amityville horror 2

What all Women Wish For

I’m going to talk about the Genie Bra™.

The Genie Bra™ is what all women wish for. If I talk about the Genie Bra™ then I won’t have to think about Paranormal Activity 3 and my intention to write about my inability to watch horror films.

Is this you? (Try to envision a woman vigorously yanking on bra straps) Do you feel like you’re in a constant battle with willful bra straps that won’t do what they’re told? I swear every time that g-ddamn Paranormal Activity 3 trailer comes on, I can never find the g-ddamn remote and I have to see those little girls say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror. You can write Bloody Mary without getting into trouble, correct? Typing Blood Mary into a screened device is not the same as saying it three times into a mirror. I guess you just have to be careful not to write it three times. . . aw sh*t.

Does your underwire cut into your skin? (try to envision a woman jabbing her bra fasteners into her back several times) I really don’t know what my problem is. I am an extremely rational person and don’t normally give into hysterics even when my bra’s underwire is slicing into my skin, but when I watch a horror movie, I am convinced I will bring that horror upon myself. I placed all my stuffed animals on a window seat by the stair landing to protect me from the vampires in Salem’s Lot. I spent most of my childhood sleeping on a single mattress on the floor of my parent’s bedroom after I thought watching Amityville 2 would be a good idea. This would happen again and again after watching countless horror movies I clearly could not handle. In fact the last time I slept on my parent’s floor, I was 26. They were so proud.

Does this look like you? (Envision a woman in a red turtleneck with what looks like two sea urchins under her shirt) I actually read the Wikipedia entry on Paranormal Activity 3 to prepare for this blog post, and I clicked the links for the plot summaries for the first two. So now I know what these movies are about without actually having seen them. This was insanity on my part. Everything’s fine now because it’s a nice, sunny Sunday afternoon. But it will soon be night. I will go to bed before my husband because he is a night owl, and I will be convinced the closet door will open on its own and some evil spirit will beckon to me. One night after inadvertently catching the entire trailer, I must have turned on my bedroom light 405 times to “investigate” the “noise” I just heard.

Isn’t it time you stopped your daily struggle with uncomfortable bras that prevent you from looking your best? (Envision a woman twisting and tugging at her bra as if she’s trying shake important information out of it) “There’s got to be another way,” says one uncomfortable-bra-ed woman. I can’t tell you how many times I have woken up in the middle of a piercing scream. It is very unsettling for the people who live in the same house. I think what bothers me most is many of these movies aren’t even very good, but yet they stick into my subconscious like a sea urchin to a turtleneck. I wish I could get my hands on some type of wish-granting device like a Genie Bra™ to wish my fear away because there’s got to be another way.

Oh, here’s what the Genie Bra™ looks like:

Now only 3 easy payments of $19.99!!

 

 

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