Heckuva Turd

One might say criticizing the president for responding too quickly to Hurricane Sandy is partisan hackery at its best.

But when that critic is the poster child of one of the most botched relief efforts in recent U.S. history, that critic floats to the level of turd superstar, otherwise known as Turd of the Week™.

Michael “heckuva job, Brownie” Brown took Obama to task for holding a press conference the day before the storm hit.

Apparently it’s way better to deal with the mess after it happens. The Bush Administration waited a good amount of time before noticing much of the Gulf Coast was underwater from Hurricane Katrina in August 2005. In fact the day after the levees fell in New Orleans, President Bush was quoted as saying “New Orleans dodged a bullet.” Once they realized things were grim, they responded by not responding. Brown, a former supervisor of horse judges and then current head of the Federal Emergency Management Agency, “led” the relief effort.

Two weeks later, Brown resigned in disgrace.

In the storm’s aftermath, Brown, like much of Louisiana, seemed to be in over his head.

On the day Katrina made landfall, Brown was busy typing “funny” emails to staff, like:

“Can I quit now? Can I go home?” (2005 Speaker7’s reply: Yes, and take the entire Bush Administration with you.)

And emails about FEMA attire:

At the Congressional hearings on Katrina a year later, Brown pointed the finger-of-blame at everyone including a little boy scout who was visiting the Capitol for the first time ever after selling the most popcorn balls in his troop. When members of Congress demanded he admit his culpability in the colossal fuckery, he yelled like a two-year-old.

So it makes sense that Brownie should ever speak anything about someone else’s heckuva job since he knows exactly how disaster relief shouldn’t unfold.

Or what I meant to write is it makes sense that he won my weekly turd award because…cheese and crackers, Michael Brown, why the flipping hell do you think anyone wants to hear your take on this?

Turd.

Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). This is the third post. It is a post about turds. There may be many more due to the overabundance of turds. Would you like to read about something other than turds this month? Then leave a suggestion in the comments. 

Where My Ladies At?

Hi Women!

Whas up, yo?

Sorry I began so awkwardly. It’s because I feel nervous.

I feel nervous because some of you are Republicans or people who think voting for Mitt Romney is a good idea. I fear you will drop me like Michael Jackson almost dropped Blanket from that hotel balcony or post something in the comments that will make me feel squicky.

I get it. I do, I honestly do. You like something that he stands for. I can’t imagine what that is, but I’m sure it’s something with economics or smaller government.

But here’s the rub: the way Republicans have been talking about women and acting about women is just fucking wrong. There’s no getting past it.

You may be thinking, but Mitt loves his wife, how can Speaker7 say Mitt is anti-women? And I would say if you are Ann Romney, by all means vote for Mitt because he seriously digs you. But if you’re somebody who relies on Planned Parenthood for your health care, believes you should be able to procure birth control easily and affordably, and be treated fairly in the workplace, then the Republican train ain’t the one to be on.

Here’s just a few examples of Republican exceptionalism:

• advocacy of a no-exceptions abortion ban, according to the GOP platform
• opposition to the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act of 2009
• mandated transvaginal ultrasounds
• promotion of the Blunt Amendment that would have allowed any employer to deny covering birth control on moral grounds
• discussion of rape distinctions–I’ll handle that later; it needs its own paragraph

I’m voting for Obama. There are things Obama stands for that I don’t like. I don’t like the Race for the Top education policy that basically continues the shittiness of No Child Left Behind. I don’t like the administration’s support of hydrofracking. But I overlook these things because otherwise I would never be able to vote for anyone ever.

But if I felt for a second that Obama thought women were less than, I would be out the door. Like if he continued to support a candidate who had the gall to say something like rape was a gift from God? I’d be thanks, but no thanks, fella.

I know women are not a uniform, monolithic voting bloc. I know we aren’t all on our periods at the same time and eagerly awaiting the latest sale of chocolate-dipped shoes. We have our own issues, concerns, and life experiences that shape the decisions we make at the ballot box. But cheezits cripes, we should band together when it comes to a political party advocating for policies that state our lives are worth less.

I get the distinct impression that Republicans–at least the ones in power and talking–don’t really like us all that much. I mean, they like us if we’re getting coffee or giving blow jobs, but otherwise? Not so much.

