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How To Read 50 Shades of Grey

Alice of Alice at Wonderland has a guest post up at The Official How To Blog. I believe it mentions butt plugs so you know it has to be a good.

The Official How To Blog

Alice of Alice at Wonderland has been slogging through the literary anal dribblings of E.L. James for what feels like an eternity. There is only so much “Fair point, well made Miss Steele/Mrs. Grey” and “Laters baby” one can read before one feels as if they’ve been sucked into a Groundhog-Day-like reality of which there is no escape.

If after reading the above paragraph, you still desire to pore through the monotonous ramblings of an author who knows neither plot or character development, then Alice has prepared a handy how-to on how to slog through this pile o’crap.

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Have you wondered what all the fuss was about with 50 Shades, but been scared to read it?  Of course you have!  With this simple guide, you can read 50 Shades of Grey and possibly keep your sanity.

How To Read 50 Shades

  1. Download it to your e-reader.  Then if someone…

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How To Take The Joy Out of Education

Heather from Becoming Cliche has a guest post up at The Official How To Blog today!

The Official How To Blog

Heather of Becoming Cliche joins The Official How To Blog today to tackle the issue of super-duper education policy that has thankfully turned our public school students into bubbling machines. You’ve got a circle that needs to be colored in? By all means, grab your nearest eight-year-old cuz that kid knows what’s up. Incidentally that same child might not know what’s up in the sky because science is optional.

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1) Determine the best way to measure success.  This means test scores. Duh! There’s no such thing as potential that can’t be measured. If it ain’t on the score sheet, it ain’t there, folks. 

2) Use test scores appropriately. Preferably to pigeonhole kids so we know where to focus our attention. No sense pouring money down a sinkhole, after all. Bad score? No Honors English for you next year. What? You didn’t take  Honors English this year? Sorry, no…

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How to peel an orange

Is this you?
“I’m trying to peel this orange, and I just sliced my face open with a chainsaw!!?!”
Well, slice your face open with a chainsaw while peeling an orange no longer!
Merbear of the Knocked Over with a Feather Empire has a guest post up at The Most Official How to Blog that will teach you the skillz to peel the orange billz.

The Official How To Blog

Merbear of Knocked Over By a Feather felt compelled to write about a serious topic that has been affecting many, many people: the struggle of citrus encapsulation, or SOCE.

Before Merbear submitted her informative post, I had been peeling my oranges with a banana peel because I thought that was its purpose. Now I know more and you can too!

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Step one: Check to see how long your nails are. If they are short and nubby, your going to need an extra five minutes, if not longer.

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Step 2: Squeeze the orange to check for thickness of the rind. Get a good feel for it. Rub it. Become one with it. Learn the language of citrus.

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Step 3: Gently place your thumb at the top of the orange. Press firmly, until you smell the delightful aroma of oranges permeate the air. Imagine yourself on a boat by a river…(This process…

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Came across this new blog. It’s outstanding! Do I think this because I created it? That is as much of a mystery as what happened to the first six speakers. Don’t feel obligated to follow although I will engage in step 4 if you don’t, and it will be uncomfortable and awkward for all involved. This blog is also looking for writers–unpaid of course because money corrupts all–so if interested, contact TOHTB today.

The Official How To Blog

You have just started a blog. No one cares.

Follow these sure-fire steps to increase your readership tenfold. Do not be swayed by the fact that this blog has no followers. It will once I follow the steps that I will create from consulting a magic eight ball.

Step 1: Write about popular topics. Simply mentioning Fifty Shades will drive traffic to your blog. Do not worry. You do not have to actually read the book. Other popular topics:

  • salsa
  • the dust bowl
  • sequestration
  • VHS vs. Betamax

Step 2: Include pictures. People like to look at stuff, but good stuff not crap stuff. Design your own composite of Christian Grey (seriously Fifty Shades will get you hits). Something like this:

Step 3: Douse your blog in generous amounts of Axe Body Spray.

Step 4: Ask people to follow your blog. When they attempt to brush you off, start crying and…

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Last Le Duel in the Le Blog Le Duel

For some reason, WordPress’s reblogging button is proving to be as stubborn as a catheter in retirement center orgy. This sentence will make more sense when you read the glorious post by Sips of Jen and Tonic over on Le Clown’s blog.

This is what I tried to reblog:

The last entry in the Le Blog Duel and it’s a duel-zzy. You have to understand, Jen and Tonic is a diabolical mastermind genius person and this post is a masterpiece of diabolical mastermind genius personism. Please click on link and LIKE with a big L.

Click here.

At Least the Cookies are Good

I used to be a girl scout.

I didn’t last very long. Six months, tops. I don’t like camping or people or camping with people. I like Girl Scout cookies. I like the eating of Girl Scout cookies, not the selling of them, which is something you do if you are a girl scout. I am not a seller. One horrible summer, I had a temporary job selling family portraits in the mall. The lure was getting the mark to sign up for the chance to win a $500 shopping spree. While they signed up, you were suppose to go into your spiel about buying a portrait. This was mine: “Oh…um….we’re also selling portraits? Yeah…um…so if you’re not interested, I won’t bother talking about it?”

Not a seller.

I loved those badges, though. I wanted every last stinkin’ one of them even though I had no desire to master the skill the badge represented. I had four. My memory’s hazy but I believe I had the “Shows ability to breathe” badge, “Showed up for a Girl Scouts meeting” badge, “Really wants a badge” badge, and “Ate the most Girl Scouts cookies” badge. Not an illustrious career.

