ashton kutcher

We’re All With Stupid

Ashton Kutcher is a well-paid moron.

Yup.

This is fact, and therefore makes about as interesting a news story as gravity keeping us from floating all around and people being created 6,000 years ago by Xenu, the dinosaur engram.

Yet there are a bunch of news stories circulating about Ashton Kutcher, aka a well-paid moron, tweeting something moronic on Twitter.

The fact that a well-paid moron, aka Ashton Kutcher, would have only a cursory understanding of one of the most horrifyingly horrible-beyond-horror-in-its-complete-and-utter-wrongness new stories, is not news.

Because he is an idiot. And yet he is now a featured star in this sordid, I-will-never-get-my-eyeballs-clean-from-reading-the-grand-jury-report, mess.

A Google search of “ashton kutcher penn state” returns almost 1 million results whereas the phrase “speaker7 for president” returns nothing. Where is the justice? (Yes, I understand that by writing this, I will be only adding to Ashton’s Google result count, but now at least there might be one result for “speaker7 for president.” And if I became president, I would immediately dissolve three federal agencies: the education department, the commerce department and .  . . um. . . that other one….right, the Twitter department)

Seeing these stories about Ashton Kutcher almost make me mad enough to tip over a news van and chant the name of a football coach who pretty much gave tacit approval to someone in his employ to rape many, many vulnerable, defenseless children. Almost–I would never do something so bewilderingly moronic.

Admittedly I don’t follow Ashton Kutcher on Twitter. I don’t follow anyone on Twitter because I don’t understand it and I waste enough time on the Internet as it is. But I guess Mr. Kutcher will now have some PR firm vetting his tweets as if he was reporting from the Hindu Kush mountain range with the 2nd Ranger Battalion.

Mr. Kutcher feels “responsible to deliver informed opinions” to his 8 million followers.

I wonder how the PR firm will transform such bon mots of misinformation as #Twoandahalfmen the party starts now on the East Coast? Possibly #Twoandahalfman is a party I never want to attend on the East Coast?

We shall see.

Update speaker7.wordpress.com is now being vetted by a PR firm.

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Richard Scarry’s Busy, Busy Town

It is with a heavy heart that I make this announcement:

Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore’s probable divorce is something I care very little about.

Speaker7 before hearing the news

Speaker7 after hearing the news

I know I’m suppose to care. I know their split will likely make me question the fragility of my own marriage (actually, probably not). Yet whenever it’s on the news (because it is news, goddammit!), I find myself paging through my son’s copy of Busy, Busy Town by Richard Scarry. Did you know there are all kinds of writers? The best writers write children books in an office in busy, busy town.

The Today show really wants me to care so that makes me really want to try to care because I really, really seek the Today show’s approval. They want me to care so much that they made a little news documentary about the possible divorce all the while ignoring the Occupy Wall Street protest that is happening a few blocks away. Just to be clear, people protesting the way Wall Street ass-raped the entire country in 2008 and continues to do so is not news. Public employees caused the recession with their demands for actual living wages and decent working conditions. We should all go back to the heyday of working in meatpacking factories for 16 hours a day with no safety regulations whatsoever.

Millionaires tweeting inanities is news.

So some Gillette commercial actor pretending to be a news correspondent is telling the Barbie Doll anchor that something is seriously up in the House of Kutcher.  Demi Moore looks even more skeletal. Ashton was out alone partying hours before the couple’s 6th anniversary. “Even People Magazine is questioning the state of their union.” Holy sh*t!!!!!!!!!!! I had no idea it was this serious. People Magazine is questioning!?! That’s like if zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I’m back. What else is happening? I swear I saw this guy using the Gillette Profusion Glide®, but okay he’s a “reporter.” This “reporter” tells us we’re left to read between the tweets. Jesus @#$#*&! Christ. Okay, let’s get it over with.

Demi tweets: blah blah blah

Ashton tweets: Blee blee blee

We will now get to the bottom of this by interviewing two people who make far too much money doing stupid things for a living, Bonnie Fuller and some other person whose name I didn’t catch.

Bonnie says it was surprise that they were even together, but blah blah blah blah.

Barbie anchor asks about the difficulties of May-December romances since Demi is 15 years older. Let’s just point out that this is asked all the time about relationships between older men and younger women like:

  • Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie – 12 year age difference
  • Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart – 22 years
  • Michael Douglass and Catherine Zeta Jones – 25 years
  • Woody Allen and Soon-Yi Previn – 35 years
  • Rupert and Wendi Deng Murdoch – 37 years
  • Edward Cullen and Bella Swan – 92 years
  • Papa Smurf and Smurfette – 491 years

Except it’s not.

