armageddon

We Had a Good Run, America

In a few days, it will be a new year, and some believe this is the year the world ends.

I’m not convinced. I consulted both my box of bones and magic eight ball, and they tell a different story, a story I’m not willing to share so close to Christmas (only 364 shopping days left!).

What is certain, is that America is done. Over. Kaput. Pfffttttttttt……..

Scientific proof:

Even looking at it hurts my ear drums (credit: saddest photographer in the world).

Roads and bridges are falling apart. Our food and products are filled with high fructose corn syrup and plasticized high fructose corn syrup-flavored corn syrup. Our schools are failing, and our children are so morbidly obese, their fingers get mistaken for hot dogs by the pack of wild dogs roaming our foreclosed suburbs. Even truck nutz look more shriveled than ever.

photo credit: world's saddest nutz sackz photographed by the world's second saddest photographer.

We had a good run…..well, except for slavery, Jim Crow, the extermination of the native people, the subjugation of women, stirrup pants, American Idol and celebrities who are famous for sex videos.

That’s it? We’re over just like that? I can change.

I don’t know….I feel like I’ve heard this from you before, America, and then you made me watch Bristol Palin on Dancing with the Stars, Season XXVIICCXXMM.

Give me a second chance.

This is more like your 477th. I’m still pissed about this:

Okay, here are a few things you can do to clean up your act. Consider them your New Year’s resolutions:

1. Fix shit. Remember how Wall Street f***** you over and made billions while everything crumbled? Still happening. Unlike you, they don’t want to change….ever.

2. Refuse to let John Boehner be a congressman until he does something about the orange hue of his skin and his incessant crying. Oh, and his horrible awful vomit-inducing grand-standing and scorched-earth policies. . . I’m amending this to refuse to let nearly every politician be an elected representative, and advocate for the election of Sesame Street muppets in their place.

3. Immediate deportation of anyone who uses the expression “Just sayin'” after they just f****** said something. “I think 9/11 was pretty bad, but tacos are yummy. Just sayin.'”

We’ll start here, and see how the year goes.

Of course this could still happen:

 

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The World Ends Today

I don’t really know the point of working on this post since the world is ending today. There’s a 67 percent chance the world will end before I even finish this sentence.

Should I even bother with a drawing? It takes actually drawing something and then scanning it and then putting it in photoshop then uploading it. The world could end during any of these steps.

I’m going to put this instead:

This is Donald Trump with Rick Perry’s hair. I didn’t know how to work it into my last post. Since the world is ending I figured I should use it now.

I would also like to show this:

This is Rick Perry with Donald Trump's hair. I also saw no way to use it in the last post. Now here it is for you to enjoy on your last day on earth.

Whew…I now feel like I wrapped up everything that I should have. . . although I probably should have tried to snag at least one Reese peanut butter cup from the king-size pack before my husband ate them all. It would have been nice to explode or whatever happens during end times with the taste of chocolatey peanut butter in my mouth.

You might be asking (if you have time to ask because the world could end now. Or now. Or right now. ….oorrrrrrr now) how do I know the world is ending? The Today show told me.

It seem appropriate that I would write my last post about the Today show since most of my posts are about the Today show. We had a good run, my friend. I loved all those times you sucked.

The female anchorbots who all look alike had a story about Harold Camping. He’s a 90-year-old preacher who likes to predict Armageddon. He has done it three times, the most recent being today. He said the end would come very quietly.

That’s nice.

I would be disappointed if the end turned out to be just like a terrible Michael Bay movie.

The female anchorbots laughed and laughed about this. They made “funny” “jokes” like:

“If I go out of focus, you’ll know my cameraman’s  just been raptured”

and

“I hope his track record continues”

Bwhahahahahahahahaha! Funny stuff, except aren’t you the very ones giving this giant goofball attention? He could say his crazy predictions on his little radio station, and his listeners could cash in their 401ks to buy big boxes of wine and that would be that. But you have given this story national significance. . . so now I think Harry Camping may have a point.

Especially since later in the show,  you spotlighted the most popular Halloween costumes. The most popular are the “Charlie Sheen” complete with a bottle of tiger’s blood and the “Anthony Weiner” complete with a giant prosthetic penis.

If that doesn’t foreshadow the end times, I don’t know what does….

The World Will End *insert date*

Okay so this hurricane is here, wreaking havoc and being a total bitch – this guy’s words not mine–and you may be wondering what you should do.

I would worry less about listening to the “meteorologists” and “public officials” and focus more on the people who are here to tell us what this storm really means. . . like radio personality Glenn Beck. Beck hasn’t always been accurate in his soothsaying in the past like when he predicted Aug. 22, 2006 was, “the day Israel’s going to be wiped off the map, leading to all out Armageddon.” Okay, so that didn’t happen. And usually when you say something like such-and-such date “is the day Israel’s going to wiped off the map, leading to all out Armageddon” and then that day passes with little fanfare, you’re likely going to look like an a-hole, and people may begin to second-guess the stuff you say. But Beck is really onto something this time.

I would get out your chalkboard to write this down. You don’t have a chalkboard!?! Go buy one. Right now! I’ll wait.

You’re back? Okay. So Beck basically said this hurricane was a “blessing from God” (I’d hate to see what it looks like when God is smiting someone). Just like with the earthquake, God is reminding us that we are not in control, which I imagine Beck needs little reminding.

Proof:

The Mona Lisa
Glenn Beck is crying. It is Saturday. 

Beck has been saying “for years” to be prepared for something like this to happen. And you’re a “dummy” if you haven’t been stocking up on guns, ammo, food and water.

Beck also has said this: “I just–I’m white. I’m human. There are a lot of environmentalists that don’t like humans, but within the humans that accept humans, I’m white. The majority of humans don’t like whites.”

Good to know. So how should you handle this impending blessing from God?

Do not, I repeat, do not go to the store to pick up food and water because you will seriously look like a “dummy” for not listening to Beck sooner. It’s better to save face. Here’s what you can do instead:

1. Trade your money in for gold coins.  Some possible places to get them? I’m just spitballing here, but try Goldline.

2. Buy a chalkboard. I’m really serious about this. I still can’t believe you haven’t gotten one yet. Oh. . .Staples won’t take gold coins? Shoot. Okay, well trade some of your gold coins in for cash to buy that chalkboard. What? You got less back then what you paid for? Not my problem.

3. Develop your own conspiracy theory about why this storm is happening. “God is reminding you you’re not in control” has already been taken. You can jump on that bandwagon, but if you want to get interviewed on TV or blogged about, try to outdo Beck. Some possible suggestions:

  • God hates the northeast because it’s filled with liberals
  • God hates the northeast because it’s filled with gays
  • God hates the northeast because it’s filled with Muslims
  • God hates the northeast because it’s filled with abortionists aborting all babies excepts ones that are liberal, gay or Muslim
  • God hates the northeast because it’s filled with illegal immigrants
  • God hates the northeast because it’s filled with liberal, gay, Muslim, abortion-loving illegal immigrants

That should do it. These tips will also work well in a variety of natural disasters, e.g. zombie apocalypse, Armageddon, Obama reelection, etc.