america’s got talent

10 Top TV shows

Ah TV, my old friend. We’ve had some good times especially when watching Good Times. I am cheered by your version of reality. I am invigorated by your infomercials. I am empowered by your mute button.

How can I possibly select the top 10 things you considerately displayed to me over the last 11 1/2 months? It seems like a fool’s journey or a….um….well if I watched less TV I could probably come up with another analogy.

Maybe it would be best to go with the 10 top TV shows I did not watch? Yes, let’s do that.

1. Two and a Half Men – This show uncovers the seedy underbelly of life on the vaudeville circuit for two ventriloquists and their life-size man puppet. Things took an ugly twist in the fall of this year, when the puppet veered off the wrong path and decided to head to Pleasure Island where all inhabitants are turned into jackasses. When the ventriloquists set out to rescue the puppet, they return with the wrong jackass, but the younger, dumber jackass is somehow inserted successfully into the show,  and their show is somehow  watched by millions of people.

1. Whitney  – This show pretends to be a comedy, but is really a documentary of a paranoid delusional woman who believes everything she says is funny. Luckily, the male costar is just a figment of her imagination.

1. America’s Got Talent – Yes, yes it does–it’s just not featured on this show. But it could be out there somewhere and that’s what makes the American Dream live on.

1. CSI: Gantts Quarry – This series follows a crack crime scene investigation team based in Gantts Quarry, Ala., which has a population of 0. How is that possible? That’s why it needs a crack crime scene investigation to solve the mystery through DNA thinga-ma-stuff.

1. Kardashian Knightmare Kontinues – This series chronicles the KKK’s rise to power through fear and big asses. Thankfully, their influence appears to be waning.

1. Real Housewives of Gantts Quarry – This chronicles the real-life experiences of five housewives who live in a town of 0 people. It is riveting.

10. Nightly News  – This sitcom sets itself apart by presenting entertainment as actual news. The actors do a phenomenal job of keeping a straight face while reporting the exploits of Lindsey Lohan as something someone should give two shits about. Bravo!

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Please don’t make me make a decision on whether I suffer from decision fatigue

While deciding whether I have the will to cook dinner or instead earn my nutrients by sucking down glass after glass of wine (grapes, antioxidants, cork protein), I came across this NY Times Magazine article. It made me appreciate the “job” of Larry King’s replacement, Ozzela Osborne and Rubber Glovehead on the show America’s Unemployed Should Be Put to Work in Different Manner. I had cruelly dismissed the show as somewhat non exciting and the end of America in this post that I accessed several times from my iPad to get my viewing count up (4 views, yo).

But I give them props (the kids still say that, right?). These people/mannequins had to sit through a bunch of acts and then make a decision, and making a bunch of decisions can lead you to impulsive acts like buying a shake weight or cutting yourself off from reality altogether, according to people who study stuff and coin new syndromes (see restless leg syndrome). They conducted experiments and had people who shopped at a mall (people still do that?) stick their hands in lukewarm water to see who would pee themselves first, I may not be entirely accurate in my reading, but the heavy shoppers peed sooner than the ones who didn’t have to make choices between which horrible Kim Karzdigiohsiishain KBebe koutfit to buy. And they peed faster because their will to live had been sapped by the suck of consumerism fatigue the comes from making tons of decisions about  meaningless material items that were made by Indonesian fetuses.

This explains a lot. This explains why I was willing to use a cardboard box as a car seat because I could not make a decision between the 123,078 varieties out there while consulting childcare books that informed me if I made the wrong decision, I was basically committing infanticide. This explains why I spent many years at a job that I hated because I didn’t want to put in the necessary decision-making to change the course of my life. This explains why I was watching America’s Got Talent.

But at least now I have something to blame it on like when I can’t come up with an original ending for a blog post–that’s my decision fatigue, brother.

Kinetic Kings are Worth What?

Due to recession and baby (the recession,baby), I spend a lot of evenings indoors, relying on the television for entertainment. This is why having a baby is difficult because you are subject to the whims of network programming (Who can afford cable, man? I mean, do you have it? You do. Where do you live?). So last night I saw It’s Worth What? also known as The Unrelatable Price is Right? and Why is This On? The host is Cedric the Entertainer and the basic premise is the contestants are presented with a bunch of obscenely expensive items and they need to determine which thing is the most obscenely expensive. So like Cedric will bring out an albino caribou with fins and a piano made out of foie gras and the contestants are like “Wha? I have no fucking idea. I will pick the piano? Based on absolutely no rationale whatsoever because why would I know anything about either item? I shop at fucking Aldi man. Have you seen the price of meat these days? Jesus Christ, I’ve been out of work for six months” and then Cedric shouts “IT’S WORTH WHAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTT?” and the little computer screens next to the caribou eating the foie gras piano run through a bunch of huge prices until settling on what each costs, and of course the albino-finned caribou is $523,000 compared to the $345,000 foie gras piano, and the contestant is like “You expect me to register any emotion about this?” and the producers point to the line in the contract that states “You must express emotion in even the most ridiculous situations” and so the contestant then puts his face in his hands and shakes his head as if to say “I should have known the caribou was more expensive, I am such an idiot” and it continues for what feels like another 700 rounds.

I know this is supposed to be the rich fool’s The Price is Right, but no one cares what rich fools waste their money on while they’re exporting jobs oversees. It’s far too abstract. The contestants might as well be choosing between the value of a circle compared to a square or an asteroid to a meteor (fyi-the circle and meteor are the more expensive). The reason why The Price is Right has been on for 300 years is because you can actually play along. Most people have been in supermarkets and picked up a box of Rice-a-Roni and can make a pretty educated guess if that box costs more than a bar of Irish Spring. And it’s got Plinko.

So I make it through the whole show–it is an hour!?!–and then up next is America’s Fucking Sad, which is a “talent” competition featuring “celebrity” judges. The despair weighing me down has made it impossible to lift my body from the sofa so I’m watching the Wild Card episode where they bring back failures to make nearly all of them subject to another round of failures. First up is the Kinetic King, and he builds little structures out of tongue depressors and aluminum cans, and he pulls a string that knocks them all down due to kinetics or royalty. You know how dominoes look all cool and make designs that you weren’t expecting when knocked over? Well this isn’t it.  This is just a big jumble of sticks and cans. And I know that if I roll a can into a bunch of other cans, they will knock over so what is the talent exactly? I guess it would be cool if I saw this as a demonstration at the Local Science Museum of Kinetic Jamboree after I got my hair all staticky on the ball of electricity, but it’s just what my living and dining rooms look like after my kinetic son is done playing his favorite game of knocking things over and throwing things around. The last time on the show the sticks and cans stayed upright so the Kinetic King is psyched that it worked this time. He’s so psyched that he gets in fetal position and sucks his thumb, and I realize the dream of America has ended.

Next up are little people inside puppets with giant heads, and they do a lip synch to a They Might Be Giants’ song. Talk-Show Host and Phone-Hacker Piers Morgan positively hates this act and is disgusted that Glove-Balloon Howie Mandel has brought it back, because he has standards like the fetal-prone Kinetic King. And I’m done for the night.

So this morning, I read how watching TV shortens your life and I’m like “You expect me to register any emotion on this?”