Other lady says younger men like older women because boringngngngngngnnggngngn. The power relationship has changed. When they met Demi was a Hollywood icon and Ashton was just an average joe making $10,000 an episode for a blah TV show. Today he’s making an obscene amount of money on a truly awful TV show. Growth.

So that’s the whole sordid tale for now. I will keep you posted.

Update: Speaker7 continues to not care about this story.

Betrayed by Journey

Okay Today show. I really wanted to lay off you today. I feel like I’ve been continually slamming every “news” bit you try to pass off as real news so I really wanted to give you a break today, Today.

But then you go and do this:

"There is no reason for me to be on TV, yet here I am!"

You have an “exclusive” interview with a loser, and devote nearly 10 minutes to it so what else can I do? You know they’re going to start hydrofracking in my state, right? The state where the Today show is filmed? Yeah, you’ve mentioned zero about that, and that shit is serious. But you give nearly 10 minutes to a bag a crap that did nothing more than sneak into a White House party. I feel like I’ve been betrayed by Journey, but we will get to that later.

So this loser, Tareq Ding-Dong, is weepy because his famewhore wife left him to go live with a leprechaun. Wait…that is a guitarist from Journey. What has happened to his face?

"I am Pennywise, the dancing clown"

Okay so he’s not exactly a clown. He looks more like this:

The clown is actually less scary.

This is a sidenote: To the older people of the world, please, please, please, stop putting plastic or poison into your faces. You do not look younger, you just look horribly horribly disfigured. I may not be the person to take advice from because I’ve already decided I’m keeping my gray hairs because I’m too lazy to go to a salon to maintain a dye job, but I think I speak for the world, when I say, you look so much better if you just age normally. Meg Ryan used to be beautiful, and now she looks like that leprechaun guitarist from Journey. End sidenote.

Ding-Dong had a beautiful marriage to Mrs. Ding-Dong until she went and jumped on a tour bus.

“(Mrs. Ding-Dong) going on a tour bus with a rock band,” weeps douche Ding-Dong. “That’s like what a groupie slut does.”

Mr. Ding-Dong, please do not denigrate the groupie sluts of the world by lumping your famewhore wife in that category. Groupie sluts actually contribute something to society–while that something may be herpes, your type contributes to the decline of civilization.

At first, Mr. Ding Dong thought his wife was taken by a dingo. He even texted Matt Lauer with his concerns. Matt Lauer first, then the FBI.

Matt Lauer is wearing his reading glasses in this “exclusive” interview signaling that this is some serious business.

“Okay dumbass, didn’t you have some clue?” says Matt Lauer, his reading glasses balanced on the end of his nose.

No, says Mr. Ding-Dong. We have new contracts, new TV offers. “We were on a comeback, if you will.” Let me help you for a second, Mr. Ding-Dong. One can have a comeback if one actually had a career to begin with (see: John Travolota and Pulp Fiction)…you cannot have a comeback if you are just a complete and utter loser who, again, did nothing more than a crash a State dinner.

“So Mrs. Ding-Dong left to be with a troll,” says Matt Lauer, peering over his glasses.

“A leprechaun,” corrects Mr. Ding-Dong. “We were best friends. In fact, I was friends with all of Journey. I feel like I’ve been betrayed by the whole gang of Journey.”

Mr. Ding-Dong, in essence, stopped believin’.

Matt Lauer dons a pair of kid gloves. “Here are some comments she made, and I’m paraphrasing,” he says. “She couldn’t take it anymore. Not only was she always in love with this leprechaun, you became unbearable to live with.”

She’s very cold, Mr. Ding-Dong replies. “I twitted (Mrs. Ding-Dong) please our dog is dying right now.” Twitted is just so, so apt.

The dog died, but did Mrs. Ding-Dong care?

“You are clearly emotional about this,” says Matt Lauer, seriously straightening his glasses. “And I apologize for being blunt here, but there are probably people watching, saying this couple became famous for all the wrong reasons. They then tried to stretch that 15 minutes of fame for as long as they possibly could and this is not an unexpected turn of events in what is in some ways a slow-motion train wreck called the (Ding-Dongs).”

Mr. Ding-Dong wishes Ashton Kutcher would jump out of the wings and blah blah blah, but alas, Mr. Ding-Dong has been lied to and duped.

“Do you want to say anything to Mrs. Ding-Dong? And let me just say that another million children now live in poverty…wait, I don’t want to say that because that is actually of some concern…um…right, do you want to say something to a person no one should ever care about,” states Matt Lauer.

“She broke our family,” drones Mr. Ding-Dong. “She broke our love. . . she wanted more fun, more fame, more celebrity. . . She jumped on a tour bus from the 1980s.”

Now that would be something I would like to see….only if the tour bus went off a cliff…and Mr. Ding-Dong was on it.