I Take My Burka in an Extra Large.

Do things seem weird?

A little, right?

They do. They do seem weird because they are. I started my Turd of the Week™ segment as a lark, not expecting that elected officials would get so weird about women. But weird about women they have become (almost as weird as the grammar in that sentence).

I am not a fan of either political party. Politicians make me itch like a scorching case of chlamydia. Thankfully I can get some antibiotics from my local Planned Parenthood…oh, that’s right, I can’t. It’s on fire.

See, I say I despise both parties (and I do, believe me), but the Republicans have really been extra Taliban these last few months so this post is mainly about them because frankly, they are awful. Almost as awful as an adult woman wanting to use birth control to avoid unwanted pregnancy. Those goddamn sluts.

I keep having to remind myself that it is 2012. It is, yes? The pill has been around for awhile. Right? It’s good to prevent unwanted pregnancy. (?) Is it? Yes. Yes? Help.

Then what’s with all these weird laws that are trying to be passed under the guise of “religious freedom?” From my limited understanding of our country, the founding fathers were like: “Dudes, religion fucks shit up so let’s make that shit separate from this other stuff, yo.” And John Hancock was like “I’m gonna sign my name all big and shit and people will be like, respeck.” And Alexander Hamilton was like “Whaa?? I can’t run for president? Boo. Oh great, I’ve just been mortally wounded in a duel. That sucks.” And Benjamin Franklin was like “I’m gonna have all kinds of sex, and fly a kite in a thunderstorm and that will be money…so money, I will appear on money.”

Fast-forward to now, and people are wearing tri-corner hats and holding misspelled signs demanding the government get rid of the few safeguards still in place, but also demanding the government take a weird interest in the sex life of women.

Proof:

My mom, who was told she could not become a doctor because of her ovaries (same reason her rightful spot of valedictorian was given to a dude), says it’s about time young women had a taste of the bullshit of the past.  I’m paraphrasing. But her point is that things were really dark for women and for awhile things were better, so much better that young women were like “I would never call myself a feminist because that means I have a mustache. And I don’t. I wax. I’m now going to take my top off for Girls Gone Wild because I can get a trucker hat.” But now things are dark again.

So dark that some elected dude in Wisconsin is like “bitch needs to stay married regardless.” According to this obvious Turd of the Week™ (another early winner, my heart can’t take much more of this), single parenthood–meaning the mommy type–is child abuse so even if your husband is beating you about the face with a bag of doorknobs, please try to “re-find those reasons and get back to why (you) got married in the first place.”

Right.

And the Senate Republicans are trying to block the expansion of the Violence Against Women Act because it would be expanded to include same sex couples and immigrants. Basically if you get the shit kicked out of you, it should be done on your home turf (okay, immigrants?) and by a dude (okay, lesbians?).

My question is this: Can we enact legislation to protect ourselves from these turds other people elected into office?

I don’t know.

But jiminy crickets, ladies, it’s time to set aside the trucker hats and at least not vote more of these loathsome turdpiles into office, right?

Or else the burka ain’t far behind.

“It Makes (Me) a (Turd), Right?”

It must be hard to have had four wives, and to be a recovering Oxycontin addict.

Maybe that’s why radio “personality” Rush Limbaugh says horrible, horrible things? All the time. Why just yesterday, he referred to the woman who was banned from speaking at a Congressional hearing on birth control religious freedom as a “slut.”

“What does it say about the college co-ed Sandra Fluke, who goes before a congressional committee and essentially says that she must be paid to have sex, what does that make her? It makes her a slut, right? It makes her a prostitute. She wants to be paid to have sex. She’s having so much sex she can’t afford the contraception. She wants you and me and the taxpayers to pay her to have sex. What does that make us? We’re the pimps,” Rush huffed into his microphone, his jowls flapping in indignation.

Well she didn’t actually go before a congressional committee because the head of the congressional committee felt she had no place in a discussion about birth control…er…religious freedom. That was the place of a number of religious men.

But Rush has a point. Are we suppose to be these women’s pimps, dawg? Wait–if we’re the pimps, do we get in on the action, baby? Show daddy some sugar, baby. Aw, now you’re making Speaker7 Daddy angry, baby, and you do not want to make Speaker7 Daddy angry. Speaker7 Daddy does not like to mess up his merchandise, but he will, if he have to, right baby?

What is it with these women wanting to slut it up by controlling the number of children they have? I remember when a friend of mine went on the pill in college to deal with her highly irregular periods, I thought: “slutbag.”

Oh, I know..I know. I know why Rush is so upset. When Rush was buying his Oxycontin illegally, he was not being reimbursed by his insurance company. That is so unfair!! When Rush was lying on his couch in an Oxycontin-induced stupor, fiddling with his nonexistent penis, some college slut was regulating her menstrual cycle in a very slut-tastic manner.

In between her bouts of sex, Sandra Fluke has spoken out against Rush Limbaugh saying “No woman deserves to be disrespected in this manner.”

A cowed Rush said today she should buy $1 condom at CVS if she wants to continue to be the whore she is.

Maybe that’s the Oxycontin-craving talking….or maybe it makes Rush a turd, right?

Yeah, a turd. In fact, a Turd of the Week™. Enjoy it, slut!

A Turdendum

I held Darrell Issa’s hand the first time he got his period. He was worried.

“Am I going to die?” he asked through his tears. “I feel like I’m dying. The blood. The pain.”

“You’re not dying, you’re becoming a woman,” I answered.

“What does that mean?” he asked earnestly.

“Well, it means that you are able to have children of your own,” I said, wrapping an afghan around his shoulders and handing him a mug of chamomile tea to help ease the cramps. “Someday, you’ll fall in love, get married and then chair a government oversight committee that will try to deny basic health care to women under the guise that it is infringing on the religious beliefs of others.”

I was just kidding when I told him that so many years ago, but then this week, I realized Darrell took what I said to heart.

The fretful preteen who danced to Like a Virgin in my living room, banged a gavel and said the health care provision of mandating contraceptive coverage for women was akin to kicking God in the nuts (I’m paraphrasing).

“Women should be forced to have as many children until their uteruses or is it uteri? resemble beaten-up change purses made out of cheesecloth. And then they are put to sleep. It’s nature and religion. It’s naturally religious,” Darrell solemnly said.

Although I was appalled, I was happy that Darrell at least brought in male religious leaders who are the leading experts in women’s health to testify before his committee. Those with uteri were told to stay out of it. The experts said things like:

“Women–boo!!”

And:

“Obama–boo!!”

And:

“Jesus–yay!”

When asked about their comments, Jesus stated “I don’t know these guys, man.”

There is so much I don’t understand.

First, why did God kill Onan when Onan spilled his seed on the ground rather than in his brother’s wife (Genesis 38:9)?

Second, why is a woman unclean for seven days after giving birth to a male and unclean for two weeks after giving birth to a female (Leviticus)?

And lastly, why did I jump the gun on handing out my Turd of the Week™?  Please accept this turdendum.

And God said to the turds: "Be fruitful and increase in number."