I would like to say I got out because I didn’t approve of the Girl Scouts’ pro-abortion, pro-hot sex and pro-Communist agenda, but that would make me crazy. And I rather let Indiana State Rep. Bob Morris say it for me (I believe his letter to the Republican caucus earns him the “Batshit crazy” badge).

Judging from his picture, I would say Bob has a very healthy attitude toward sex and is living the Christian life that he should. This is Bob:

"I look completely normal."

Now why is Bob writing this letter? Well because the Indiana Legislature is poised to pass some meaningless resolution recognizing the 100th anniversary of the nefarious undertakings of the Girl Scouts of America. Bob found all of his information from talking to “well-informed constituents” and surfing the Web. I engaged in the same rigorous study and uncovered that Bob Morris’s brain was eaten by woodchucks (source: speaker7.wordpress.com).

The Girl Scouts have become a “tactical arm of Planned Parenthood” and are in danger of making “our daughters” more receptive to the pro-abortion agenda, he writes.

Dammit! Are you telling me I missed out on this badge!?!

How did that happen!?! I am ALL about abortions. I love me some abortions. What woman doesn’t?!? That’s why I say I’m pro-abortion because that is what that side believes in, baby (or I should say notbaby).

“A Girl Scouts of America training program last year used the Planned Parenthood sex education pamphlet ‘Happy, Healthy and Hot.’ The pamphlet instructs young girls not to think of sex as ‘just about vaginal or anal intercourse. There is no right or wrong way to have sex. Just have fun, explore and be yourself!'” Bob writes.

Now I could find no proof anywhere that this actually happened, but neither could I find proof that a Bob Morris fundraiser last year included a demonstration on how to have tantric sex with livestock. Doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.

But I’m totally bummed that I missed out on the “Hot sex” badge:

Many people are abandoning Girl Scouts because they promote a homosexual lifestyle, Bob writes. The Girl Scouts encourage girls to examine the lives of 50 (unidentified) role models who are predominately gay, feminist or communist or all three, states Bob. There is no reason to identify the role models. The same way there is no reason to fact check this statement: Bob Morris had a love child with Osama Bin Laden.

Is communism still a thing to be scared about?  Oh yes, that’s right, I could have gotten this badge:

Bob’s daughters used to be active in their girl scout troup, but not anymore. I hope it has something to do with their hatred of camping, but I fear it has more to do with their father being beyond awful.

And unfortunately there is no Girl Scout badge for that.

Ronald Reagan’s name is mentioned in this post.

I’m drunk.

This was unintended. I knew I needed to write a Turd of the Week™ post. The orphans of America need it. The widows of America need it. The widowed orphans of America need it.

But let’s say it: I’m in a bit of a slump. Does that make you feel better, you widowed orphans with your gruel and your tears and your “please, sir, I want some more”? I bet it does. I bet it feels just as good as a second helping of slop slopped into a dented bowl.

So I opened a bottle of wine and poured it down my gullet, hoping the fermented grapes would help me on my turd vision quest.

There is a veritable turd cornucopia happening in D.C. at this moment. The Conservative Political Action Conference, CPAC, is underway. Ann Coulter has stated that only pretty girls are right-wing. The name Ronald Reagan has been mentioned 5,124,902,321 times. And I have heard too much…hence the drunkative drunkical drunkation drunference of 2012 sponsored by Beringer.

I really should have stuck with sussing out the “emotional” interview a “real” “housewife” had with a “real” “doctor.” I am meaning the collagen-lipped Taylor Armstrong and the celebrity-rehabbed Dr. Drew. But I gave up after one fruitless Google search and a half-hour wasted on Facebook reading people’s Pinterests.

And while they are both turds, they did not meet the stringent requirements of Turd of the Week™.

Rep. Sen. Mitch McConnell spoke at CPAC. This is him:

He said many things I didn’t understand, but then again I do not speak turtle. He ended his speech with the rallying cry: “Don’t pick on Fox News!!”

Not bad.

But then I thought I should watch Newt Gingrich’s speech. It was 30 minutes long. Thirty minutes long. It was thirty minutes long. It was as long as a sitcom rerun without the commercial break. It’s still happening. I began writing this blog post after his 10th mention of Ronald Reagan. I pick up my earbud, and he’s still talking. “The corporate tax rate should be 12 percent. Ronald Reagan,” he bleats.

And I down my second bottle and weep.

President Obama wants to declare war on the Catholic Church, Newt insists. I am thinking this has something to do with the new health care rule that requires insurance coverage for birth control. As someone who has frequent affairs, Newt should be a fan of birth control. But he’s more a fan of pandering to a crowd of people who likely also use birth control otherwise the Duggan family wouldn’t have a reality show, right?

So he’s a giant-headed giant turd.

I’m going to go pass out now. jggjkljadlkdj

It’s A-Okay!

I learn so much as a human being who has eyes and ears and occasional numbness in my pinky toe. But I had no idea how much I repressed what I said until I saw this on Facebook:

I wept silently into my Old Glory hotpants for about an hour. But after my crying jag, I felt liberated. Clearly Christmas is under attack. Why else would Christmas decorations go up Oct. 25 when they should be up after July 4th? The intention is to rip this holy commercial holiday right out of baby Jesus’ tiny baby hands and beat the crap out of it with baseball bats emblazoned with the slogan: “Happy Holidays from Al Qaeda!”

But guys.. did you know it’s okay to say “Merry Christmas” and “God Bless America” without being struck down by the iron fist of straw men?  I feel like a giant weight made out of air has been lifted off my shoulders.

However this got me thinking: what else is it “okay to say” that for some reason or other I wasn’t saying because it was not beautifully set against a backdrop of a waving flag?

Get ready for some freedomy freedom being freedomed your way:

And lastly my favorite: