Hold onto your butt plugs, everybody!!
Or insert them. Should we insert them? I think so. I think that’s appropriate.
Tomorrow is the day we get to see the downfall of inspiration and creativity Fifty Shades of Grey movie trailer!!
This is apparently a big deal, so much so that Beyonce released a trailer for the trailer a few days ago.
My husband showed it to me yesterday because he clearly hates me.
I think I might be suffering from PTSD from my time reading and recrapping the trilogy. That could explain why I tried to remove my eyeballs with a melon baller upon viewing the teaser trailer and I don’t even own a melon baller. I was really using a shoehorn.
The teaser trailer is. . . what is the word I’m looking for. . . oh yes, a giant stinking turdpile (I realize that is more than one word).
I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. It’s clear the movie will be as if Show Girls and Battlefield Earth mated and had a love child that was raised by one of those stupid water-fearing aliens from Signs and then went on to be a pink lady in Grease 2. What I’m attempting to say is that this movie will suck with the force of a 1,000 master series intake anal suction cups.
Don’t just take my word for it. I showed the teaser trailer to my two leads.
Maybe.
The trailer is premiering on the Today show and the anchors will be dressing up as characters. Matt Lauer will portray a butt plug, which means he will basically be himself. They then will continue on with the other real news of the day, mainly on expose on which Buzzfeed quiz are you most like.
News.
Hugo insisted we make our own trailer after I jokingly said I could make a better one if I inserted an iTouch up my bunghole.
Those things are painful.
Speaker7 
Did not read the book(s) – not interested in the movies … You know, the easy way to avoid this pain.
Christian Grey would be displeased.
But that’s okay because he’s a giant butt plug.
It is my pleasure to displease some people – even if they are purely fictional. But then he would be displeased with my looks, too – I would be a major inconvenience in his prolongued backside.
Oh Speaker 7, how I’ve missed reading you! 🙂 You always know how to make me laugh out loud! Who’s grand idea was it to make a movie out of the WORST BOOK SERIES OF ALL TIME? Oh yeah, that’s right, THE MAN. The Man knows he can make a shit-ton of money off the fucktards who actually liked the book. *shudder* I can’t believe such people exist. More importantly, I can’t believe I KNOW some of these people. *yack*
I think what will be the most amazing is when they start to split the book into multiple movies so the first movie, they’ll boink and act stupid and then the second movie, they’ll boink and act stupid and the third movie, they’ll boink and act stupid, etc., until my early death.
Makes me glad I put the books back on the shelf!
You should also duct tape and handcuff them so they have no chance of escape.
I love the music and sound effects on the video. It’s quite special.
Thank you. I’m not much of a filmmaker, but I figured the people behind this movie aren’t either.
Perhaps the sequel will contain barf bags, too.
That will be a necessity.
yeah…I don’t get the attraction..I really don’t
That’s because it’s all…you know…like Christian and Ana or soooo….um…I’ve got nothing.
Can you imagine how bad the movie will be if all the best parts are in the trailer?
You’ve just raised this to whole other level of horror. It is a horror movie, right?
Well, it has a young and pretty female protagonist and plenty of torture, so I assume it is.
So sorry, but after reading this post and watching that stellar video, you made me laugh so hard I could not hold onto my butt plug.
Christian Grey would not like that Ms. Maineiac. . . I’m sorry, I have no idea what’s wrong with me. I think I reallly suffered permanent brain damage.
I am sad. So sad. I do not want such a movie to exist. Please make it go away… Lock it in the Red Room of Really Bad Acting.
Maybe it will be one of those really bad movies that are actually good?
I do not see how that is possible. It does not star Will Ferrell OR Peewee Herman.
Your teaser was so brilliant. I imagine the production value is better than the real thing.
Seriously. I feel like the teaser trailer was also made with an iTouch and a director who had the same I’ll-just-throw-duct-tape-down-the-stairs attitude.
Having not read any of the books, I will gladly skip this film. Since this is a trilogy, does that mean there will be three films? If so, your audience demands that you produce two more trailers!
They’re going to milk this for everything so I imagine there will be 45 films.
Are we back to this again? Bring it on. 😀 Fifty shades is my favorite among your topics 😀
I’m glad you enjoy my misery.
I’m really sorry but its very entertaining 😀 Great posts by the way, I am a fan 😀
omg you know we will both have to watch this steaming pile of crap. If only we could go together for moral support. I prefer the Hugo version w/ sound effects.
I’m thinking of just letting Hugo and Goofy see it and report back to me. I don’t know if I can actually do it.
I think there’s a spot at Sundance for your film.
I really think I have a shot at winning a best sound effects award.
Just watched the actual official trailer and those kids look too young to be having sex (get off my lawn!). Also, I didn’t see any Hamburger Helper in the room of painful pleasures.
I truly hope they are true to the book and include not only Hamburger Helper, but the Pillsbury Dough Boy.
You read ALL THREE? I get the fascination … I was gripped (I won’t say where) by the first one, and read the entire thing in one go in the Barnes & Noble coffee shop. (No, I didn’t pay for it. No, I didn’t plan to steal a read. But I spent more on coffee and cheesecake than I’d have paid for the book anyway. And some authors should not be rewarded. But I digress…)
Why would you go back for more punishment? Unless that’s your Thing, of course – I don’t judge! But … seriously? Did you forget your safe word?
I think it’s pretty clear that I hate myself.
I KNOW that your trailer is 10 times better than the movie will be, because, well, yeah- obviously.
By the way, have you considered refinishing your basement into a true rumpus room with paneling and smoked mirror tiles above the wet bar? Would totally increase the value of the house.
I was thinking of a red room of pain and then I hit myself in the face with a baseball bat.
Great to see Hugo again! I shall never see this “movie”.
You have chosen wisely.
Not sure if you’ve seen this – so many people backed out of this film. It restores my faith in humanity just a teensy bit. http://www.cracked.com/quick-fixes/4-ways-50-shades-grey-film-worse-than-you-expect/
There is no way this film will not be a disaster unless the writer completely changed everything about the book.
From the looks of the trailer, sadly no. Ana has a vacant expression like a brain dead Bambi trapped in a mousy human body and Christian looks like a block of wood. Damn it, they’ve nailed it!
Ohhh God I love you. Not only is that trailer a magnificent feat of cinematography, but it made me actually choke on my Riveta. I mean, actually choke as in thought-I-might-puke choke. My colleague had to rescue me, which unfortunately alerted him to the fact that I was on WordPress and not actually doing my work.
You are just so ruddy funny it makes my skin hurt.
Initially I thought a “Riveta” was a type of butt plug.
Hugo seems like someone who would have his own Red Room, but instead of sex toys, he’d have things only nightmare are made of. Also, I think your bunghole is a far better director than James Franco will ever be.
Interestingly enough, my bunghole is also a Phd candidate at Yale.
So let me see if I have this correct. I(1) They expect us to pay to watch this Razzie worthy film? (2) They pay US to watch the film. Or we can try option three. (3) “Hell no, we won’t see your crap. Instead we say, “Give us the jewel of a film above, in full, and make it the directors cut!”
Where are you? WHERE ARE YOU? The movie is out, but NO SPEAKER7! WE NEEEEEED YOU!
Awww!! It’s so nice to be needed. I’m still here, but I’m in recovery from reading the Fifty Shades–massive brain hemorrhaging or as the doctor put “I don’t think there’s any brain left.”
HAHAHA! Seriously, though, I miss you and hope all is well.
I thought for certain that you’d surface for The Film. Milton and I saw it, appropriately on opening day, Friday the 13th. He was disappointed. We were anticipating something far trashier. Some of the laughs even seemed intentional. The closest I came to reading the books was reading your blog.
Out of a sense of fairness, and to prove to the Literary Gods that I am not jealous, not one whit, about the zillions of dollars this woman has made from her book, I went to Amazon and sent the sample to my Kindle. (My Kindle does not use butt plugs, unless it’s being charged.)
I read the entire first page. (That’s a lie; I may have stopped halfway through the first page. I read until the book started telling me how to get to Seattle, and the roommate did or didn’t do something.,,)
I decided if I wanted to read inanity I would go to Mapquest and figure out how to get to Seattle myself. In Grey Speak, this is deemed Masochistic Googling, an activity that doesn’t require spanking.
Out of a sense of fairness, and to prove to the Literary Gods that I am not jealous, not one whit, about the zillions of dollars this woman has made from her book, I went to Amazon and sent the sample to my Kindle. (My Kindle does not use butt plugs, unless it’s being charged.)
I read the entire first page. (That’s a lie; I may have stopped halfway through the first page. I read until the book started telling me how to get to Seattle, and the roommate did or didn’t do something.,,)
I decided if I wanted to read inanity I would go to Mapquest and figure out how to get to Seattle myself. In Grey Speak, this is deemed Masochistic Googling, an activity that doesn’t require spanking.