Episode 3 of Bachelor Pad aired last night. I tried vainly to watch it, but only made it to the first three minutes. All big on the 42-inch screen and in HD made it feel incredibly likely I would catch crabs. So I watched it on my little computer today.
It begins with an establishing shot of the moon. People say things like “That was amazing.” “That was unreal.” “The game changes so fast, it’s crazy.” I don’t know what they’re talking about.
Pan to argument in the kitchen, which is “amazing.” The guy part of the couple looks like two other guys in the house. The woman is upset because he didn’t check on her in her room while she was crying. She gives a very specific time frame for it – 4 p.m.-11:30 p.m. That’s a lengthy time to be crying. Many doctors say you should only let a baby cry it out for an hour.
Challenge – synchronized swimming. Boys vs girls, one of each wins a rose. Lots of “I need to win this,” “He can’t win this,” “I’m going to win this because I was a cheerleader.” “This is the craziest thing I’ve ever done.” This goes on for seven days. They actually get some poor gold medalist to judge it and two random people who won Bachelor Pad I, which, I believe, garners one the bronze medal or complete obscurity. Two winners are chosen, they will go on a date with three other people.
Vienna and Kasey, the self-proclaimed Bachelor Pad power couple, proceed to have some powerful fights. Kasey is miffed that Vienna said “good job” to her former fiance Jake. Vienna brings up how Kasey is supposed to protect her. She says this a lot like she’s constantly being ambushed by ninjas. Kasey says something like “I protected you over BLEEP, nice and smelled to him. You shushree shizz schuzzle.” His voice makes me feel like I need a hearing test. This fight drags on for infinity, and even the cameraman becomes fatigued because he pans to a sharpie marker on the counter for a really long time. That is a really nice sharpie.
Boring date in vineyard. The word “connection” is used for the first time. Some making out with visible tongue…shudder.
Boring date on horseback, but then a bandana-ensconced Bret Michaels pulls up in a tour bus to give the saddest concert ever. He conducts an impromptu therapy session with Michael and Holly. He says “There’s a fork in the road” and the cameraman pans down to his crotch “and that’s the fork in the road where eventually you’ve got to say the heart wants what the heart wants.” Exactly. He then sings “Unskinny Bop” — I’m just kidding. He sings “Every Rose Has its Thorn” and do you see what the producers just did right there? Yeah, I don’t either.
I think time moves differently in Bachelor Pad because the timer tells me I’m only 8 minutes into part II and I’ve been sitting here for 10 days. Okay, where are we? Back to Power Couple™ Vienna and Kasey. Kasey says something about Vienna’s heart hurt causes his heart to hurt and “shushes shizzz shuzle shinzz.” Vienna looks like she smells something really awful. He produces a jewelry box, and Vienna causes heart hurt by saying “I don’t want it to be an engagement ring.” Hurted-heart Kasey is taken aback, but carries on valiantly with a serenade that sounds like Rick Astley being smothered by a pillow.
Alliances are getting broken, new alliances are forming, conspiring, conspiring, drinking, people are being called “batshit crazy,” voting, spying in hot tubs, more drinking, crying, more conspiring, even more drinking, one of the contestants holds a prop from a Harry Potter movie and says “order has been restored,” drinky drinking, photos are dropped in a ballot box. It’s down to Jake vs. Kasey. Vienna says “I’m terrified of Jake.” This from the woman who just was serenaded by Kasey.
Jake interviews “If I’m leaving tonight, I’m going to take some people with me.” Okay, maybe Vienna’s on to something.
So who’s going home? Shot of Jake’s face, shot of Kasey’s face, shot of Jake’s face, shot of Kasey’s face, shot of Jake’s face, shot of Kasey’s face, shot of Jake’s face, shot of Kasey’s face, ad infinitum.
And it’s Jake. The screen goes black.
Do you see what the producers did right there? Yeah, I don’t either.