bette midler

Puppet Show then Spinal Tap

Snooki wrote another book.

It is titled The Medium is the Massage: An Inventory of Effects.

That might be wrong.

Anyhoo, the Today show had an exclusive interview with Snookie née Nicole Polizzi about her new book. The female anchorbot then said something like:

“And in our studios, another intriguing woman Bette Midler.”

Yes Bette Midler is following Snooki. Bette Midler, who has been an entertainment fixture for decades. Yes Bette Midler who has an actual discernible talent, multi-talented in fact–she sings, she tells jokes, she acts–she is following a woman who took a dump in a potted plant.

But, wait! Maybe I’m being too judgmental. Maybe Snookie Monster has something meaningful to say….or expel from her bowels.

Let’s listen.

Magical.

“Whatchyoo been up to?” Matt Lauer inquires.

“Just busy with my book. . . and the downfall of civilization,” she answers.

“How would you say the Italians reacted to you,” Matt Lauer probes.

“They loved us. They would shout whatever the Italian word for ‘gonorrhea queen’ is,” Snooki answers. “I think I just peed on this chair.”

“Your book is called Confessions of a Guidette,” Matt Lauer begins. “When I was a kid, journalists actually interviewed people about newsworthy information or what I meant to say when I was growing up, calling someone a guido was not the nicest thing to say.”

“It’s not really a compliment, it’s a lifestyle” Snooki explains. “In the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions, you can be a brain, an athlete, a basket case, a princess and a criminal. Or a guidette.”

“Do we ever get to see the real you on this show,” Matt Lauer digs. “I think you even said reality TV is not normal life, it’s the most dysfunctional moments rolled into a ball–in your case a meatball. Do we ever get to see the real Nicole on TV.”

“I am what happens when a consumer capitalist society ships all its jobs oversees and produces nothing. People become product. The concept of ‘Snooki’ is something that sells, it has no grounding in any reality,” Snooki replies.

Or she might have said that Snooki is a party girl.

Matt Lauer asked other questions. Snooki answered them.

“What kind of guy do you like,” Matt says, smoothing down the seventh strand on his head.

“BURRRRPPPPPPP!” Snooki replies.

And next up is Bette Midler.

Hopefully she at least got the larger dressing room.

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