America

We Had a Good Run, America

In a few days, it will be a new year, and some believe this is the year the world ends.

I’m not convinced. I consulted both my box of bones and magic eight ball, and they tell a different story, a story I’m not willing to share so close to Christmas (only 364 shopping days left!).

What is certain, is that America is done. Over. Kaput. Pfffttttttttt……..

Scientific proof:

Even looking at it hurts my ear drums (credit: saddest photographer in the world).

Roads and bridges are falling apart. Our food and products are filled with high fructose corn syrup and plasticized high fructose corn syrup-flavored corn syrup. Our schools are failing, and our children are so morbidly obese, their fingers get mistaken for hot dogs by the pack of wild dogs roaming our foreclosed suburbs. Even truck nutz look more shriveled than ever.

photo credit: world's saddest nutz sackz photographed by the world's second saddest photographer.

We had a good run…..well, except for slavery, Jim Crow, the extermination of the native people, the subjugation of women, stirrup pants, American Idol and celebrities who are famous for sex videos.

That’s it? We’re over just like that? I can change.

I don’t know….I feel like I’ve heard this from you before, America, and then you made me watch Bristol Palin on Dancing with the Stars, Season XXVIICCXXMM.

Give me a second chance.

This is more like your 477th. I’m still pissed about this:

Okay, here are a few things you can do to clean up your act. Consider them your New Year’s resolutions:

1. Fix shit. Remember how Wall Street f***** you over and made billions while everything crumbled? Still happening. Unlike you, they don’t want to change….ever.

2. Refuse to let John Boehner be a congressman until he does something about the orange hue of his skin and his incessant crying. Oh, and his horrible awful vomit-inducing grand-standing and scorched-earth policies. . . I’m amending this to refuse to let nearly every politician be an elected representative, and advocate for the election of Sesame Street muppets in their place.

3. Immediate deportation of anyone who uses the expression “Just sayin'” after they just f****** said something. “I think 9/11 was pretty bad, but tacos are yummy. Just sayin.'”

We’ll start here, and see how the year goes.

Of course this could still happen:

 

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It’s A-Okay!

I learn so much as a human being who has eyes and ears and occasional numbness in my pinky toe. But I had no idea how much I repressed what I said until I saw this on Facebook:

I wept silently into my Old Glory hotpants for about an hour. But after my crying jag, I felt liberated. Clearly Christmas is under attack. Why else would Christmas decorations go up Oct. 25 when they should be up after July 4th? The intention is to rip this holy commercial holiday right out of baby Jesus’ tiny baby hands and beat the crap out of it with baseball bats emblazoned with the slogan: “Happy Holidays from Al Qaeda!”

But guys.. did you know it’s okay to say “Merry Christmas” and “God Bless America” without being struck down by the iron fist of straw men?  I feel like a giant weight made out of air has been lifted off my shoulders.

However this got me thinking: what else is it “okay to say” that for some reason or other I wasn’t saying because it was not beautifully set against a backdrop of a waving flag?

Get ready for some freedomy freedom being freedomed your way:

And lastly my favorite:

Keep the Strange

Holy turdballs!

There are times when one is faced with adversity, and one has to summon the strength to overcome it and be the better for it.

This is not one of those times.

Countrysinger Hank Williams Jr. is mad at ESPN and Fox & Friends because they’re turded all over his freedoms such as his freedom to be paid millions in licensing fees for screaming “Are you ready for some football!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” before the weekly Monday Night football snoozefest. His voice’s ouster resulted from his saying on Fox & Assorted Imbeciles that Obama’s golf outing with the orange-hued John Boehner is like Hitler playing golf with an oompa loompa from the 1971 classic film Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory:

What’s a millionaire to do except write the worst song in the history of civilization?

I downloaded this song.

My life will never the be the same.

I repeatedly listened to Keep the Change in order to write this blog post. My ears feel violated as if Hitler used them as his golf tees in his friendly game with Netanyahu.

In the first and second verses, Bocefus lists all of the freedoms he will keep such as:

1. his freedom

2. his guns

3. his money

4. his religion

5. his job

6. his smile

7. his Christian name

8. his heroes’ pictures on the wall

9. his family’s safety

10. his freedom to call your bluff

11. his big V8(??)

12. his friends

13. his right to keep the government out of his business

14. his turdishly awful songwriting “ability”

But you know what the rest of y’all can do? Y’all can keep the change.

Oh dear mother of horrible songwriting. It’s just, it’s just soooooo not good. It makes Rebecca Black’s Friday sound like Un bel di from Madame Butterfly.

Now I saw a video on Youtube of Hank singing these same exact words from a venue in 2009 so this feels a bit Candle-in-the-Windesque. But there is a new third verse, which is just killer:

“So ‘Fox and Friends’ / Wanna put me down / Ask for my opinion / Then twist it all around / Supposed to be talking about my father’s new CD / Well two can play that gotcha game, just wait and see / Don’t tread on me”

The chorus is just how the country is now socialist and going down the drain.

You can download the song for free on Hank’s website, which seems a bit socialist if you ask me. It’s like Karl Marx writing a song with Hitler to sing on Socialist American Idol (premiering Jan. 3 on Fox).

Because his freedoms are being stymied, Hank appeared to give his point of view on The Irrelevant Yapping Show. You may also know this as The View.

Hank has one of the flapping heads read from a dictionary. He says the golf game was a bunch of politicians “juking.” He says “Mickey’s a mean mouse” (Disney owns ESPN and The View because corporate control of all media is so freedomy). He likes this Mickey and points to the name Mantle on the back of his Yankees shirt. All the while the flapping heads talk over him. This appearance was very, very strange.

And you know what y’all can do?

Y’all can keep the strange.

This Post Will Be Unpopular

People seem to really like Twilight.

Like this person:


There are teams, I guess part of the vampire baseball league, that people sign up for, there are Twilight conventions, there is this:

The Mona Lisa

I am adding my own contribution to the the Twilibrary; a condensed Cliff Notes of all four books that I wrote after reading them in 2008. It’s a bit incomplete because I stopped summarizing about 334 pages into the third book.  Before you read it, I should say that I’m really not a fan of the books. Here’s the thing though, buddy. This is America. Love it or leave it pal or what I mean, is America is full of melting pots and salads bowls of differing opinions.  And if someone doesn’t agree with you then you call them a Communist or liberal pukeball or Volturi-lover (I’m imagining that is an insult).

Book 1: Twilight

Hi I’m Bella. I moved to Forks, WA, because my mom is obsessed with her new minor league hubby and since I’m so mature (a characteristic that will continue to be refuted by the next 2,500 pages of my insipid thoughts), I decided to hightail to my dad’s house. I’m clumsy and plain. Every boy in Forks loves me. Oh look there’s a hot guy with topaz eyes and really really white skin. His name is Edward and he has three equally pale-looking siblings. He’s hot, hot, hot!  Whoa, he like totally hates me, wtf? Oh now he saves me from being hit by a van. How did he move so fast? Oh, he’s a vampire. Who’s hot. He loves me because my blood is the sweetest blood he’s ever smelled (um yuck? I mean *sigh*) Oh here comes a plot…kind of…(on page 856) vampire baseball game..these other outta town vamps want to play, and one named James smells me and now must spend his life tracking me down. I flee with Edward’s “brother” Jasper and “sister” Alice, but then James calls and says he has my mom, so I leave defenseless because hmm. . . And now I’m being beaten to death and bitten, but Edward shows up at the last minute and sucks the vampire venom from my hand. We go to the prom. I want to be a vampire. That is my entire thought process on it well except for thoughts that I hope I’m pretty. Did I mention Edward was hot?

Book 2: New Moon

Edward, who is really, really good-looking,  is leaving me because Jasper wanted to kill me when I got a paper cut. This seems plausible. I become nothing.  I do some awesome things like ride a motorcycle, walk in dangerous neighborhoods where I’m almost gang-raped, and cliff dive because I can hallucinate Edward’s voice telling me to cut this shit out. This is the greatest love story ever with the exception of Sid and Nancy and OJ and Nicole. Oh and then I lob onto this friend of the family named Jacob who turns out to be a werewolf and he’s totally in love with me, because who isn’t? Did I mention I’m plain and clumsy. Werewolves hate vampires and there’s a treaty and zzzzzzzzzzz….  I cliff dive alone and then as I’m drowning, I see Edward and decide this is an awesome time to die, but then Jacob rescues me because otherwise the series would end. Alice can see into the future, but can’t see werewolves because necessary plot point and then she comes to Forks to comfort my dad. She finds out the Edward thinks I’m dead so he’s going to Italy to meet up with the royal vampire family the Volturi to request his death..and zzzzzzzzzzz……Vampires sparkle (seriously?) in the sunlight so he’s gonna step out into the public square at noon and force the Volturi to kill him. I save him and blah blah and now the Volturi want me to be vampire because I know too much…and Edward loves me so now I can live again because remember girls: You are nothing without a man even if his body is at room temperature and he does drink blood.  Yea for me!

Book 3: Eclipse

Edward’s hot, hot, hot. I’m plain. I want to be a vampire!!! Ed said he’d turn me only if I marry him first. OMG!!! I can’t marry him..that’s totally f***ed up, but what isn’t is the idea of ending my human life and spending eternity with him, that’s an easy decision like paper or plastic. Jacob wants me bad!!! But Edward wants to keep me from him so he removes my car battery and has Alice hold me hostage when he’s out hunting animals, and no one anywhere thinks that’s insane. Feminism is vanquished. I want to be a vampire!!! Uh-oh, a newborn vamp is killing people in Seattle. I totally want Edward’s marbled body. . .oh Jacob kisses me! What will I look like when I’m a vampire….

(editor’s note: the rest of this may or may not have happened)

I looked up into the grayish sky. The color reminded me of marble, which then made me think of Edward’s marbled arms holding and cradling me like a baby. He does that sometime because we have this weird father-daughter, abusive boyfriend-humiliated girlfriend kind of relationship. I was knocked out of my reverie by a shining white light in the sky.

“Edward, what’s that?” I asked him, marveling at his beautiful mouth and eyes and hair and ears and nose and teeth and eyelashes. I then tripped over a peddle and Edward caught me in his cold, marbled arms.

“I’m not sure. I like how you smell,” he said.

Just then Alice and the rest of the family came running into the clearing.

“It’s a nuclear bomb!” Alice screamed.

There was a terrible explosion and everyone died.

Book 4: Breaking dawn

……. (go watch Buffy)