Fifty Shades of Trailer Trash

Hold onto your butt plugs, everybody!!

Or insert them. Should we insert them? I think so. I think that’s appropriate.

Tomorrow is the day we get to see the downfall of inspiration and creativity  Fifty Shades of Grey movie trailer!!

This is apparently a big deal, so much so that Beyonce released a trailer for the trailer a few days ago.

My husband showed it to me yesterday because he clearly hates me.

I think I might be suffering from PTSD from my time reading and recrapping the trilogy. That could explain why I tried to remove my eyeballs with a melon baller upon viewing the teaser trailer and I don’t even own a melon baller. I was really using a shoehorn.

The teaser trailer is. . . what is the word I’m looking for. . . oh yes, a giant stinking turdpile (I realize that is more than one word).

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. It’s clear the movie will be as if Show Girls and Battlefield Earth mated and had a love child that was raised by one of those stupid water-fearing aliens from Signs and then went on to be a pink lady in Grease 2. What I’m attempting to say is that this movie will suck with the force of a 1,000 master series intake anal suction cups.

Don’t just take my word for it. I showed the teaser trailer to my two leads.


The trailer is premiering on the Today show and the anchors will be dressing up as characters. Matt Lauer will portray a butt plug, which means he will basically be himself. They then will continue on with the other real news of the day, mainly on expose on which Buzzfeed quiz are you most like.


Hugo insisted we make our own trailer after I jokingly said I could make a better one if I inserted an iTouch up my bunghole.

Those things are painful.



      1. It is my pleasure to displease some people – even if they are purely fictional. But then he would be displeased with my looks, too – I would be a major inconvenience in his prolongued backside.

  1. Oh Speaker 7, how I’ve missed reading you! :) You always know how to make me laugh out loud! Who’s grand idea was it to make a movie out of the WORST BOOK SERIES OF ALL TIME? Oh yeah, that’s right, THE MAN. The Man knows he can make a shit-ton of money off the fucktards who actually liked the book. *shudder* I can’t believe such people exist. More importantly, I can’t believe I KNOW some of these people. *yack*

    1. I think what will be the most amazing is when they start to split the book into multiple movies so the first movie, they’ll boink and act stupid and then the second movie, they’ll boink and act stupid and the third movie, they’ll boink and act stupid, etc., until my early death.

    1. Christian Grey would not like that Ms. Maineiac. . . I’m sorry, I have no idea what’s wrong with me. I think I reallly suffered permanent brain damage.

    1. Seriously. I feel like the teaser trailer was also made with an iTouch and a director who had the same I’ll-just-throw-duct-tape-down-the-stairs attitude.

  2. Having not read any of the books, I will gladly skip this film. Since this is a trilogy, does that mean there will be three films? If so, your audience demands that you produce two more trailers!

  3. Just watched the actual official trailer and those kids look too young to be having sex (get off my lawn!). Also, I didn’t see any Hamburger Helper in the room of painful pleasures.

  4. You read ALL THREE? I get the fascination … I was gripped (I won’t say where) by the first one, and read the entire thing in one go in the Barnes & Noble coffee shop. (No, I didn’t pay for it. No, I didn’t plan to steal a read. But I spent more on coffee and cheesecake than I’d have paid for the book anyway. And some authors should not be rewarded. But I digress…)

    Why would you go back for more punishment? Unless that’s your Thing, of course – I don’t judge! But … seriously? Did you forget your safe word?

  5. I KNOW that your trailer is 10 times better than the movie will be, because, well, yeah- obviously.

    By the way, have you considered refinishing your basement into a true rumpus room with paneling and smoked mirror tiles above the wet bar? Would totally increase the value of the house.

      1. From the looks of the trailer, sadly no. Ana has a vacant expression like a brain dead Bambi trapped in a mousy human body and Christian looks like a block of wood. Damn it, they’ve nailed it!

  6. Ohhh God I love you. Not only is that trailer a magnificent feat of cinematography, but it made me actually choke on my Riveta. I mean, actually choke as in thought-I-might-puke choke. My colleague had to rescue me, which unfortunately alerted him to the fact that I was on WordPress and not actually doing my work.
    You are just so ruddy funny it makes my skin hurt.

  7. Hugo seems like someone who would have his own Red Room, but instead of sex toys, he’d have things only nightmare are made of. Also, I think your bunghole is a far better director than James Franco will ever be.

  8. So let me see if I have this correct. I(1) They expect us to pay to watch this Razzie worthy film? (2) They pay US to watch the film. Or we can try option three. (3) “Hell no, we won’t see your crap. Instead we say, “Give us the jewel of a film above, in full, and make it the directors cut!”

    1. Awww!! It’s so nice to be needed. I’m still here, but I’m in recovery from reading the Fifty Shades–massive brain hemorrhaging or as the doctor put “I don’t think there’s any brain left.”

  9. I thought for certain that you’d surface for The Film. Milton and I saw it, appropriately on opening day, Friday the 13th. He was disappointed. We were anticipating something far trashier. Some of the laughs even seemed intentional. The closest I came to reading the books was reading your blog.

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