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Some parents are concerned that the acquisition of the beloved children’s television show Sesame Street by HBO, the purveyor of breasts, will continue America’s decline into a giant shithole. Justin knows what I’m saying:

justinNot so, says Jeffrey D. Dunn, chief executive of Sesame Workshop. Things will invariably stay the same with some tweaks to keep Sesame Street up-to-date with the digital natives we ween from breastfeeding apps.

“It will still be Sesame Street with Big Bird, Elmo and that shitbag who lives in a garbage can,” Dunn said. He did note there were would be some content changes to “spice things up in the way HBO viewers are used to, and to make young children enslaved to HBO for life.”

“What I’m basically saying is tits. Lots of tits.”

For examples, writers will focus more on the relationship between Big Bird and Snuffy. They will be recast as 20-something friends trying to find their way in the big city in the style of Girls but with a giant imaginary monster and a talking bird.

snuffygirls

snuffygirls2Dunn said more emphasis will be placed on The Count in the sense that he will be given a love interest.

“I mean The Count is kind of a drag,” Dunn said. “Yes he can count. Like bats and whoopie pies, but what if he was involved in an obsessive and dangerous relationship with a southern waitress? Then you’d definitely see your child counting past 20.”

counttrueblood

Kid will also be challenged more. Instead of trying to guess what object does not belong in a group, children will be asked to test their talents in solving a mystery.

“We’re talking about taking one of those nondescript muppets like Maggle or Furry and getting real deep into the complexities of the human soul,” Dunn said.

Dunn said it would designed as an anthology. Each season would star different monsters in the detective role. The detectives would all have alcoholism, daddy issues, obsessive needs to pontificate on nonsense that make viewers feel the monsters are deep, and storylines that you believe are good, but in the end suck balls. And there will be many topless muppets used as props because…um…tits?

“But it will be completely for kids because it will take place on different playgrounds across the country,” Dunn said.

truedetectiveAnd, or course, the Sesame Street cast will pay homage to Game of Thrones.

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23 comments

  1. Sesame Street on HBO . . . I don’t . . . I can’t even . . . wow. The one upside to this is the possibility of a character finally telling Elmo to shut the fuck up. Or popping a cap in him. Not that I’ve ever thought of this before.

    Also puppet boobs. Once Game of Thrones gets a hold of this idea, they won’t even have to pay real women. They can just randomly show puppet boobs. Maybe not the furry ones – what am I saying, of course the furry ones.

  2. Just heard that they are firing the original cast that has been there for 45 years since the show began. I mean, they are still alive and they chose to be there. Gordon, Luis, Bob – that’s like kicking Mr. Rogers to the curb. Clearly they were looking for the youth vote. Kids may have accepted the familiar actors so far, but it’s 2016 now and they expect tits, and who wants old tits?

    The muppets are already naked, so there’s one step toward Game of Thrones right there. Then we have Grover and his sister get down. And Bert chop off Ernie’s head. Come on, people, we need to make this show really kick!

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