I used to be a girl scout.
I didn’t last very long. Six months, tops. I don’t like camping or people or camping with people. I like Girl Scout cookies. I like the eating of Girl Scout cookies, not the selling of them, which is something you do if you are a girl scout. I am not a seller. One horrible summer, I had a temporary job selling family portraits in the mall. The lure was getting the mark to sign up for the chance to win a $500 shopping spree. While they signed up, you were suppose to go into your spiel about buying a portrait. This was mine: “Oh…um….we’re also selling portraits? Yeah…um…so if you’re not interested, I won’t bother talking about it?”
Not a seller.
I loved those badges, though. I wanted every last stinkin’ one of them even though I had no desire to master the skill the badge represented. I had four. My memory’s hazy but I believe I had the “Shows ability to breathe” badge, “Showed up for a Girl Scouts meeting” badge, “Really wants a badge” badge, and “Ate the most Girl Scouts cookies” badge. Not an illustrious career.
I would like to say I got out because I didn’t approve of the Girl Scouts’ pro-abortion, pro-hot sex and pro-Communist agenda, but that would make me crazy. And I rather let Indiana State Rep. Bob Morris say it for me (I believe his letter to the Republican caucus earns him the “Batshit crazy” badge).
Judging from his picture, I would say Bob has a very healthy attitude toward sex and is living the Christian life that he should. This is Bob:
"I look completely normal."
Now why is Bob writing this letter? Well because the Indiana Legislature is poised to pass some meaningless resolution recognizing the 100th anniversary of the nefarious undertakings of the Girl Scouts of America. Bob found all of his information from talking to “well-informed constituents” and surfing the Web. I engaged in the same rigorous study and uncovered that Bob Morris’s brain was eaten by woodchucks (source: speaker7.wordpress.com).
The Girl Scouts have become a “tactical arm of Planned Parenthood” and are in danger of making “our daughters” more receptive to the pro-abortion agenda, he writes.
Dammit! Are you telling me I missed out on this badge!?!
How did that happen!?! I am ALL about abortions. I love me some abortions. What woman doesn’t?!? That’s why I say I’m pro-abortion because that is what that side believes in, baby (or I should say notbaby).
“A Girl Scouts of America training program last year used the Planned Parenthood sex education pamphlet ‘Happy, Healthy and Hot.’ The pamphlet instructs young girls not to think of sex as ‘just about vaginal or anal intercourse. There is no right or wrong way to have sex. Just have fun, explore and be yourself!'” Bob writes.
Now I could find no proof anywhere that this actually happened, but neither could I find proof that a Bob Morris fundraiser last year included a demonstration on how to have tantric sex with livestock. Doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.
But I’m totally bummed that I missed out on the “Hot sex” badge:
Many people are abandoning Girl Scouts because they promote a homosexual lifestyle, Bob writes. The Girl Scouts encourage girls to examine the lives of 50 (unidentified) role models who are predominately gay, feminist or communist or all three, states Bob. There is no reason to identify the role models. The same way there is no reason to fact check this statement: Bob Morris had a love child with Osama Bin Laden.
Is communism still a thing to be scared about? Oh yes, that’s right, I could have gotten this badge:
Bob’s daughters used to be active in their girl scout troup, but not anymore. I hope it has something to do with their hatred of camping, but I fear it has more to do with their father being beyond awful.
And unfortunately there is no Girl Scout badge for that.