speaker 7s play for world domination, or are you just biding your time, lulling her into a false sense of security until you can run off with all her reindeer sweaters?

Jen from Sips of Jen & Tonic: Cockfighting: sexy man play or cruel animal sport?
Would rather: Charlie Sheen in his Tiger Blood phase or Nick Nolte during his mugshot phase? I found out I have herpes while browsing WebMD. Is that a deal breaker for you?

She’s a Maineiac posed this: How can we stop Dr. Phil? Who would you rather have sex with, Stalin or Dr. Phil? How much wine is appropriate to drink on Thanksgiving? Is it okay if I get sloshed, then ask my mom why she never loved me while I’m passing her the peas?

Alice of Alice at Wonderland and Ruminations on Love & Lunchmeat both wondered what Hugo was doing with the locks of hair he collects from his admirers.

The final question was by far Hugo’s favorite. After he read it, he made out with his reflection for over an hour. I present Madame Weeble’s tour de force:

Madame Weebles of Fear No Weebles: Do you prefer to garotte your victims using leverage, or brute strength?

Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). This is the 4,000th post or at least it feels that way.

Obligatory Thanksgiving Post

This will be short because there is funnel of gravy with my name on it.

What I’m thankful for:

  • funnels of gravy
  • priceless sculptures

exhibit A

  • families who pose in unitards

  • celebrities’ obligatory Thanksgiving comments

  • Advice books

  • Fifty Shades-inspired homages

And…..what am I missing?

Oh yes, all of you. For reals, people. This has been one of the most creatively fulfilling things I have ever done, and that’s saying a lot because I once covered a lawnmower race. All kidding aside, thanks for reading me, giving me inspiration and making me laugh.

Now go eat your weight in gravy. Even if you aren’t American and celebrating Thanksgiving, it’s still a great idea.

Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). This is why she has intruded on your holiday.