I mean how else can you explain those comments about rape? I can’t for the life of me understand why this is an issue that merits any discussion beyond “rape is a crime.” Now it’s been turned into something that can be categorized like forcible or legitimate or something that is so easy to do to some women. And it’s Republicans who are saying these things.

So I think it’s time we said “enough.” I think it’s time we put a stop to the nonsense and demand to be treated like thinking human beings because we are. And we’re the majority.

If you can’t vote for Obama, that’s okay. Write in something like “Vagina Queen” or “Speaker7.” I frankly think it’s time we started our own party and gave men a taste of the shit they’ve been shoveling in our direction since the beginning of time.

Here is the Speaker7 Party slogan: “Ball-Scratchers Beware.”

But enough with electing these shitballs to positions of power. Sure maybe they talk a good game about creating jobs and reducing the deficit, but they really seem to be about creating crazy legislation and reducing our opportunities and access to health care.

Dearest Reader: Speaker7 is attempting to write a post every day in November so she doesn’t have to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). This is the second post. She loves you very much. Even if you’re seething right now because you don’t like her positions, it doesn’t change the fact that she thinks you are wonderful.  She is looking for things to write about in the longest November since November existed. Please leave suggestions in the comments. The non-squicky type, please. 

A Turd-ucopia

Turd of the Week™ has come out of retirement.

The little dude was actually getting the chalky-white look of an old piece of dog poop found 17 years later in a sewer grate. But it’s been revived–rejuvenated by amazing displays of turdism that should be featured in the book The Most Unbelievable Turd-duckens Since Turduckens Were Invented (release date: Christmas 2012)

“I am truly overflowing with turdish delight.”

So this politician said something unbelievable at a debate. This guy is a Republican—surprise–and he said something horrible relating to women–double surprise. Then a bullhorn with a hairpiece made out of the straw from the Wizard of Oz scarecrow held a press conference that entailed him defecating freely from his gaping maw.

Let’s begin with the turd masquerading as an actual candidate for the U.S. Senate. Let me remind you that two people in the whole fucking state get this job. Like this is a big deal.

Giant turd Richard Mourdock decided it was a fine time to spew this from his mouth:

“Even if life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that is something that God intended to happen.”

I’m going to address this to all men:

Men, never say anything about rape unless it is this:

“Rape is fucking awful. I’m sorry that people get raped because that is fucking awful.”

That’s all you should say about rape. Ever. If you want to tack a “but” onto the end of that sentence to add something like “she was wearing a short skirt” or “God gives babies because he’s on board with rape” then it’s time to have your tongue surgically removed so you can never utter those sentences.

Mourdock has since apologized because his words were “taken out of context.”

I’m sorry, Mr. Mourdick, but the only way I will accept your apology is if this was the sentence you snotted before saying that completely bizarre sentence. “What I’m about to say is the ravings of a small-dicked lunatic…”

Turd. Big fucking turd.

The second turd is Donald Trump, which is basically a given. Just assume that every week, Donald Trump wins Turd of the Week™. He is a masterful turd.

So he was on the old tee-vee, and he realized that there are no plans to air  The Apprentice anytime soon, so he decided to say something stupid about Pres. Barack Obama. He said:

“Turd turd turd turd turd. Turd turd turd turd turd.”

I don’t know if that’s 100 percent accurate, but I immediately go deaf when Donald Trump speaks. You can read this if you need to know more.

I certainly don’t.

So yes, the turd is back.

Stop the (Word)Presses!!!

Can we do that? Because we need to stop everything right now! Right. Now.

I have a HUGE announcement.

So stop. Stop it. Stop. Stop it. Stop doing that, whatever you happen to be doing. Stop breathing…no wait, you still need to do that. Okay, you can do the things that the body does unconsciously like beating the heart, eliminating waste and downloading porn on the Internet.

Are you ready????? I can barely contain my excitement. This is almost as big as that press conference when Obama announced the American Pie franchise was releasing its 4th movie American [insert title].

