They Can’t All Be Winners

I’m all about deciphering meaning from the random, which is why I need the subtitles for The Jersey Shore.

Today, I viewed my site stats and saw this:

Let’s ignore the 9 views of “today” because that is a little sad, and instead focus on the 22222.

This is clearly a sign.

Of what, I don’t know. The pragmatists among you would say “look dope, it just means there have been 22,222 page views of your crappy blog. Probably generated mostly by you. Don’t try to bring any extra meaning to it, you jerk.” Wow, you pragmatists are really, really hostile.

I am by no means an expert in sussing out the meaning behind numbers, e.g., 22,222 page views x $0 = poverty + despair? It feels like it does anyway.

I decided to type numberology into a Google, and it said: it’s numerology, you fargin’ idiot. So then I typed numerology and learned so, so much. I learned I needed my “personal sun number” to calculate my “personal month cycles” to predict my life, or as it is known in numberology psn² x pms³³ = ½ :(.

When I went to find my personal sun number, I received this foreboding message:

This is the equivalent of your sun number being a big fat 0.

I had to seek out a different site so I retyped numberology (Are you fargin’ serious?!? I hate you right now – much hatred, Google)

I came upon a site about devising spiritual meaning from repetitive numbers.

It suggested to try “automatic writing” to get my answers. Automatic writing is when you write with no human control so basically what I do every day, but instead of nothing appearing, my spirit guide will write something for me.

It’s suggested to get in a quiet space and clear your mind of clutter. At this moment I have  Elmo singing “Do the hustle” in the background. This will have to do because the alternative is unpleasant, e.g., 2-year-old – elmo = screams².

So I’m suppose to write a question and then write down what exactly pops up in my brain.

Okay, here goes…

Spirit guides, what does 22,222 mean?

Doo-doh-doo-dee. Do the hustle. Free your mind and the rest will follow. Be colorblind don’t be so I need to pee no time why did I drink that liter of seltzer water?? Stupid. I’m tired and my feet are a little cold. I wish I had a dark Milkyway bar. I need to do laundry jesus didn’t I just do laundry, yes we do laundry everyday because that is our life now I should pee.

Hmm. The spirit guide sounds an awful like my interior monologue that can only be quieted with gallons of paint thinner.

Let’s try this again. *ahem* Spirit guides, what are my site views trying to tell me?

Jumping, jumping, jumping, jumping, it’s the jumping song, site stats site schmats beef it’s what’s for dinner site stats sounds like site shats my site took shats stop autocorrecting me wordpress if I want to write shats I’ll write shats stop changing it to stats stats doesn’t seem like a real word now how can it be real?!? is anything real besides the continual pressure on my bladder? The answer to your question is: nothing.

In all that time I spent “mediating” (be on the look out for new my DVD “Meditating to Elmo”), this happened:

Of course, 22229 is the universal number for “we are doomed.”

Forget Your Daily Forecast

Things are bleak man.

More children are living in poverty. The unemployed are staying unemployed for longer durations. Kate Plus 8 has been canceled, which will contribute to eight more children living in poverty and one more adult qualifying for unemployment.

But the real reason I’m saying “things are bleak man” is that the horoscope has even become godawful depressing. I don’t normally read my horoscope mainly because I don’t believe every human born within the same month share the same qualities.

Like take Harriet Tubman, a woman who risked her life for freedom and risked it again and again so others could be free. She was a spy in the Civil War and the first female to lead a raid against an enemy camp. She was a Pisces. So is John Stossel. He has a show on Fox News and is known for whining the phrase “Give me a break.” He is a douche.

Or take Mother Teresa who devoted her life to helping the poor and sick in India. She was a Virgo. So is Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil makes his money exploiting the bewildered. And is a giant-headed turd. So is Dr. Drew Pinsky. He’s a Virgo, I mean. His head is normal-sized, and he is a bespectacled turd. And he makes his money exploiting the bewildered who once had some semblance of fame if you consider porn and reality TV as legitimate entertainment careers.

So I don’t put much faith into astrological signs. I’m a Scorpio. So is John Boehner. And Charles Manson. My father and George W. Bush were born on the same day in the same year so they should be pretty similar. Yet my father is actually competent in his job. And he did not fabricate evidence to start an unnecessary war and then later say his most regrettable moment in his presidency was when Kanye West said my father didn’t care about black people. At least I don’t think that happened to him. I will ask him tomorrow and post an editor’s note if I am mistaken.

I know, I know, George W. Bush jokes are sooooo 2008. But I’m a little off today, and my horoscope said I would be. My horoscope told me a big urgent responsibility (i.e. writing my next blog post) that I’d been artfully dodging in hopes that someone else would do it (i.e., Les from Best Bathroom Books, Nancy from Not Quite Old), would be dumped in my lap. And–get this–Me and my lap asked for it. Like, what the &**!^&$#@! horoscope. That is really hostile.

So I checked out the other signs and they were equally belligerent, accusatory and critical.

“If you refuse to go along with the majority, you are likely to create a lot of unnecessary dissension” – Better conform, you goddamn Sagittarius. Don’t be thinking for yourself.

“If you are too indecisive, someone else will make the big decision. Don’t blame them if you don’t like their choice” you $%$!$% spineless piece o’ crap Libra.

“You should take extra precautions when working with tools or materials that you are unfamiliar with” because, frankly Taurus, you are a dumbass and will likely lop off your own head.

And on and on it goes–all bleak.

I’m expecting tomorrow’s will be something like “The zombie apocalypse is upon you.”

I’ll make sure I don’t have any Tauruses with me.