The Today show has an exclusive interview with that guy who shot bullets into his daughter’s laptop!?! Exclusive!!!!! Exclusive means this is the only place you will see this guy talk about stuff, and OH MY GOD!!!!! his daughter will be there too. So you can listen to this guy AND his daughter EXCLUSIVELY on the Today show tomorrow morning.

This is nearly as exciting as me nailing an exclusive interview with the guy who threw a Slim Jim wrapper in my front yard (I’m still working on it. Be patient. I will get that exclusive interview if it kills me).

I almost missed the announcement of this exclusive interview. I’ve been watching the Today show since 7 a.m., and the promo has only been shown 4,568 times in the last five minutes.

Matt Lauer is going to be sitting in a chair (!?!). And then the guy is going to be sitting in a chair (?!?), and OH MY GOD his daughter is going to be sitting in a chair for this exclusive interview. Aren’t people normally suspended over shark tanks filled with napalm-flavored Fruit Roll Ups® for interviews? No, the announcer said MATT LAUER WILL BE SITTING DOWN with that guy, and then I saw video footage of it actually happening.  And it looks like they’re eating eggs? Are they? I don’t know!!!! Will someone confirm if they are exclusively eating eggs?? Could it be pancakes? It could be pancakes. Maybe it’s not even breakfast food?

Can we declare tomorrow a national holiday like Guy Who Shot Daughter’s Laptop Will Talk to Matt Lauer And His Daughter Will Be There And This Is the First Time This Has Happened In the History of Laptop-Shooting Dads Day? Then everyone could stay home and watch this exclusive interview. And then we could exchange gifts.

This is what I’m going to give my son:

Gun-Totin' Teddy™. Shoots real bullets!

This is so amazing. And did I mention exclusive? I don’t think I did. Guys–this is an exclusive interview with that guy! You know, that guy? Do you know that guy? He’s that guy. And he made a video where he shot his daughter’s laptop? She posted “Dad blows” or something on Facebook? Remember that? It’s like how people say: “Do you remember where you were the day that guy threw the Slim Jim wrapper?” And you respond: “That was the day America changed forever, and I also ate a scone.”

This is just like that!! Except way more exclusive.

Okay, that’s the end of the huge announcement. Carry on.

Keep the Strange

Holy turdballs!

There are times when one is faced with adversity, and one has to summon the strength to overcome it and be the better for it.

This is not one of those times.

Countrysinger Hank Williams Jr. is mad at ESPN and Fox & Friends because they’re turded all over his freedoms such as his freedom to be paid millions in licensing fees for screaming “Are you ready for some football!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” before the weekly Monday Night football snoozefest. His voice’s ouster resulted from his saying on Fox & Assorted Imbeciles that Obama’s golf outing with the orange-hued John Boehner is like Hitler playing golf with an oompa loompa from the 1971 classic film Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory:

What’s a millionaire to do except write the worst song in the history of civilization?

I downloaded this song.

My life will never the be the same.

I repeatedly listened to Keep the Change in order to write this blog post. My ears feel violated as if Hitler used them as his golf tees in his friendly game with Netanyahu.

In the first and second verses, Bocefus lists all of the freedoms he will keep such as:

1. his freedom

2. his guns

3. his money

4. his religion

5. his job

6. his smile

7. his Christian name

8. his heroes’ pictures on the wall

9. his family’s safety

10. his freedom to call your bluff

11. his big V8(??)

12. his friends

13. his right to keep the government out of his business

14. his turdishly awful songwriting “ability”

But you know what the rest of y’all can do? Y’all can keep the change.

Oh dear mother of horrible songwriting. It’s just, it’s just soooooo not good. It makes Rebecca Black’s Friday sound like Un bel di from Madame Butterfly.

Now I saw a video on Youtube of Hank singing these same exact words from a venue in 2009 so this feels a bit Candle-in-the-Windesque. But there is a new third verse, which is just killer:

“So ‘Fox and Friends’ / Wanna put me down / Ask for my opinion / Then twist it all around / Supposed to be talking about my father’s new CD / Well two can play that gotcha game, just wait and see / Don’t tread on me”

The chorus is just how the country is now socialist and going down the drain.

You can download the song for free on Hank’s website, which seems a bit socialist if you ask me. It’s like Karl Marx writing a song with Hitler to sing on Socialist American Idol (premiering Jan. 3 on Fox).

Because his freedoms are being stymied, Hank appeared to give his point of view on The Irrelevant Yapping Show. You may also know this as The View.

Hank has one of the flapping heads read from a dictionary. He says the golf game was a bunch of politicians “juking.” He says “Mickey’s a mean mouse” (Disney owns ESPN and The View because corporate control of all media is so freedomy). He likes this Mickey and points to the name Mantle on the back of his Yankees shirt. All the while the flapping heads talk over him. This appearance was very, very strange.

And you know what y’all can do?

Y’all can keep the strange.

The Most “Amazing” Ending to the Most “Dramatic” Season

This will be the biggest, most dramatic, most emotional, most amazing, most incredible, most edible, most threadible, most bedible, most shredible blog post ever written about the biggest, most dramatic, most emotional, most herpeseque, most humptifying, most shushleshizzle conclusion in the two-season history of Bachelor Pad.

The finale was three hours long. You must be thinking “That is not nearly enough time to wrap up all of those compelling storylines.”

Or you could be thinking: “What were the compelling storylines on Bachelor Pad?”

I will answer your question:

I don’t know.

But let us begin. Hold on to your #%$@% hats.

Part I: The biggest night by far

We are informed by the host that this is the “biggest night by far here on Bachelor Pad.” See it is the final challenge and the final challenge will take place in Las Vegas. Tons of “Vegas, baby” are said by the remaining cast members. I down my first glass of wine and weep silently into my hands.

Vegas, baby. The four couples enter a theater. They learn that they will be performing a Cirque du Soleil routine. In harnesses, they will scale a giant vertical wall and do some showy fight sequence. I would enjoy this segment much more if they did not use harnesses and had to defy gravity to win the competition. Some contestants profess a desire to lose control of bodily functions either through their anuses or mouths. Graham continues the reality television tradition of misusing the word literal when he says “I’m literally pissing down my leg.”

The judges are all former Bachelor/Bachelorette contestants, and this has about as much meaning to me as if they were all from the Campbell County Chamber of Commerce. Wyoming, baby.

Performances. They run up the wall. One couple throws toilet paper. Let’s get to the judging because we have two hours and 45 minutes left…Michael and Holly win. They are going to the finals and will get to chose the other couple that joins them. Ella and Kirk lose. Ella cries. One of the judges makes a pouty face at Ella like Ella is a toddler.

Holly and Mike have a really hard decision. This is made clear by the two of them saying this: “We have a really hard decision ahead of us,” says Michael. “This is a hard decision,” says Holly.

They go speak with the Vienna and Kasey. Gimme gimme gimme!!! Kasey and Vienna say.

They decide to go with Graham and Michelle. Vienna’s face crumples. “My perfect rose record was ruined,” she cries. That must be how Michael Vick felt when his prized pitbull lost its first dog fight.

Part II – the most unbelievable conclusion to Bachelor Pad

The host announces that this is the most unbelievable conclusion to Bachelor Pad. He then says it’s the most amazing conclusion to Bachelor Pad. Well which is it, asshole?

He continues: “It’s been a dramatic season to say the least”. . . 18 of the “most memorable” contestants returned to the bachelor mansion “seeking love”. . “From the moment the first limo pulled up, the drama of Bachelor Pad began and it never let up.”

The host and I were clearly watching different shows.

“Please let me welcome. . Alli” Who the #%@% is that?

“I just don’t know what were in store for tonight, but I’m sure it will be fantastic.” Jesus Christ–we get it, okay? The show is the most amazing show in the history of shows. The people on it are the most amazing people to have ever existed in the past, present and future. The bowel movement the host had before the taping of the show was the greatest bowel movement ever produced by a bowel since the Big Bang.

Interviews….excuse me….amazing(!!) interviews commence. One couple is asked about their relationship. The woman is confused and upset because they recently broke up. “I didn’t get out of bed for a week. Seriously a week.” The guy looks uncomfortably at the floor. The host deftly smooths over this incredibly awkward exchange with “I know I speak for the millions of fans, we’re crying along with you.” I speak for Speaker7– I need another glass of wine.

Jake is now in the “hot” seat. His return “was one of the most controversial” of the season. We watch a retrospective of Jake’s “journey” on Bachelor Pad. It was just like I saw this three weeks ago….because I just saw this three weeks ago. Vienna and Kasey were cold to Jake, Jake confesses. He was particularly hurt by Kasey’s remarks about punching Jake for America. Kasey says he was wrong and acted like a fool and apologizes to Jake. They stand up and give each other a handshake/hug. World peace is restored. It would be the equivalent of watching Barack Obama and John Boehner make out in the Rose Garden.

Kasey is now in the “hot” seat. He watches his Bachelor Pad retrospective. One contestant describes his voice as sounding like Kermit the frog’s. Kasey says he has a speech impediment and now I feel like crap for making fun of the way he talks, but then I realize the impediment affects how he speaks not what he says, and I feel better because I mainly made fun of the inane sh*t he says.

Blake is in the hot seat and I don’t care even if he was the “lightning rod of controversy.” He loves him some Holly. Oh what nice surprise! We have some footage of Holly and Blake having a picnic…and this is not weird at all, not even with the dramatic music, and they talk about how much they love each other and we get different camera angles so we know at least two cameras are capturing this very authentic, and of course amazing, date. And Blake proposes. Like I mentioned before, completely normal.

Jesus Christ, there is a whole &#^&*! hour left.

Part III – the exciting moment you’ve all been waiting for

The host informs us that this is the exciting moment we’ve all been waiting for. I don’t know if the host realizes that he has completely changed the definitions of the words amazing, unbelievable and exciting to now mean dull as shit.

The two remaining couples enter. The host has Holly tell Michael she’s engaged to Blake. “Like here??” Michael incredulously asks. The host wave his hands in a oh-god-no-not-on-the-show-we’re-just-doing-this-now-to-humiliate-you kind of way. “I’m sorry…that’s super awkward,” Michael says.

Four thousand minutes later, the contestants vote. The host helpfully points out that there are 14 people so the first couple to get eight votes wins. Math is hard.

Michael and Holly win. The game is about to take its “final twist and final turn,” the host says. It will “test your relationship like never before,” he says…if you disregard Holly and Michael’s two broken engagements and Holly’s subsequent engagement to another guy.  To cut an overly inflated seasonal finale explanation short, Holly and Michael need to decide if they want to share the $250,000. Tension. They do.

“What an amazing ending to a very dramatic season of Bachelor Pad,” the host says.

But that’s not all, we get to meet the newest bachelor for the upcoming season of The Bachelor.

For some reason, my finger hits the power button on the TV remote although I can go to bed reassured that the new season will be amazing, unbelievable and exciting.

 

The Siren Call of the GOP

I’m not exactly the most up on my political news mainly because whenever I hear politicians speak, I began convulsing and frothing at the mouth. That’s why I get most of my news from Bachelor Pad. But for some reason tonight, I hear the sweet siren call of the Republican presidential debate, and I am compelled to tune in for what likely will lead to a full-on seizure.

Republicans are fun. They wear flag lapel pins. They talk about freedom and come up with new names for French fries. They like guns, Jesus and fetuses, but babies not so much.

I am not registered with a political party, but I should probably let you know that I f****** hate the Republican Party. So if you are a subscriber who juices on Republican talking points, I suggest you read no further and refrain from commenting in the comment section about Obama being the Antichrist and Democrats are Nazi Socialists and I’m a liberal, bed-wetting, crybaby AntiChrist-loving pukeface even though all those things are true.

I am not a fan of the Democratic Party either. I’m completely disillusioned by this presidency and have no hope for the future, but I still hate them less than Republicans. Here’s my analogy: The Democratic Party is like that guy you date who is kind of blah and you believe there’s probably someone better, but you stick with the blah guy because at least he’s not that awful and he sometimes says nice things, but sometimes does things that are the complete antithesis of what he says. The Republican Party is like that guy who is a total f****** douchebag.

So, yeah, things are bleak. I’m mainly biding my time until I hear the words President Bristol Palin. But until then, let’s meet the next possible president of the United States. Squee!!!

The frontrunners:

Rick "I make George W. Bush look like a mensa candidate" Perry

 

 

 

 

Mittens Romney

Crazy Eyes

 

 

 

 

other candidates:

Rick Santorum

Ron Somethingorother, the media continues to pretend he is not real

Collective random awful guys

Okay, it’s on. And I’ve missed a significant portion of the beginning. It takes some time drawing these elaborate pictures. Here is what was said in the beginning by all the candidates…blah blah Ronald Reagan blahdebloo blahdeblee, hey you there, vote for me!

Now please read this substantive summary of what was said:

Rick S. – “I’m the best.” Jobs. His last name means this.

Pizza guy – eliminate tax code, 9-9-9 tax on everything. Pizza! Pizza! Pizza!

Gov. Random Orange Face – China question. Booorrrrrrrr-iiinnnggggggggg.

Michele Bachmann – “Obamacare! Obamacare!” She went to restaurants. These restaurants aren’t hiring this one 17-year-old for a summer job. She raised 5 kids and 23 (!) foster kids. “Kids need jobs.” Clearly her kids do.

Ron Somethingorother – …

Juice Newton Gingrich  – Obama is a socialist and class warfarist. Check Newton out on Twitter, Newton is beloved on Twitter.

Mittens ala Orange Face- his polka-dot tie is hypnotizing me. I can’t concentrate on what he’s saying. He’s talking about ???

Rick P. -Those folks, focus on stuff, social security is a ponzi scheme *shit-eating grin*

Okay so I’m posting before the debate ends, but I’m confident it will end in this way blah blah Ronald Reagan blahdeblee blahdebloo, we are all doomed.

House Hunting :)

So Mr. Speaker7 and I are looking at buying a new house. I say “new,” but it is a house other people previously and currently live in. I remember Teresa Guidice from the Real Housewives of Chemical Taint saying in an episode that buying a used house was gross, and that’s why she was building a new house that became really ungross when it was foreclosed upon by the bank.

This is really an exciting time to be taking on a huge financial investment. Interest rates are historically low, sellers, like Guidice, are desperate to unload houses at a loss–it’s a buyer’s market.

But still it’s always good to make a pro/con list before agreeing to give up three internal organs in your mortgage agreement.

PRO – Public employees, ah yeah!

Mr. Speaker7 and I are public employees, a group of workers that is saluted daily by politicians, tea aficionados, and lighthearted news personalities. Hello, job security!! I remember that teacher parade thrown by Gov. Scott Walker of Wisconsin where Walker shredded the contract giving bargaining rights and used it as confetti. While we are responsible for the 2008 recession by somehow taking over the bodies of Wall Street traders and bankers and making unsustainable loans and causing giant banks to collapse, we are being rewarded by getting the chance to do more work and make less money or do no work at all.

PRO – Corporate profits are up

If you didn’t know, it’s really good when corporations get out of paying taxes or pay less in taxes because it somehow trickles down to the rest of us. Corporations are the job-creators so when they make huge profits, they create jobs in the form of huge bonuses to their CEOs. And corporate profits are really, really big, like, a CEO could lose a wallet filled with $3 million and not even care that it fell out of his solid-gold coat when he purchased Greece as a vacation home. So that trickle of olive oil is coming any day now…any day now… any day now…wait for it….

PRO – the next POTUS is going to be so awesome

So Barack Obama could win reelection or one of those people who remind me of Garbage Pail Kids could win–either way it’s going to be pretty sweet. Barack Obama says nice stuff about the regular folks, which makes it more palatable when the retirement age is moved to 95 in the next debt ceiling debate. Those other people seem really, really good and they eat corn dogs at the Iowa State Fair all the while making sure regular Americans have the same steady work as that carny operating the Crazy Plane ride.

PRO – the recession is over

I saw that somewhere, maybe on Fox and Friends or Spongebob Squarepants, some person was saying that the recession of 2008 ended sometime, like maybe this past Friday. I don’t know for sure because I was real busy that Friday deciding if I should kick it in the front seat or sit in the back seat–seriously which seat should I take? So the recession is over, put away your cans of Fancy Feast, put another wad of newspaper in the barrel fire and dance around your hobo tent.

CON – moving sucks

That really is just basically it. I would totally buy that house especially with all those pros, but moving just sucks a giant snowball.